I do not know why I do this with my socks

Watching television forces me to remove my socks and throw them across the room. They will stay there until I have an external reason to pick them up off the floor (e.g. visitors from the abroad, health and safety inspectors, the mayor, etc), or until I run out of socks. Whichever comes first.

The French-Canadian veterinary research histopathologist to whom I am married 'does experiments' on me; most of them involve watching (like the Snowy Owl, official bird of Quebec), how long it will take me to pick something of mine up off the floor. So far, the record is 3 weeks and 2 days for "a feather, a piece of cardboard ... and a string", which he moved now and then to see if I noticed them.  (I did; I just chose to ignore them.)

I do not know what it means if I only remove one sock, as I did earlier this evening.

Socks, eh? Who'd have 'em?!

Yours mysteriously

NWM

I prepare you for bread

Some of you, my adoring readers and/or fans, have expressed an 'interest' in my super-good bread recipe that requires no kneading. It is a little bit more work (i.e. time) than the very brilliant Artisan Bread In Five Minutes a day, which I still use, but this is just a little bit more ... Oh, I don't know. I just like it more.  In this post you will find informations on:

1. Ingredients you need to get
2. Bowls, spoons, shower caps etc you need to get
3. Time you need to put aside.

I am going to write down the bread recipe tomorrow with photos/film of how to do special kneading thing - unless it already exists on the internet (I have not yet even considered how to do a kneading thing, turn the bowl and film myself at the same time, so we may have to wait for the pathologist).

Warning:  If you are hoping for revelatory shots of me full-body, with freshly brushed fur, pipe put aside for health and safety reasons and fez hygienically covered with a hairnet, you will probably be disappointed: I will be concentrating on my tiny little monkey man-hands and what they are doing. We shall see.

(The 'next page' thing still isn't showing up, so click on the header for the full post.)

I learn about Chatroulette

We are in the pub drinking beer and trying answer questions in the 'pub quiz'.  We are very bad at it; despite me remembering the lyrics to "Fly Me To The Moon" and someone else knowing the name of the biggest lake in the Prairies, we are really quite bad; in one round, we are able to answer only one out of the ten questions, possibly because those questions are about hockey and Uranus.

Conversation turns to the special toy my very clever designer friend made for some monkeys when she was at art school (of which more another time; I need another day to digest it as it really is one of the best stories I have ever heard), and then to Chatroulette. 

"Don't do it when you're alone, do it with other people", says my other friend, A; "there are A LOT of cocks".  "True", says our clever designer friend, "but when I did it with Scott, we just put a shrunken head on a stick in front of the webcam. And then Scott won a staring contest with another person, who didn't have his cock out."

I am with my very clever designer friend again today. We walk more than three miles to buy some chickpea flour and a fascimile of Michael Schumacher's latest cap, and have a discussion about whether spending $149 on a pale blue Le Creuset cast iron sauté pan is a good use of an extraordinarily generous wedding present voucher.  

We look for chestnuts to deter her spiders (marrons glacés will not do); we talk about her pet hedgehog; I buy the unsuspicious preserved lemons in a jar; we have a splendid lunch and an English lady sitting behind us tells me that she couldn't go to Paris, and so came to Montreal instead, "because it's the same!". 

I do not know how much travelling she has done up until now, but I do not have the heart to tell her that Montreal is not that much like Paris and nod at her and say "yes, it is very pretty in Montreal (in the summer)!".  Still, she is nice and her girlfriend tells everyone within earshot (i.e. one mile) how "spicy fresh" everything is; we are given free drinks and the sun is out and pavement only smells a little bit like wee. It is the most excellent of non-working days.

We are walking back when the conversation turns to Chatroulette again. "So what you're saying is that most of it is cocks?", I ask, probably too loudly, because an old Italian lady in a red wig looks sharply up at us as we limp by,  and blows her fag smoke scornfully into her crinkled bosoms.

 "No", says my clever designer friend, "It's more ... cock-cock-cock-cock-cock-normal person, cock-normal person-cock- cock-cock-normal person,  normal person-pair of girls looking a bit confused-cock-cock-person staring, cock-cock-cock-normal person. Something like that."

Time passes. We are home! We say goodbye both knowing, beyond all things, that the very first thing we will all do after we have finished our planned Three Fondue Dinner* is get out the big laptop and hang over the back of the sofa, having a go on Chatroulette. 

* Meat, Cheese, Chocolate, stomach pump optional

I present to you "How To Be A Bad Boss: Be A Negative Detail Monkey"

I think you are going to like it a lot. Today: how to completely demotivate everyone around you by focusing on negative detail like an insecure cockmonkey.

I direct another smash-hit feature film

Good news, adoring readers and/or (new) fans: I have made another 'blockbuster movie' using free animation software.

It is the new one in a series called "How To Be A Bad Boss"; the others may make an appearance at some point*, but I am working on another web-blog about work (i.e. no recipes, pictures of rude signs**, stories about chewing gum, etc), and at the moment they live there. (The new web-blog is not ready for general release for many reasons, i.e. it may be shit and I'm not sure what to call it yet, although "Who Owns The Yes?" is a strong contender.)

Anyway, here we are. Here is my new full-length feature. I hope you enjoy it.  It was not produced by Sarah Ferguson or Madonna.





* They are very easy to find on the YouTube if you can be bothered, plus my special Facebook fans  got a link to one yesterday. They are really lucky.

** I saw this when I first moved to Canada. I am still angry, so angry that I only had my mobile phone camera with me, but it was enough to capture the essence of the thing. One day, I will send it to Fail Blog.