One of the enormous benefits of unemployment are the free hours that can be filled watching daytime television. An average day's viewing schedule might look something like this:
"I Can't Raise £200 Out Of The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Provincial Auction House", BBC1, 10am; repeated at 3pm and 4pm
"I Can't Raise £25 Selling The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Boot Sale", BBC1, 10.30am; repeated on BBC3 and 4 throughout the week
"Move Out Of Your House For A Day And We Will Decorate It Using Shoddy Workmanship And Home Interior Design Tips Taken Out Of 'Chat' Magazine", usually hosted by Claire "I'm a tapdancer really and used to be in Brookie' Sweeney (known as SWEEN-OOH after a night at the panto in Milton Keynes), and Linda 'Colourblind Chav' Barker, BBC1, 11am
"Move To A Castle In The Country On The Profits From Your Terrace In Wandsworth", BBC2, 4.30pm
"Retire To Marbella On The Profits From Your Semi In Birmingham", Channel 4, 5pm
"Have A Boss-Eyed Colourblind American With Dubious Trousers Round To Inappropriately Redecorate Your Flat", Five, 5pm
"Buy A House You Have Never Seen At Auction, Fail To Have A Survey Done, And Fuck Your Life Up Forever, BBC1, 9.45am (Thursday)
"Drunken Pikey Shoutdown, Featuring Patronising Middle Class Kneeling Host and Free Counselling Round The Back", ITV, 2pm
"Lick This Lie Detector And Tell Me You're The Dad", ITV, 2.30pm
"I Am American And Dysfunctional In A Way You Won't Quite Get", ITV2, 4pm, repeated at 5 and 6pm.
But all this is as nothing compared to ITV's This Morning, because Fern and Phil are on it, and I love them.
Oh Fern Brittain, with your lovely cheeks and kind eyes, married to the handsome chef who loves you as you are. Oh Ferny-Fern, who guests miss when they come in on Friday and get the thin bird with the bob instead.
Fernster The Fern, who can talk about genital warts, bereavement, shepherd's pie and cheap dresses from Tesco in the space of 10 minutes and not sound like an idiot. Fern-Oh, who doesn't care that she's a porker and still wears bikinis; who can cycle across India for charity and not be a celebrity twat about it. And The Phillip Schofield.
Oh Phil, with your grey hair that you stopped dyeing one day, whereupon you became the Grey Fox of all the Grey Foxes. Phil, previous hero of childrens' TV and non-idiot. Philly Phil, with your dimples and kindness.
Together, they are Fern 'n' Phil. I love you, Fern and Phil. I really love you. You make unemployment feel good.
5 comments:
Hello Pup. Do you ENJOY them, though?
Great analuss there NWM, Julian Barnes will be shaking in his boots.
Can't say I watch Fern and Phil, nice f sounds aren't they, Phhhhern, and Fhil, but they both appear to be good eggs.
I'm missing Richard and Judi, cos I like to time Richard's questions, they usually last at least a quarter of the show. Judi getting a bit ragged looking though, but for her not having her face lifted, or exchanged. Better to be jowly that retilian I always say.
Ah I've lost the power to spell and type!!! Dyslexia rules KO.
"good for her", and "reptilian"
DO NOT WATCH daytime (or late night) TV. There is a mechanism that sucks out your brains while slumped on the sofa watching that crap. Go to the library and take out a book (yes, you do not have to buy books, you can borrow them from your friendly local council). Arthur Ransome is very soothing.
However, I have seen Phil and Fern when in bed with cold and think they are divine. Richard and Judy are the pits.
The cuckoo said the same thing. That's why he had his telly taken out and can only watch DVDs about children of the clergy.
But they are nice. I like them.
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