Regular readers will be aware that I have a mother, who is called Monkeymother. Last week, she kindly agreed to be Guest Agonymonkey. As a result, thousands of questions have been pouring in to Monkey Towers. I've had QUITE a job sifting through them all, let me tell you.
Anyway here, finally, are the answers. (To some of them. Not all of them. That would be Foolish.) Oh, and if something's troubling you, Ask Monkeymother. She'll know the answer. (Send your question in by email. Address there on the right. Yes, that one. Well spotted.)
AT LEAST THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER
Where oh where was Toshack?
I understand your question but, as a lifelong (from the age of about 4) Gunners fan, I'm afraid I can't really sympathise.
A POLITICAL CONUNDRUM
What is proportional representation?
As I'm sure you know, proportional representation is a type of electoral process that exists in several versions and is too complicated to explain here. It is more democratic, from the electors' point of view, but hellishly difficult to rule a country when no clear majority party emerges. It has nothing to do with the relative sizes of your body parts.
I'm 32, going through a midlife crisis (or possibly just a Sunday night downer), and my blog is shit.
How do I tell my boss I want to quit to become a poet?
Dear Absolutely anonymous
Sadly, you can't do anything about your age - I certainly would if I could - but Sunday nights are grim for us all. I suggest you pack your satchel and get your clothes ready for school, make yourself a cup of hot chocolate with a very large slug of your favourite booze (probably not an alcopop) and have a Nice Early Night.
As for your blog - are you sure it's shit? If so, stop. But ask yourself: have you enjoyed writing it? have you had appreciative comments? If so, keep going.
As for the poet in you. Have you ever been published? Can you write things that rhyme, or scan or do at least one of the things poems do to look right? If so, I suggest you sit through all of Monday and Tuesday morning. If you still want to quit after a good lunch on Tuesday, you have two courses of action: 1. Do something so outrageous he'll have to fire you or 2. Write a poem handing in your notice.
Hope this helps
TREVOR DREAMS OF JOINING THE CIRCUS
I have long been an admirer of your work. You seem to have your wits about you, that's for sure!!! Do you drink a lot of tea?
Here's a question for you. Maybe you will know the answer.
My dream is to join the circus. My good ladywife doesn't think it's a very good idea. At the moment I am the Chief Accountant at a thriving local business (that makes pie) just outside Potter's Bar. In addition to this, following a nasty ankle injury thanks to a pothole on the High Street last Easter, I am a bit stiff. But a Life Coach I met at the Rotary Christmas Drinks told me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it, and that I should pursue my dreams before it's too late.
Do you think she was right?
I am 48. My wife collects commemorative plates. The mortgage is paid off and the kids have left home.
In anticipation of your swift response,
Thank you for your kind remarks.
Do not join the circus - they'll have you shovelling elephant poo at your age. Try AmDram - a bit less demanding but at least you won't have to sleep in a caravan with a chemical lavatory.
A PUBLIC RELATIONS QUANDARY
Hi there MM!!!!!! :-)
I am 23 and work as a PR in the catering trade. There's a boy in my department who I really like. Last Monday he gave me a biscuit from his packet, and at the Christmas party last year he asked me to dance once, but didn't touch me. I have caught him looking at me on two training courses and on the First Aid one, his mouth got close to mine when we were doing mouth-to-mouth resuccitashun. My friends say he is interested, but I'm not sure. We've worked together for two years and he hasn't asked me out yet. He likes Shirley Bassey and Greek Sculpture.
Do you think he's interested and shy? And if so, should I make the first move?
Jacquie, Milton Keynes
What a nice boy he seems to be. I think you should try and make friends - offer him a finger of KitKat as your first move. I think you'll find he'll be a lovely friend and his advice on your wardrobe and interior decorating will be exemplary, but I don't feel that romance is on the cards.