At what point, exactly, do you accept that you have a facial tic and undergo minor neurological surgery? I can't stop winking. Wink wink wink. Like an idiot. Winky-wink-wink-wink. Winketty-wink. The whole time, ceaselessly and without end. I make sure I only do it when I shouldn't, because I enjoy looking like a lascivious Bedlamite. Wink wink. Oh, winky wink-wink.
Times At Which It Is Acceptable To Wink
1. If you are Sid James, Leslie Phillips, Bob Monkhouse or Bruce Forsyth (Foreign Readers - no, you won't understand, but you're not missing much)
2. If you are trying to communicate without words with someone on the other side of the room (but not in a saucy way)
3. If you have something in your eye, e.g. Marmite (me, yesterday morning)
4. If you have just stuck your mascara wand in your eye
5. If someone has poked you in the eye with their finger
6. If you are drunk and showing people what you can do with your face
7. If you are in a meeting and have Done Something Manipulative and they've fallen for it.
Times At Which It Is Not Acceptable To Wink
1. When having parking ticket punched in Sainsbury's in Camden
2. Upon entering the gymnasium, every day
3. When buying petrol in Tesco Express on Brixton Road from a man with one eye
4. When looking at people you do not know in other cars
5. Upon completion of unmentionable cosmetic medical procedures
6. Upon leaving hotels
7. When buying Pork Scratchings in pubs
8. When trying to be saucy.
Wink wink. Aaargh.
7 comments:
Please PLEASE try and stop. Winkers are the curse of God's clean earth. It's probably what prompted him to try the big flood in the first place.
I do not want to think badly of you. Please stop this dreadful behaviour. CHRISTINE HAMILTON. Will that do it?
Fuck me, aversion therapy - hadn't thought of it. I salute you. (There's always one more therapy to try, or at least that's what I tell myself.)
(word verification: bnffttt - the sound of me deflating CH with a pin)
Winking after sex. There's a no-no.
And before it, come to think of it.
During's OK though, yeah?
You can ;) at me anytime, SaucyMonkey !!! LOL!!!
JB - you're fired. If ANYONE EVER DOES !!! LOL !!! ANYWHERE NEAR ME AGAIN I WILL CRY. It's not funny. Really it's not. I'm going for a little lie down.
I am worried you have seen Sid James and Bob Monkeyhouse winking - I thought they were dead. Have they gone to the Costa del Sol to escape the winking police?
Sadly you forgot the most nauseating and unforgiveable of all: she of the implausibly stretched face - Anne Robinson, the the Leakest Wink
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