Yes it is true; look here and you will see that over two years ago, I was quite funny. Sadly, that is no longer the case. However, it is reassuring to know that even after two years, and even with 3,500 miles distance between us, Tony Parsons is clearly still a preening cockmonkey.
In other news, I have identified a person to whom I will definitely send a poo in a box. More to follow, but suffice to say the words "Bedford Hill", "probably has a nose shaped like cock" and "what, for 75 quid a year?" are involved
That aside, I intend to change my name to Reeni Aragon-Espino in honour of the real Reeni Aragon-Espino who has little charisma, is often on the Food Network, who makes cakes on television for money and who enjoyed cracking crabs as a child.
Now I shall leave you to go and have pervo-thoughts about Dominic West who, I am happy to relate, is English (and, bizarrely, an Old Etonian) - and otherwise known as Jimmy McNulty. (If you have not seen The Wire, do not delay. Rent it today. Or buy it. Or steal it from Woolworth's before it closes down.)
That is all.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I Consider "Listening Skills"
I am in another meeting and yet again all the people are talking at once. Then I am in another meeting, and the person who pays us, and who needs to tell us stuff, and who is shy, keeps trying to talk, only to be interrupted. It is up and down and in and out of the meeting room; BlackBerries and laptops; changing the subject etc. The meeting is over and we only know a quarter of what we needed to find out, and we waste a day filling in the gaps.
It is quite unbearable. I am not sure what is worse, this kind of selfish noise, or the passive-aggressive nonsense at the other end, which features one being listened to awfully carefully and nothing actually happening. Still, I am perfect and that means that it is now time for me to write yet another one of my handy 'guides' - guides that, if you have any sense at all, you will print off and stick to your cubicle wall.
HOW TO LISTEN
1. Do not talk while the other person is talking, i.e. do not interrupt
It is very bad manners, for starters. It also tells them you are not interested in what they are saying, and that you think you are more interesting. It is very frustrating to have to deal with.
If, however, you are irredeemably selfish and only care for your own advancement and point of view, you will be interested to hear that listening to people is usually the best way of gathering information and/or learning things.
2. Not talking is not the same as listening.
For e.g, looking around the room, drawing lovehearts in margin of paper, sighing, checking watch, very obviously not talking (i.e. taking a breath as if about to say something then stopping at last minute) means you are not listening. You are not paying attention and you are still thinking about yourself and what is interesting to you. It is nearly as bad as interrupting, but quieter.
3. Do not go 'yes yes' and then change the subject
Pretending you have listened, then dismissing everything the person has said by merely starting to talk about something else, is as bad as not listening at all.
4. Put your fucking computer/BlackBerry/phone away
If it's that important, you wouldn't be sitting in this meeting, would you? And are you so important and/or busy that you can't turn it off for a bit? More importantly, using any of these devices in a meeting or while you are supposed to be talking to or listening to someone else is the same as shouting YOU ARE A FUCKING COCK AND YOU ARE NOT WORTH LISTENING TO in their face, i.e., very rude.
5. Just because someone is old does not mean they are talking cock
Yes the 'yoot' are all very Gen Y "give me it now I will not work just give it to me it is my right". But also they are shit at listening, which means they do not learn as much as they want to and then they get frustrated with the people with more experience for not giving them more to do. They are often not given more to do as they cannot be trusted not to call the client a cunt, or play on their Wii game throughout a meeting with the Chairman of for e.g. IBM, or do 'texting' non-stop during the middle of a presentation upon which the future of the company depends.
My advice to the young people is have some manners, i.e. do not be rude to people who are older than you etc, and also bear in mind that they might be able to teach you some interesting tricks and stuff. You can ignore the stuff you don't want to hear, but do not snap gum in their faces and (metaphorically) call them Daddy-O.
SOME HANDY TIPS:
The words that come out of peoples' mouths are very rarely representative of what they are actually thinking. If you shut up for a bit and listen to them you will find out all kinds of astonishing things, including what they really mean, what kind of person they are, what they want you to do or not do and - astonishingly! - you may also find it interesting and/or useful!
Think before you speak. No, but really. Is what you are about to say going to help in the long run? Is it appropriate? How is it going to make the other person feel? Will it make you feel better for 2 seconds and then plunge you into a world of pain?
Does it really matter? No, but does it?
If you have something you want to say and it pops into your head while the other person is talking, write it down. That way you will not be thinking about it and tempted to interrupt, and you can keep listening to the other person.
Going "mmm mmm" while picking fluff off your lapels is not the same as looking at them in the face and sometimes asking them a question that shows you have heard what they have said and are interested in it.
There is something called 'repeating back' which sounds a bit wank but is good. In it you check that you have understood what they have said to you by going for e.g. "OK so what I'm hearing is ... " and then saying a short version of what you think they have said to you. It is good because it shows you have listened and checks that you have the information right! It is a double-bonus all round.
There are people who have written whole books on this shit and who make many thousands of monies doing seminars or whatever on it. There is no need for that nonsense because at the end of it, all you need to do is not be a rude self-obsessed idiot.
What is also interesting is that these tips will of course help you in your place of work - and they may also help you have more sexual encounters with people you find attractive!!! That is because everyone likes to be listened to, and may of the people described as "sexy" or "charming" or "lovely" are usually just very good at listening. (Which still doesn't explain Andrew Lloyd-Weber, but I'm not sure anything ever will.)
It is quite unbearable. I am not sure what is worse, this kind of selfish noise, or the passive-aggressive nonsense at the other end, which features one being listened to awfully carefully and nothing actually happening. Still, I am perfect and that means that it is now time for me to write yet another one of my handy 'guides' - guides that, if you have any sense at all, you will print off and stick to your cubicle wall.
HOW TO LISTEN
1. Do not talk while the other person is talking, i.e. do not interrupt
It is very bad manners, for starters. It also tells them you are not interested in what they are saying, and that you think you are more interesting. It is very frustrating to have to deal with.
If, however, you are irredeemably selfish and only care for your own advancement and point of view, you will be interested to hear that listening to people is usually the best way of gathering information and/or learning things.
2. Not talking is not the same as listening.
For e.g, looking around the room, drawing lovehearts in margin of paper, sighing, checking watch, very obviously not talking (i.e. taking a breath as if about to say something then stopping at last minute) means you are not listening. You are not paying attention and you are still thinking about yourself and what is interesting to you. It is nearly as bad as interrupting, but quieter.
3. Do not go 'yes yes' and then change the subject
Pretending you have listened, then dismissing everything the person has said by merely starting to talk about something else, is as bad as not listening at all.
4. Put your fucking computer/BlackBerry/phone away
If it's that important, you wouldn't be sitting in this meeting, would you? And are you so important and/or busy that you can't turn it off for a bit? More importantly, using any of these devices in a meeting or while you are supposed to be talking to or listening to someone else is the same as shouting YOU ARE A FUCKING COCK AND YOU ARE NOT WORTH LISTENING TO in their face, i.e., very rude.
5. Just because someone is old does not mean they are talking cock
Yes the 'yoot' are all very Gen Y "give me it now I will not work just give it to me it is my right". But also they are shit at listening, which means they do not learn as much as they want to and then they get frustrated with the people with more experience for not giving them more to do. They are often not given more to do as they cannot be trusted not to call the client a cunt, or play on their Wii game throughout a meeting with the Chairman of for e.g. IBM, or do 'texting' non-stop during the middle of a presentation upon which the future of the company depends.
My advice to the young people is have some manners, i.e. do not be rude to people who are older than you etc, and also bear in mind that they might be able to teach you some interesting tricks and stuff. You can ignore the stuff you don't want to hear, but do not snap gum in their faces and (metaphorically) call them Daddy-O.
SOME HANDY TIPS:
The words that come out of peoples' mouths are very rarely representative of what they are actually thinking. If you shut up for a bit and listen to them you will find out all kinds of astonishing things, including what they really mean, what kind of person they are, what they want you to do or not do and - astonishingly! - you may also find it interesting and/or useful!
Think before you speak. No, but really. Is what you are about to say going to help in the long run? Is it appropriate? How is it going to make the other person feel? Will it make you feel better for 2 seconds and then plunge you into a world of pain?
Does it really matter? No, but does it?
If you have something you want to say and it pops into your head while the other person is talking, write it down. That way you will not be thinking about it and tempted to interrupt, and you can keep listening to the other person.
Going "mmm mmm" while picking fluff off your lapels is not the same as looking at them in the face and sometimes asking them a question that shows you have heard what they have said and are interested in it.
There is something called 'repeating back' which sounds a bit wank but is good. In it you check that you have understood what they have said to you by going for e.g. "OK so what I'm hearing is ... " and then saying a short version of what you think they have said to you. It is good because it shows you have listened and checks that you have the information right! It is a double-bonus all round.
There are people who have written whole books on this shit and who make many thousands of monies doing seminars or whatever on it. There is no need for that nonsense because at the end of it, all you need to do is not be a rude self-obsessed idiot.
What is also interesting is that these tips will of course help you in your place of work - and they may also help you have more sexual encounters with people you find attractive!!! That is because everyone likes to be listened to, and may of the people described as "sexy" or "charming" or "lovely" are usually just very good at listening. (Which still doesn't explain Andrew Lloyd-Weber, but I'm not sure anything ever will.)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Things I Find Different About Canada
It may not just be Canada, of course; these things may happen elsewhere too, e.g. North America (general). Many of them may be particular to French Canada. Either way, they are making me remark upon their difference! Here we are:
Lunch at midday (or earlier) when you have started work at 9. Too early.
Dinner at 6pm. Also too early.
Michael Ignatieff. Not on BBC2 talking cock about Ian McEwan's latest: no. Now he is on the television news speaking bad French, running for leader of the Liberal Party and everyone is laughing.
Eggs in the refrigerator cabinet, and screams of horror when they find out we keep them on the shelf. Why?
Over 100 varieties of Philadelphia cheese. Why?
Tidiness. People get in a mardy bate about for e.g. 1 piece of paper on the street. They have obviously not been to most of Europe, especially London.
No sense that you are going to be stabbed to death on the street at any moment. Very relaxing.
People not drunk and vomiting on the street in the evenings after the pubs. People having fun and that (well, in Montreal anyway); just not behaving like dicks.
No-one really gives a shit about celebrities, unless you are in Quebec and Céline Dion is in the house.
Dull newspapers; limited media. They may have better things to do - but an interesting newspaper is something I miss very much indeed! (And I'm not talking about The Daily Express - which most certainly is not "The World's Greatest Newspaper".)
It is very cold. When they say "it's cold" they mean "it's cold" (like -9 in November with a wind chill factor of -15), not "it's cold" English style, i.e. "it's a bit nippy and I'm out in Newcastle without my tights on". Also, they do not moan about the weather like English people do; they merely remark upon it in a non-astonished style.
There isn't any old stuff. Well, there is, but it's only seventeenth century or something and there's not much of it. This makes me very confused sometimes and when I visit Europe again I just stare at old things (not MonkeyMother and MonkeyFather!!!) and feel strange.
Mobile phone technology; in fact, technology generally. I am not talking about handsets and that!! I am talking about the networks; the way the lady talks to you; the amount of buttons you have to press to simply pick up a message. That sort of stuff.
Pointless fashion. There is not much 'fashion' in that stupid Grazia way as far as I can see. Even the best dressed people look sensible. You don't get many of those "are you wearing a fancy dress?" type clothes you sometimes get in London offices. It is nice, but then when you could die of hypothermia just by standing outside without your shoes on for 3 minutes in the deep winter, perhaps it makes sense.
Fruit salad. Jesus wept. Fruit salad is OK for breakfast but it must be contained!!! I do not want fruit salad on the same plate as my omelette. Nor my scrambled eggs and bacon. And certainly not with my smoked salmon. But there is ALWAYS fruit salad, and there is always rubbish melon in it! It is weird. And you can't say "no fruit salad" because that looks like you are not healthy.
Toast racks. They do not have them here and they laugh when I show them mine. I cannot see why.
I am sure there will be more things that will come into my mind (e.g., "Why Is Skippy Peanutbutter?"), but for the moment I must sit back in my armchair, adjust my fez, and pull on my maple pipe and wish to fuck there was something good on the telly.
Lunch at midday (or earlier) when you have started work at 9. Too early.
Dinner at 6pm. Also too early.
Michael Ignatieff. Not on BBC2 talking cock about Ian McEwan's latest: no. Now he is on the television news speaking bad French, running for leader of the Liberal Party and everyone is laughing.
Eggs in the refrigerator cabinet, and screams of horror when they find out we keep them on the shelf. Why?
Over 100 varieties of Philadelphia cheese. Why?
Tidiness. People get in a mardy bate about for e.g. 1 piece of paper on the street. They have obviously not been to most of Europe, especially London.
No sense that you are going to be stabbed to death on the street at any moment. Very relaxing.
People not drunk and vomiting on the street in the evenings after the pubs. People having fun and that (well, in Montreal anyway); just not behaving like dicks.
No-one really gives a shit about celebrities, unless you are in Quebec and Céline Dion is in the house.
Dull newspapers; limited media. They may have better things to do - but an interesting newspaper is something I miss very much indeed! (And I'm not talking about The Daily Express - which most certainly is not "The World's Greatest Newspaper".)
It is very cold. When they say "it's cold" they mean "it's cold" (like -9 in November with a wind chill factor of -15), not "it's cold" English style, i.e. "it's a bit nippy and I'm out in Newcastle without my tights on". Also, they do not moan about the weather like English people do; they merely remark upon it in a non-astonished style.
There isn't any old stuff. Well, there is, but it's only seventeenth century or something and there's not much of it. This makes me very confused sometimes and when I visit Europe again I just stare at old things (not MonkeyMother and MonkeyFather!!!) and feel strange.
Mobile phone technology; in fact, technology generally. I am not talking about handsets and that!! I am talking about the networks; the way the lady talks to you; the amount of buttons you have to press to simply pick up a message. That sort of stuff.
Pointless fashion. There is not much 'fashion' in that stupid Grazia way as far as I can see. Even the best dressed people look sensible. You don't get many of those "are you wearing a fancy dress?" type clothes you sometimes get in London offices. It is nice, but then when you could die of hypothermia just by standing outside without your shoes on for 3 minutes in the deep winter, perhaps it makes sense.
Fruit salad. Jesus wept. Fruit salad is OK for breakfast but it must be contained!!! I do not want fruit salad on the same plate as my omelette. Nor my scrambled eggs and bacon. And certainly not with my smoked salmon. But there is ALWAYS fruit salad, and there is always rubbish melon in it! It is weird. And you can't say "no fruit salad" because that looks like you are not healthy.
Toast racks. They do not have them here and they laugh when I show them mine. I cannot see why.
I am sure there will be more things that will come into my mind (e.g., "Why Is Skippy Peanutbutter?"), but for the moment I must sit back in my armchair, adjust my fez, and pull on my maple pipe and wish to fuck there was something good on the telly.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
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