I didn't stay in bed in the end. I drew my fringe back on with a pencil and went to the gymnasium instead. I walked up stairs and down roads that weren't going anywhere. Then I cycled and rowed nowhere for a bit, and picked up weights and moved them around a bit. I counteracted my exertion by sitting gormlessly in the steam room marvelling at the amount of sweat I produce (and I'm not talking about the sweat that spurts from every part of me in the steam room itself). I am constantly astonished by how much I sweat. According to Anuja-The-Less-Irritating-Since-I-Am-Thinner personal trainer, sweating is no sign of your fitness level; nor is going red in the face. Which is just as well, otherwise I would be technically dead.
Anyway, after two hours spent in Holmes Place Streatham (I found an enormous scab under the rowing machine last week, and someone's snot wiped on the treadmill; otherwise, it's great), I went to Croydon to meet a dear friend for luncheon (of which more later; I simply don't know where to start).
I haven't seen a lollipop lady since I was a tiny tiny child. In fact, as (according to my mother), I have False Memory Syndrome, I wasn't entirely sure they existed at all. But they do, and they are all in West Norwood.
I saw one, and thought, oh look, a Lollipop Lady. She looks nice.
Then I saw this one. (From the front she looks like a marmoset.)That's a bit rum, I thought, but no matter; it is merely a Coincidence.
Then - seconds later - I saw a third, but this time it was a gentleman lollipop lady (I assume they should now be called Lollipop Persons. You can see his lollipop there on the left. I was moving at the time.)I am very, very confused. Do Croydon Council spend all their council tax on Lollipop People? Do the Lollipop People live together in a house, and spend their evenings polishing their lollipops whilst watching public information films? Is there a Lollipop Person Training Course, run every other weekend in West Norwood Town Hall? Do they do practice runs on each other in the carpark?
These and other questions (e.g., why is Andrew Lloyd Weber?), will have to remain unanswered, I am afraid. But let me know if you see a Lollipop Person. I'm still not entirely sure they exist, despite the photographic evidence.
8 comments:
Christ I bet it's tough trying to get into the bathroom in that house, one of the buggers will be gaurding every doorway.
I've never had OCD, but your report on the gym has me reaching for the disposable Flash wipes. The fact that I own these could show that I'm on the cusp of developing a problem, but they just beckoned to me in Tescos the other day. If I had a menopause I'd blame in on that. (I'm quite pissed off about missing out on having one of them, as I had hoped to shop lift and then just sweat copiously and cry a lot and be admonished by a judge called Mr I
who does group sex and employs a Brazilian cleaner.
A, there is nothing wrong with Flash wipes. Have you seen those incredible dusters on sticks that suck up anything using some weird alien static cling thing? I am not joking when I say that I dust for fun now. Hang on, I'll go and find out what they're called.
Right, they're called Flash Dustmasters. It seems that Flash are producing the finest household cleaning products known to man. I shall write to them immediately.
Try shoplifting anyway. We can think of another excuse. I reckon you could pocket five quid's worth of pick 'n' mix from Woolies and a Frosted Pink No. 7 lipstick without getting done.
You think, as I slip into my baggy mac..........
Whoo Flash dusters, they sound fab. Well be the Clean Queens, running our fingers along grimy pelments and screaming "ooh errr, will you look at that!"
I'm Scottish, but I don't fancy swabbing gooey, greasy things, can I please be excused that duty Aggie?
Just lost the power to spell and punctuate. Need my tea and a glass of vino.
Hang on, you were driving around town, taking pictures of Lollypop People Couriers? Or moreover, you were driving around town when you spotted said civil servants, AND YOU HAD YOUR CAMERA TO HAND?
I'm going out to get thoroughly drunk.
In the London in the shops you can get the phones with the cameras in them too. It is a Miracle of Miracles.
That's another reason I would eschew gyms - other people's sweat and snot. I think wipes are brilliant. If all those people on cruise ships kept a wipe twixt their hand and the stair rail there would be far less D&V.
My new treasure is called Micro Fibre Super Mitt and I love it. It's fantastic with louvered doors. This is my week for cleaning and then it has to last fot two lots of family. What did one do with one's time before blogging?
Pi, you have made me giggle (no, really, giggle) in the nicest possible way. I am going to get a Micro Fibre Super Mitt without further ado, although I haven't got any louvred doors. I completely agree with 'what did one do with one's time before blogging'; I think I worked, but this is far more entertaining.
Post a Comment