Friday, November 17, 2006

SPECIAL FEATURE: Ask Monkeymother

Regular readers will be aware that I have a mother, who is called Monkeymother. Last week, she kindly agreed to be Guest Agonymonkey. As a result, thousands of questions have been pouring in to Monkey Towers. I've had QUITE a job sifting through them all, let me tell you.

Anyway here, finally, are the answers. (To some of them. Not all of them. That would be Foolish.) Oh, and if something's troubling you, Ask Monkeymother. She'll know the answer. (Send your question in by email. Address there on the right. Yes, that one. Well spotted.)

Right then.


Dear MM,

Where oh where was Toshack?


Dear Robin,

I understand your question but, as a lifelong (from the age of about 4) Gunners fan, I'm afraid I can't really sympathise.

Best wishes,



Dear MM

What is proportional representation?


Dear Martina

As I'm sure you know, proportional representation is a type of electoral process that exists in several versions and is too complicated to explain here. It is more democratic, from the electors' point of view, but hellishly difficult to rule a country when no clear majority party emerges. It has nothing to do with the relative sizes of your body parts.

Best wishes



Dear MM,

I'm 32, going through a midlife crisis (or possibly just a Sunday night downer), and my blog is shit.

How do I tell my boss I want to quit to become a poet?


Absolutely anonymous

Dear Absolutely anonymous

Sadly, you can't do anything about your age - I certainly would if I could - but Sunday nights are grim for us all. I suggest you pack your satchel and get your clothes ready for school, make yourself a cup of hot chocolate with a very large slug of your favourite booze (probably not an alcopop) and have a Nice Early Night.

As for your blog - are you sure it's shit? If so, stop. But ask yourself: have you enjoyed writing it? have you had appreciative comments? If so, keep going.

As for the poet in you. Have you ever been published? Can you write things that rhyme, or scan or do at least one of the things poems do to look right? If so, I suggest you sit through all of Monday and Tuesday morning. If you still want to quit after a good lunch on Tuesday, you have two courses of action: 1. Do something so outrageous he'll have to fire you or 2. Write a poem handing in your notice.

Hope this helps

Best wishes



Dear Monkeymother

I have long been an admirer of your work. You seem to have your wits about you, that's for sure!!! Do you drink a lot of tea?

Here's a question for you. Maybe you will know the answer.

My dream is to join the circus. My good ladywife doesn't think it's a very good idea. At the moment I am the Chief Accountant at a thriving local business (that makes pie) just outside Potter's Bar. In addition to this, following a nasty ankle injury thanks to a pothole on the High Street last Easter, I am a bit stiff. But a Life Coach I met at the Rotary Christmas Drinks told me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it, and that I should pursue my dreams before it's too late.

Do you think she was right?

I am 48. My wife collects commemorative plates. The mortgage is paid off and the kids have left home.

In anticipation of your swift response,


Dear Trevor

Thank you for your kind remarks.

Do not join the circus - they'll have you shovelling elephant poo at your age. Try AmDram - a bit less demanding but at least you won't have to sleep in a caravan with a chemical lavatory.

Best wishes


Hi there MM!!!!!! :-)

I am 23 and work as a PR in the catering trade. There's a boy in my department who I really like. Last Monday he gave me a biscuit from his packet, and at the Christmas party last year he asked me to dance once, but didn't touch me. I have caught him looking at me on two training courses and on the First Aid one, his mouth got close to mine when we were doing mouth-to-mouth resuccitashun. My friends say he is interested, but I'm not sure. We've worked together for two years and he hasn't asked me out yet. He likes Shirley Bassey and Greek Sculpture.

Do you think he's interested and shy? And if so, should I make the first move?

Thanks MM!!!!!

Jacquie, Milton Keynes

Dear Jackie

What a nice boy he seems to be. I think you should try and make friends - offer him a finger of KitKat as your first move. I think you'll find he'll be a lovely friend and his advice on your wardrobe and interior decorating will be exemplary, but I don't feel that romance is on the cards.

Best wishes



Buttons said...

i like this last one best!

Timbo said...

So we should send things to the email address THAT DOESN'T WORK? Hmm.

Norton said...

I wish I had a Monkey Mother.

lucretia pepper said...

MM, I hope this will be a regular feature. I feel a problem coming on.

Camera Obscura said...

Can I trade my mum in for MM?

(Now, why is my code word xsily? I am not. Not, not, not.)

robin said...

Rather rudely I didn't thank MonkeyMother at the time, having taken up quite enough space over the evening. And wine. So I'm supplying that lack. Thank you, MM.

And I've found him now - someone had put a pile of washing on him.


Tim. It filters YOU out. THINK ABOUT IT.

Lucy - build it and she will come.

She is MY Monkeymother. But (and she doesn't know this yet), I am willing to set her up in a tent on Barnes Common and charge a £10 entrance fee for you to meet her briefly, and perhaps touch her skirt. Any takers?

PS. WV is 'legz', which is appropriate as MM has Very Good Ankles (that I have not inherited, although I have got her Eyes. Hoorah!)

Anonymous said...

You have far too many posts, yet you deserve a job in writing things. And I will quit my job and become a poet. OH MY GOD I'VE OUTED MYSELF!!! Ah, who cares...

monkeymother said...

Dear Mr fwengebola - so you are Mr Absolutely Anonymous? I hope my advice was helpful, but please do not make any hasty decisions, as poems don't pay gas bills.

monkeymother said...

Dear Mr fwengebola, I've just read some of your blog and found it funny and interesting and well written, so no problems there then.

I think you're worrying too much about your personal appearance - you sound fine to me (and that picture is adorable), but if the sweating really worries you, try Botox - I understand it works a treat.

Anonymous said...

I fear it's not possible to have your entire body botoxed.

monkeymother said...

That's not what they say in Hollywood.


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