Yes. Welcome to Canada. In Canada, the weather is "exciting". But it is not all snow, beaver hats and riding moose through snowdrifts; no. It is more exciting than that: in Montreal, we apparently have the biggest extremes of temperature in the (habitable) world, from +30 in the summer to -30 in the winter.
To make it even more thrilling, it can change from one day to the next. For e.g., on Saturday I was sitting in the sunshine to the right of the swimming pool you see in the photograph above, reading a light novel and sucking a glass of lukewarm lemonade shandy through a bendy straw. Yesterday it was a bit different; not quite as warm, but warm enough to have all the windows open (enabling seasonally-appropriate gazing at cherry blossom, etc), and warm enough to go to the wine shop without my overcoat.
But today! Bloody hell, Canada. It has gone from 16 degrees "I reckon we can relax because it is definitely bloody spring" to 3 degrees and "shit on a stick, it is fucking winter again and the new magnolia tree is going to die". It has been snowing all day and winds of 50mph are blowing, and visitors who only packed a light windcheater and some open-toed sandals are regretting the very day they were born.
Tomorrow, it will be gone and people will be wearing t-shirts with pictures of wolves on them openly in the street and eating raspberry icepops, but for now and for today, it is winter again. I therefore intend to go to bed early with a pint of rum and cocoa and a couple of back issues of Sherry Connoisseur, and stay there until it is all over.
Pip pip!
NWM
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I release another blockbuster
Good news, adoring readers and/or fans: yes, it is another blockbuster film made by me (i.e., Non-workingmonkey). This one is about making decisions and is more interesting than it sounds, partly because it contains repeated references to biscuits, both plain and chocolate chip.
In conclusion, when I say: "I know you will like it a lot", I say so with complete conviction.
Pip pip!
NWM
In conclusion, when I say: "I know you will like it a lot", I say so with complete conviction.
Pip pip!
NWM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I offer you a final glimpse of Monkey Towers
Following the overwhelming and near-hysterical response to my last photosnaps of Monkey Towers (Montreal Division), I have decided that today would be a good time to 'finish the job' (as it were). I therefore give you two photo-montages with, as ever, an incisive and thrilling commentary from me, i.e. Non-workingmonkey. (I am thinking of losing the hyphen.)
Sitting room etc
The activities that we undertake in this part of Monkey Towers include sitting down, lying down, watching television, reading the back of cereal packets, eating toast, taking socks off, impersonating contestants in 3-year-old episodes of Come Dine With Me, etc. The sofa is from IKEA and is not bad, despite the fact it took 4 visits and 123 phone calls to get it. The lights in the dining room were there when we bought the flat; they are stupid and hover at nose height, which is not much good if you are having dinner with someone you would like to look at in the eyes, but handy if you are having Sting round for tea.
Eagle-eyed readers may have spotted the small wicker chair on the right hand side of the largest picture. It was given to us, stuffed to the very gills with roughly-hewn Afghan soap and olive oil bottles full of Radox decorated by partially-sighted gibbons, as a wedding present. My very favourite joke is to point at it and ask visitors if they would like "a little sit down". It is therefore also known as 'The Gift That Keeps On Giving.'.
Bedroom of Dust and Snore
British (or European) readers may notice the slight orangeyness of the woodstain, so often the feature of some older Canadian houses. On a more positive note, another common feature of Canadian houses (I will not use the word "home" or "property", even if, in this instance, the word "house" is technically not correct) are gigantic cupboards. (For e.g., I am not exaggerating when I say that one of the wardrobes at Monkey Towers (Country Division) is bigger than the first room I rented in London when I left university.) As far as Monkey Towers (Montreal Division) is concerned, you will note with interest that in this instance, the cupboards in the bedroom are so gigantic, so tall and so full of space they do not even fit in the picture. A ladder is needed to reach the upper levels, currently full of stale biscuits, empty crisp packets and back copies of Bunty.
The bookshelf next to the bed is full of pomes, some of which are by Pam Ayres (who, I am not ashamed to say, I once saw live at Redhill*). Of particular note is the cartoon (David Shrigley), which hangs strategically next to the bed, reminding us both of our inevitable fate(s).
Tomorrow is Monday. For most of you, that means work. For me, it means the beginning of another week of non-working (my fifth, no less), which will no doubt involve a number of minor incidents - incidents that I will relate back to you in the kind of detail that will make you wish you had never started reading this web-blog in the first place.
Pip pip!
NWM
* When Pam Ayres started reading "I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth", a ripple of applause spread around the room. It was like when young people go mad when they hear the first bars of "Eye In The Sky" at an The Alan Parsons Project concert, but in Marks & Spencer slacks and sensible footwear.
Sitting room etc
The activities that we undertake in this part of Monkey Towers include sitting down, lying down, watching television, reading the back of cereal packets, eating toast, taking socks off, impersonating contestants in 3-year-old episodes of Come Dine With Me, etc. The sofa is from IKEA and is not bad, despite the fact it took 4 visits and 123 phone calls to get it. The lights in the dining room were there when we bought the flat; they are stupid and hover at nose height, which is not much good if you are having dinner with someone you would like to look at in the eyes, but handy if you are having Sting round for tea.
Eagle-eyed readers may have spotted the small wicker chair on the right hand side of the largest picture. It was given to us, stuffed to the very gills with roughly-hewn Afghan soap and olive oil bottles full of Radox decorated by partially-sighted gibbons, as a wedding present. My very favourite joke is to point at it and ask visitors if they would like "a little sit down". It is therefore also known as 'The Gift That Keeps On Giving.'.
Bedroom of Dust and Snore
British (or European) readers may notice the slight orangeyness of the woodstain, so often the feature of some older Canadian houses. On a more positive note, another common feature of Canadian houses (I will not use the word "home" or "property", even if, in this instance, the word "house" is technically not correct) are gigantic cupboards. (For e.g., I am not exaggerating when I say that one of the wardrobes at Monkey Towers (Country Division) is bigger than the first room I rented in London when I left university.) As far as Monkey Towers (Montreal Division) is concerned, you will note with interest that in this instance, the cupboards in the bedroom are so gigantic, so tall and so full of space they do not even fit in the picture. A ladder is needed to reach the upper levels, currently full of stale biscuits, empty crisp packets and back copies of Bunty.
The bookshelf next to the bed is full of pomes, some of which are by Pam Ayres (who, I am not ashamed to say, I once saw live at Redhill*). Of particular note is the cartoon (David Shrigley), which hangs strategically next to the bed, reminding us both of our inevitable fate(s).
Tomorrow is Monday. For most of you, that means work. For me, it means the beginning of another week of non-working (my fifth, no less), which will no doubt involve a number of minor incidents - incidents that I will relate back to you in the kind of detail that will make you wish you had never started reading this web-blog in the first place.
Pip pip!
NWM
* When Pam Ayres started reading "I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth", a ripple of applause spread around the room. It was like when young people go mad when they hear the first bars of "Eye In The Sky" at an The Alan Parsons Project concert, but in Marks & Spencer slacks and sensible footwear.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I give you the Pain de Campagne recipe
Hold on to your hats, adoring readers and/or fans!!! Today is the longest post in recent history - yes, here are (detailed) step-by-step instructions for the making of Pain de Campagne, which, when you translate it, becomes the screamingly dull-sounding "Country Bread". Yawn. This is also the first time that you will see actual moving footage of me (from the elbow down), so it is an exciting day for you all, no doubt.The recipe looks far more time-consuming than it is because every single little step has been explained in detail so that idiots (i.e. me) can understand it, but once you've done it a couple of times you'll breeze through it. It is also so delicious (assuming you don't wee in it/forget to put the oven on) that it's worth the effort (and if you want to feel thrifty in your underpants, this is the sort of bread that costs about $13 a loaf at the Farmhouse Organo-La-La Store.)
(Press firmly on the header for the whole thing)
Friday, April 23, 2010
I wish you a happy Friday
Christ on a bike ! It is here again: yes, it is Friday, which means that tomorrow it is the weekend.
It is also a month since I became officially non-working again, and so to celebrate these 'dual facts of happiness', I offer you, my adoring readers and/or fans, a dual round of happiness in the form of two more Bollywood clips with excellent title additions (from me). I know for a fact you will like them.
Cuddle
Motorbike
I don't think I've got any readers from India, but if I have: would you find this funny the other way round? Probably not as funny 'cos you'd understand the English anyway, so what about old Swedish films?
I will post the thing with the bread tomorrow. Yes indeed. You will see.
Pip pip!
NWM
It is also a month since I became officially non-working again, and so to celebrate these 'dual facts of happiness', I offer you, my adoring readers and/or fans, a dual round of happiness in the form of two more Bollywood clips with excellent title additions (from me). I know for a fact you will like them.
Cuddle
Motorbike
I don't think I've got any readers from India, but if I have: would you find this funny the other way round? Probably not as funny 'cos you'd understand the English anyway, so what about old Swedish films?
I will post the thing with the bread tomorrow. Yes indeed. You will see.
Pip pip!
NWM
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