I've just called a tin of tomatoes a cunt, and it set me to thinking. "What do you want for your birthday?", my chums say. "You at my house on Saturday", I reply, being fully aware of what I really need.A new can opener
Mine is shit, but it works. In the shop I see them, and think about getting another one. Then I think: no, the one you have works, don't get it. Then I get fucked off when I use the one I have. It is an eternal circle of pain.
Things I mentioned once that someone remembers and then finds on eBay
e.g. Ant and Bee books, china with the Eric Gill alphabet on it, ashtrays that look like the heads of animals I know. Things like that. Brilliant.
Anything home made
Drawings, jam, drink in bottles, compilation CDs, home-made books. Anything people have made with their own hands. A notable example would be the Barbara Woodhouse pet-training book in which the word 'dog' had been replaced by the word 'wife' throughout, or the picture of Adam and Mary eating pies ("Got any pyes, chief?"), or the drawing of the monkey with its cock out.
Flowers
Can't help it. I like flowers, in bunches, delivered to the door by people in vans with messages dictated down the phone and laboriously written by someone who is barely literate (and would put a smiley face over the 'i' given half a chance). I only ever get them when I'm leaving a job. I used to get them a lot when I was twenty years younger and pretty like a rose. I like to think that if I ever get them again I will skip, blush and think of lipstick. And feel speshul.
Books
Easy, but also very difficult. Best one recently was a book about Shackleton with penguins in it.
Lady stuff
It's true. If you are unemployed you can't be buying that stuff. Candles. You know. But not ones from the Body Shop and that.
Socks
Millions of them, stacked up to the Moon, in matching pairs.
People turning up out of the blue
A Dear And Now Emigrated Friend once travelled to my birthday weekend in the middle of a field in Norfolk by public transport (to a house we couldn't find in a car with the help of an Ordnance Survey map, a magnifying glass and a torch), and appeared as if by Magic, covered in dust and rain, just in time for dinner.
Oh, and cake. I like cake.
18 comments:
Dude, I would send you a can opener in a heartbeat, since having a crappy can opener is like Chinese water torture, only with cans, and no water. So, not very like after all, but I think you get the idea.
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I have the best can opener in the world. It leaves no sharp edges. People always try to steal it from me. I would love to have you over for cake on your birthday, but due to the fact that you need a can opener and I have an amazing one, I cannot extend the invitation.
Sorry.
a.roberson, are you mad or just a cunt? Tip: don't use capital letters. It makes you look retarded.
Mist1 - you break my heart. Spoil my birthday a week early, why dontcha.
You're obviously shopping in the the wrong emporia. Better class retail outlets now sell all food (including that aimed at our canine and feline friends) in cans with those ring-pull things. Or have you been shopping on Mars again?
Not in Lidl they don't. And bastard retard cat gets dry food, otherwise he doesn't eat. Which would be no bad thing, come to think of it, bearing in mind the size of his gut.
Yo, Clare. Thanks for the book and the inscription. That was nice. I am too scared to read it yet though. (In a good way.)
Re. the address. People I actually know, I was thinking, although frankly I feel like I know all the people who ... no, that would be sentimental, and I'm nearly 40, so it wouldn't do. Well, 40 in 3 years and eight days. Weird.
Non-workingmonkey, you amaze me. Except for the monkey drawing above (though I can understand how you might like it, being a monkey and all) you and I have exactly the same taste!
Happy birthday for next week.
Time for a link to your Amazon wish list methinks.
Maybe, just maybe your admirers (both secret and public)would be tempted to send you stuff and not just because its your birthday.
Not sure if Amazon does socks or Jo Malone Nutmeg and Ginger Candles though.
Looks like Amazon have discontinued the sock range.
They do have an Arne Svenson fine art print of...wait for it... Sock Monkeys!
P.S. To Monkeymother
Don't you find those ring pull things play havoc with your nails?
Dear Philip, thank you for caring about my nails, which are pretty dire at the moment, as have been planting things and remove gloves in frustration after five minutes.
You will find that the glorious Lakeland sell a gadget with which to pull back that ring - very good whether you are an aged crone with arthritis or not. They also sell magnificent "Toaster Tongs" for about threepence. You will never again have to risk death by sticking a knife in the toaster to get out that tricky teacake.
Best wishes
MM
Shackleton and penguins would be a Very Good Book Indeed.
Perhaps there is a sequel out where he meets some pandas?
Happy Birthday.
Tracy - man, you are too kind.
Phileep - do we know each other? otherwise, how would you know about Nutmeg and Ginger? (Cross it with 154, that's my tip. Cor.) Could not possibly do Wish List, would be Terrible and Acquisitive and anyway surprises are best. I will however accept cheques and postal orders.
Maman - tes petits doigts! Fais attention s'il te plait. And also don't take credit for Toaster Tong Discovery, you know it was me in Tunbridge Wells in 2001. (PS mine are broken. Hint hint. Oh no. I've already had my present. Which is better than tongs, admittedly.)
Ms Baroque - break my heart, why don't you. I've already SAID I need style advice, so let's start here: fez or no fez? I'm thinking racoon hat.
I read your blog - I pay attention - I remember random stuff.
Happy Birthday cookie!
I wrote more but f*&^ing Blogger ate it.
Hope you get lots of stuff that you like, and if not they at least
give you the receipts.
I like the Lush shop, I thought it was a cocktail for at least three weeks.
P - I salute you. I can't remember writing that. That's sad.
A - bless yer heart. Is truly not about Presents, is about Peeps and not having a nervous breakdown at the thought of being 37 and being single, unemployed living with a cat I hate. Strangely, I feel no self-pity. Even more strangely, I am Definitely Not In Denial (which is a river in Egypt, not my state of mind).
Now, I like the raccoon hat idea. I also like the fez. Did you ever consider getting one of those ones where readers can drag and drop the hat of their choice...?
(Sorry - I can see that WILL break your heart. How is your illustrator's coding?)
Anyway, when I said drawing, I didn't mean the one you HAVE - I meant the yuck rude one you DESCRIBED. The one you HAVE is very cute.
Phew.
And my coding is v. poor.
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