As I am going to the Colonies in a couple of weeks, I have taken it upon myself to Sort Things Out before I go. "Easy!", I hear you cry. But is it? For I must:
1. replace the tooth I swallowed
2. encourage Royal Scottish Assurance to give me my money back
3. encourage Norwich Union to give me my money back
4. secure Employment for my Return and indeed...
5. ...begin and Complete a Work Project in the next fortnight
6. get my hair cut, as I look like I have a dead animal on my head
7. go back to the dentist again
8. have my pelvis re-aligned
9. semi-organise and attend a hen weekend
10. remind Visa (who are all Idiots), that I have not 'cancelled' my account, and would like a new Visa card in order to Travel without carrying around Travellers' Cheques like a geriatric in shorts from Florida
11. pay off my car, assuming Royal Scottish Assurance and Norwich Union give me my fucking money back.
Now, these things fit neatly into a list, and can be ticked off one by one. Or so one would think.
Money first. I phone the Royal Bank of Scotland Mortgage Centre. I press a thousand buttons, and have an unintelligible conversation with an idiot, who tells me to call someone else. I call them.
"Hello Jackie, NatWest Offset Team!"
"Ah. My mortgage is with the Royal Bank of Scotland. Am I in the right place?"
"Oh yes. Can I have your details?"
I am told I do not exist. Time passes. A distant gunshot is heard. I snap a pencil with one finger, and start a long staring competition with the cat.
"Is your account by any chance with the Royal Bank of Scotland?"
"YES."
"Oh. You're in the wrong place."
"For CHRIST'S SAKE."
"I'll put you through."
If it takes half an hour to get someone to undertake what is a very straightforward task (give me my money back as soon as they can, without talking rubbish and being Stupid), God alone knows what'll happen at the hairdresser. And in view of the fact that I am already grinding my teeth like a cocaine enthusiast, I'm not fancying the dentist much either.
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3 comments:
You should switch your mortgage to The Bank Of Mutant Freaks And Unusual Torture; free pelvis realignment to all new customers.
It's a terrible thing, wasting half an hour of your life talking to some moron on the other end of a call centre line. And it sounds as if it's pretty bad for the customer too ;-)
Do the dental work in the colonies. They will do a better job and you'll be able to pay in pounds.
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