To prove my point, please enjoy these photographs of a squirrel I observed out of my kitchen window mere minutes ago.
Here he is settling down on my fence to eat a delicious lunch of nuts and seeds left out for the 'lovely birds' (pigeons), by my idiotic neighbour.
And see how he enjoys tucking in! "Yum yum, lovely nuts. I must be the LUCKIEST squirrel in the world."
By this point, I am banging on the window and shaking my fist. He looks at me as if I am mentally deficient, flicks his tail and wanders off, chewing on a monkey nut.
Is it OK to shoot them, do you think? I think I can get an airgun from Toys 'R' Us, and if I get enough of the little fuckers, I'll have me a lovely coat for winter, with perhaps enough to make a hat, from which I can dangle their tails. Sensational.
7 comments:
Once you're ready to enroll in the GWOS, you'll find a ready commander here - full of useful gunnery advice and manly anecdotes, such as "In the early American frontier, your reputation was often built on how far away you could displace a squirrel's eyeball with a .32-caliber piece of lead". But what to do with all the squirelly corpses lying about your yard ? Worry not, just consult this handy site.
But whatever you do, make sure you don't have one of these lying in your bushes.
Don't forget the GGM - 'humane' traps followed by drowning - you could always use the bath if you haven't got a barrel big enough. As the pelts will be undamaged by shot, the resulting hats and coats will be much more attractive and you could buy pretty little glass squirrelly eyes from a taxidermy supplier. A little head on your shoulder would look so sweet.
You are BOTH much funnier than I am, and it's beginning to annoy me. MM, do you think I could get the pretty little glass squirrelly eyes from Peter Jones and pretend they're for my new teddy?
JB, my intellectual crush deepens. Could you ever love a woman who aspires to be a Duchess, dressed entirely in Squirrel?
How silly of me. Of course you could. I'd forgotten I sent you on that 'How to be a Duchess' course, where you learned where to shop.
I'd forget the gun idea. A large wooden mallet is much much better. It is humane and gives you plenty of exercise as you chase the little buggers around your garden. I even believe Davina McCall's bringing out an exercise DVD based around the format. :)
Of course I could, your Sciurial Highness - as long as I can do whatever I want with the family Labrador.
However you might quickly tire of a scruffy commoner from the colonies who has no idea how to properly say worcestershire.
Do you want to borrow the terriers? Perhaps they could catch him by means of a pincer movement? They would, of course, rip him limb from limb, or would they, as they came from Battersea Dogs' Home? Maybe Sarf Lunnon terriers dunno wotta do? Maybe they'd just hold him up at gunpoint and demand his mobile and his iPod?
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