I am back from holiday, and come across the most ghastly of all the expressions

"Thank fuck for that!", I hear my legions of adoring readers screech, their tiny voices obscured only by the popping of multiple champagne corks, "now we may recline sharply in our Lazboys, safe in the knowledge that our favourite online web-blogger is back and In Business!".

Favourite, that is, except dear Anna, with whom I shared a plate of gingerbread pancakes and a 'mimosa' (seen in the photograph to the left), in America's fashionable San Francisco Monday last. We touched upon many Topics, including the notion of inflating like a flesh balloon, the wonder of bracelets of saints (I must confess that I copied dear Anna and bought my own - $3.99, made in China - in Santa Cruz a few days later), and other privit topicks that I was keen to discuss, e.g. the Daily Mail website and how many Americans (but not all!!!!!) do not understand irony*; sadly, however, my companions did not share my enthusiasm, choosing instead to suck hungrily from their coffee cups and comment on the weather.

After that, the only other person I know in San Francisco happened to see me walking past his window (this is not a joke; suffice to say we screamed and embraced), and the pathologist got up to his usual tricks with squirrels:



This is not the first time he has hypnotised squirrels; here he is in December 2006:





























And here he is again, practising his dirty mind games on Montreal squirrels in the summer of 2008:



But all this is by-the-by, for I have only one thing of any import to tell you, and that is that I have found the most revolting expression in the English language. I have not forgotten the list; I will update it in due course, but surely this is the worst thing anyone has ever said out loud with their mouths:

"Yes, they are meaty nipples."

"Meaty nipples"? God help us, each and every one.


* When at the University of York not studying for my degree in English and Related Literature (e.g. Anglo Saxon, which is related to no language I know), I did a special paper in Jane Austen, which resulted in a 15,000 word essay on "The Role of Carriages in the Novels of Jane Austen and Maria Edgeworth" (2:1, but only because no-one could be bothered to read it). In my class was an American lady who said - and I swear on my life this is not made up - "Could you define irony for me?". Obviously we all screamed with joy, as Americans and their apparent lack of irony is the only way English people can console themselves re. loss of empire, etc.

I add even more words

I am in California, where a numberplate tells me that the many assumptions I make about BMW drivers are probably correct*:






















Meanwhile, the list of awful words grows and grows. It is great. As ever, new words at the top; where appropriate, the supplier of the word can be accessed by pressing on the word they have supplied.

Beverage
Spacious (as in, "spacious property")
Ensuite (as in, "they have an en suite" - the "bathroom" part is usually left off)
Take as in "So, what's your take on antimacassars then?"
Twist as in "a modern twist on the antimacassar"
Fleshy
Nestling ("...in a bed of lettuce")
Drizzled
Sourced ("for crying out loud", adds the anonymous submitter)
Coulis
Suckling

And this particularly good suggestion from Dan (who has no blog):

'The'. Yep. When people refer to their own medical conditions and try to detach themselves from them. Like not using 'my' somehow sounds less distasteful. "It turns out the infection has spread to THE eyes from THE arse etc". In the way that dog owners try to pretend that the animal crapping on the pavement is nothing to do with them despite their being connected to it by a length of chain.

Oh, and 'quilt'? As a noun.



* If I need to explain why this numberplate caught my attention (and not in a good way), you are no longer allowed to read this web-blog.

I am told about a dream

It is breakfast time!!! We are gnawing eggs, drinking coffee, thrusting toast into our gaping maws, etc. The person I am having breakfast with (a French-Canadian self-haircutting veterinary research pathologist) speaks:

"I dreamt about monkeys last night.

There were some monkeys there, all together.

(Silence.)

In the closet. Yes. They were in the closet.

(Silence.)

Also, some marine mammals. Yes. The monkeys were with the marine mammals.

(Silence.)

Oh. They were in a boat.
Yes. They were in a boat. They were going to be released.

The monkeys. And the sea mammals."

Now we are going on holiday. It is not a moment too soon, in my opinion!!!!


(I am also adding "quaffing" to the banned words list - if you need know why, you may no longer read my web-blog.)

I ban more words

We are not doing badly! I am not including "sofa" (there is nothing wrong with the word - in fact, I would go so far as to to say it is correct); "Chesterfield" is harmless if used correctly; "couch" is ghastly and I won't have it, as is settee, but neither is revolting in quite the way I mean. (I know what I mean, and I am choosing whether words qualify or not; so if you do not agree that is a shame, but I will not be moved.)

New words at the top of the list; the originals below for your enjoyment. If you have submitted a word that qualifies, you will be rewarded by a link, to which enthusiastic leaders may gain access by pressing their 'mouse' (or somesuch!) on the word you have submitted. (I have said it before and I will say it again: the internets are astonishing, and I admire them very much.)

Hosiery
Classy
Upcoming (as in, "upcoming nuptials")
Ramblings
Glistening
Crispy
Pan-fried
Pad
Methinks (she's absolutely right on both of those and her blog is fucking ace, so press on those ones with your mouse)
Pouch (she's got a web-blog but she wouldn't thank me for making you look at it)
Sliver (from the magnificent Monkeymother, who is a my mother)
Must, as in "a must for all visitors" (excellent submission from an anonymous fan)
Meal
Pardon (as in, "beg pardon?")


Morsel
Moist
Crusted
Replete
Gusset
Soiled
Thinly (when used with "sliced")
Glistening
Goitre
Membrane
Writings
Pert
Freshly (...milled, squeezed, made, baked, etc)
Crusty (as in, "crusty white loaf")

And now I must pack my suitcase (not my "luggage"; my suitcase, or suitcases - the very idea of matching luggage is appalling in the extreme), for I am going to California tomorrow. But do not let this deter you from sending in more words; they have the internet in America too, and I will be making good use of it.

Pip pip!!!

I am banning some words

Morsel
Moist
Crusted
Replete
Gusset
Soiled
Thinly (when used with "sliced")
Glistening
Goitre
Membrane
Writings*
Pert
Freshly (...milled, squeezed, made, baked, etc)
Crusty (as in, "crusty white loaf")

Any more for any more? I will simply build this list until it contains all the horrid words ever created, and this is the truth.


* Which reminds me - I really do urge you, if you haven't already, to visit this, the most self-satisfied blog in the world. The advertising industry already has a dodgy enough reputation without chaps like this making it worse. And don't forget to try and leave a comment - you almost certainly won't be able to !