BritainWatch

In the first of an occasional series, I try and tell you what's happening in Britain at the moment by sitting in Montreal and looking at 1) The British media, i.e. telly, radio, newspapers, etc*; 2)  Twitter, Facebook etc.

OK here goes. Tell me if I am wrong and/or have missed something.

The Weather

It is really bad and it keeps raining the whole time. The sky covers your poor heads like a translucent grey awning, and you wonder if S.A.D. is actually true.  Everyone is blaming the Met Office, which means that the Met Office is God - unless you are Richard Dawkins, in which case neither the Met Office nor the weather exist.

The Olympics

The whole "Jimmy Page and Boris Johnson and a London Bus" thing means that few people dare watch the opening ceremony, even if it does involve the man who directed Trainspotting turning the stadium into a version of the English countryside based on The Tempest by W. Shakespeare (inc. 70 sheep and a plough).

This is understandable, but I think it's a bit sad that everyone has forgotten to be a bit excited (in the proud style of our French and American cousins), rather than tutting the whole time. As far as I can see, the tuts are mainly about:

• The Olympic lanes on the motorways: are they or aren't they in action? Yes they are, and everyone has got a 150 pound ticket.
• The security which is a right fuck-up. It is going to be done by a) the army; b) some 18 year olds.
• The cleaners live in sheds that leak. 
• Some Americans got lost.
• The Mall is closed. I do not know this for sure but it usually is.
• This is just another sign of broken Britain. 

On the other hand, Twenty Twelve exists.  If anyone says, O what is this British humour of which you speak? I will say, you see this programme? In it, one of the most important events this year is taken the piss out of by the BBC, and the organisers of the event join in - even bloody Sebastian bloody Coe !!!  (I don't know if this is actually quite sad - i.e. that we are really good at laughing at ourselves and assume everything is going to go to shit - or just funny. Let me know what you think.)

Food

• Hugh and Nigel have got their berries out. 
• Yotam is doing something Swedish and something Palestinian at the same time, and putting at the forefront an ingredient that is usually an accent. 
• Rose Prince is making a cake or two for charity.  
• So far, we have managed to avoid Williamsburg-style 'tea ateliers', and in my lighter moments I like to think another good thing about the people of Britain is that they do not take themselves too seriously. (See above.) This kind of nonsense is therefore, I hope, unlikely.   
• Suck and Chew is still going strong and this is good news.  
• Kids that watch more TV get fatter. 
• The 9 year old was allowed to keep her blog. 

The Royal Family

• The Queen needs a rest.
• Kate is still wearing those nude courts from LK Bennett, and everyone is a bit confused by her body in a bikini (put on a magazine by some Australians), because she doesn't have any hips. I don't mean, "she doesn't have ladycurves", I mean, "she doesn't appear to actually have the joints that join her legs to the rest of her body".

Politics

I don't listen anymore so I don't know. All I know is that that appalling little shit George Osborne still has an important job, and that the PM is apparently still committed to the coalition.  Other than that it all looks like a clusterfuck from over here and I'm probably well out of it. Even this twat (i.e., the PM of Canada - who FYI had never been anywhere but Canada until he was made PM) seems preferable.  

Other than that Canada is economically pretty stable etc and other than some young people banging on casserole dishes (for good reason, as it goes), things seems quite reasonable.  That is until the whole "English vs. French Canada" thing comes up, at which point I decide finally and conclusively to run away over the sea far far away. (It's like England vs. Wales or England vs. Scotland x 1,000,000.)

The Bachelor

I don't know why they bother. Spencer is only going to go for the posh birds (i.e. 5%), and is not going to be taken in by that tight-lipped trollop who kept talking about 'horseriding'. 

50 Shades of Grey

Everyone can go on about this as much as they like but she is earning something ridiculous like $250,000 A DAY.  This is easier than working in McDonald's etc. 

And all those clever journalists can sneer all they like. I know that at night they sit in their sheds and wish that they could write something that that many people go and buy. They're cross because people buy shit.  There's nothing you can do about it. People buy shit. And anyway, who are you to say what's shit and what's not?  

In other news, apparently the Audio Book uses Thomas Tallis' Spem In Alium as atmosphere music (or something), which makes sense because 'Spem in Alium' means 'Jizz In The Onions', which not a lot of people know. 

The Archers

2 words: Kate. Archer. 

Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney turned off

They were half an hour over, and they'd stopped singing.  All this "joyless London noise police" stuff is stupid.  Everyone on Facebook was very angry about this, especially people in America. If they like Paul McCartney so much THEY ARE WELCOME TO HIM.

That is all for now. Let me know if you would like my distance-analysis on any other topics.

Pip "Dimbleby" Pip

NWM

* Thank you, myexpatnet, the TuneIn app and all the British papers apart from The Times (that I don't read anyway)

We plan ahead

My parents will be coming to Canada for Christmas, and we are talking about tourtière, which is a pie of meat. I am hoping it is an important Christmas foodstuff in French-Canada (where I live),  because I like pie and I like meat, so the combination is a surefire 'winner'.


JM is a) a French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist; b) my husband.

Me: What do people eat in Quebec on Christmas Eve?
JM: Turkey.
Me: What do people in Quebec eat on Christmas Day?
JM: Turkey.
Me: What, everyone has two turkeys?
JM: It depends on the family.
Me: OK, so what did your family have on Christmas Eve?
JM: Turkey.
Me: And Christmas Day?
JM: Turkey.

Whatevs.

News round-up

OK here's what's up in this, my third week of literal non-workingness.

Dentist
I am there every week having my English teeth attended to. "They aren't made up, you know. They're a real phenomenon", says the hygienist. "Whassat?", I say, mouth awash with blood. "BRITISH TEETH. They're really terrible. Crooked. On the other hand", she says, scraping so hard I fear my teeth will pop out of my head, "nothing is as bad as French teeth. Crooked AND dirty."

Cupboards
The story goes like this:  husband is driving to work, shoe is weird and tight, he takes his shoe off and a bloody mouse pops out.  Husband pulls over (n.b. he is on the motorway) and releases said mouse into the Canadian wilderness. Mouse lives.

These mice - whether they're re-enacting Point Break or not - have been our loving companions for some time. Sometimes we electrocute them, sometimes we get the cats round, sometimes we play Sting and/or Chris Martin. Sometimes it's winter and they do whatever mice do in the winter.

Then the spring comes and they come back and they engage in a number of activities including but not limited to:

1. Eating bags of popcorn;
2. Getting lid off peanut butter and leaving mouse footprints;
3. Doing mouse plops in my giant oats that I discover 2 seconds before putting porridge in my gaping maw;
4. Playing poker, watching TV, smoking tiny spliffs, changing the pre-sets on the radio and generally taking the fucking piss. 

All this means that the cupboards need to be cleaned, what with the mouse plops, the mouse wee, the leftover bits of chewed up popcorn and wood, the dust and whatever else lurks. I do this with The Archers, rubber gloves, old tea towels, a mini vacuum thing and a great deal of strong chemicals in a bottle. It is satisfying, and I am happy.

Swimming
After 5 years, a man comes round to mend the filter on the swimming pool and gives information that transforms the pool from 'indistinguishable from the septic tank' to 'now I know why I live in Canada!!!'.

Now I just swim up and down and up and down. It is great.  Also, the weather in Montreal is like this all the time:

I understand it is not like that in England, but do not be jealous because in 4 months the snow will come and that's us fucked until March. Like "Game of Thrones", but without a monster made of black smoke emitting from anyone's ladyparts.

That is it for the moment. There is more to this post but I realised after finishing it that it was over 100 pages long, so I will post the second bit tomorrow.  It is about what I have been reading and it basically says, "I have read a lot of books about the Mitford sisters and all their friends", so if you don't like the Mitfords, don't tune in tomorrow.   If you do like TV and film reviews, tune in on Sunday. Maybe.

Pip "Poo in my oats" Pip

NWM

Baker Cat

"Where are you?", say the emails sent by the people. "Why, at home", I say, "not working, drinking cups of warm water, eating thin omelettes and watching this":



Infinite (and better) version here.  

I'm back in the room

I am, once again, a literally non-working monkey. This time, I was subject to forces beyond my control (unless I had chosen to evolve into the sort of person that wears flesh-coloured 'pantyhose', enjoys using a Palm Pilot and can think of nothing better than being on interminable conference calls with lunatics in the Far East), but I have left my last employer with affection and good heart, and all is well.

And yet. When you lose your job, people go odd.  It is not realistic to walk around with a sandwich board saying, I AM 42 I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE NOT ONLY IS IT OK IT IS SUPER STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE EYES.  It is also not realistic to expect that others are as blasé as I am about the whole affair, but still, here are some Tips if someone you work with is let go/made redundant/fired etc. OK here goes.

Do not pretend it isn't happening

If Bob has been laid off and Bob is packing up his boxes, do not pretend you do not know who Bob is. The chances are that you have, at the very least, worked with Bob for some time and are on speaking terms.  Bob will appreciate it if you say, "I have heard what is happening and I hope you are OK with it" (or similar).  If Bob is not OK he will cry, shout, rant etc. If he does, say nothing and back away. However, the chances are that Bob will like the fact that you are at least reacting to the Truth and not hiding in the lavatory having pretend wees.

Do not speculate on the reasons why

Unless there have been cross-company layoffs, a factory closure or (in my case) the loss of a big client,  havin' a chitchat with Jackie in accounts on what terrible thing Bob may or may not have done is not helpful. You will never probably know the full reason why Bob is leaving, and unless Bob is a good pal who tells you all the dirt, you never will. For all you know, Bob is very happy about it as it will give him the chance to do something he really wants to do and/or move to the South of France and set up a nudist cycling club.   So assume the best and let Bob go with a smile and a wave. (Unless he is the office pervert.)

Do not ask the person if they have a new job yet

If they have it's OK, but if they haven't and they are worried about it, this is is not a good thing to ask. Equally if, like me, they have no intention of looking for a job for a good long while, it can put them on the spot, because that leads to the next terrible question, namely:

Do not ask the person what they are going to do

If you are not an expert in the skill of literal non-workingness, as I am, you are probably still in a bit of shock and working out how much money you have to keep going for a while.  Asking people what they are going to do puts them on the spot; they can't very well say "I am going to sit at home with my boxes, wonder what happened and then pick myself up off the floor and hope to find some sort of purpose to my life."

As we all know, I am quite the expert, so here is what I said:

"I am going to try and write the first 3 chapters and synopsis of the novel I have been talking about  for five years, and go the gym a bit."

This is true, but it will also include:

"I am going to sleep properly, spring clean my flat, think about letting it before I go to Europe for a bit, write my blog, eat properly and look for pictures of cats in hats."

It will also include:

Seeing my husband properly for the first time in a year, remembering everyone's birthdays, sending the knitted monkey that I bought five months ago to my niece, wondering if we are going to move back to England, watching "Community" and stalking Deborah, Duchess of Devonshire.

Do not have a pitying look on your face, especially if the person is older than you

If you are 27 and have never lost your job, the idea is probably terrifying. I can tell you right now that unless you have many dependents (unlikely at 27) and/or are very unwell, it is really not that bad. Something else always comes along, and every time - and this I know from experience - the period of literal non-workingness focuses the mind; the chances are that the next job you have will be far more the sort of thing you should be doing.

If you are young and the person who has lost their job is a lot older than you, be careful. 1) because they may be like me, i.e. very wise, etc, and not that worried about it; or 2) they may be really worried. In either case, being patronised by a 27 year old is not going to help.

Do not say "Are you worried?"

About what? My sanity? Money? The future? Whether or not I will have to go and see headhunters again?  Whether there really is such a thing as teacup people?  As it happens I am not one jot worried (to the point that I have decided I am either very well-adjusted or completely bonkers), but that is probably not true of most other people, so do not ask. 

This is all I can think of for the moment, but if anyone else has any tips please flood the comments box and watch as this centre of online job-loss expertise becomes richer by the minute.

Pip "Cats in hats" Pip

NWM