Yes!

And "why?"

"This woman is one 72-year-old's heartbeat away from being the President of the United States of America"

I am not a 'politico' in the traditional sense (!!!), but I must say we did laugh and laugh at this! Do wait until the end; it's worth every second.

(If you don't know who Jack Cafferty is, for British readers: he's an American Paxman. For Canadian readers: he's a bit like Rex Murphy):

I am taken back to South London

Do look at at this. It is quite brilliant.

Monkey on a dog-horse

It was sent by my friend Dan, whose wise words ("Never, ever interrupt a man when he's making a cunt of himself") are a source of constant comfort in these troubling times. In fact, it is number one in my List Of How To Work With People:

1. Never, ever interrupt a man when he's making a cunt of himself
Wankers, idiots, the political, the whining, the dishonest and the manipulative constantly reveal themselves, whether they want to or not. This means you have no need to reveal them, or indeed get worked up about it - which is very good news!!

2. Listen to what people mean, not what they're saying.
This is probably in one of those Who Moved My Cheese books, but I do not care: it is very useful. (As is, in fact, listening generally - something that the young people are not able to do anymore, as they have been brought up by stupid parents who told them from the time that they were a tiny child that everything they said was important.

This is not true. Most of the things most people say are not important and most people won't listen to you most of the time. The sooner you realise that, the easier your life will be.)

3. Most people are idiots
Poor them. Be nice.

4. Most people mean to do the right thing even if they are annoying
Also true.

5. Treat everyone the same
For me this means I treat the managing director like the receptionist, but seeing as I treat her like I would treat anyone that is OK. Also it means that the managing director gets to order couriers for me and (occasionally!) send stuff overseas, which he likes.

6. Try not to shout, cry, tell me I'm a cunt, blame everyone else, be accusatory, not take any personal responsibility, etc
Particularly try not to do all of them at the same time whilst asking something from me. It will not work!!

7. Have good manners
If you do this everything else is easy.

In the middle of the night, I wake up

What is this shit? Five nights out of seven I wake up at 3 or 4, and am awake for two hours. And it is not just any old awake!!! No. It is the awake of the 'active mind'.

In fact, my mind is so active that it is often at this time that I am at my most productive. I have, in the past, been known to write entire presentations, letters to friends, shopping lists, 'to do' lists (general) or applications for "Britain's Got Talent" in the middle of the night, waking the next morning to find that not only can I not remember doing it, but that it is usually - in the case of work-related matters - of a very high standard!! It is odd (but not that odd, considering there are no distractions at all e.g people asking for stuff, crying because they haven't been promoted, wanting to know how to unblock the photocopier, asking me to be in meetings that are a waste of life, etc.)

I have heard that this is in fact entirely normal, as is the desire (and one I heartily endorse!!!*) to have a kip in the middle of the afternoon. In the olden days, apparently, people would hop out of bed, light a pipe, read a bit, wander around a bit and then go back to bed; sometimes they could be quite sociable, these middle-of-the-night wakingnesses, and you might find two or more people in eighteenth century nightclothes gathered about the fire in amusing hats talking about things.

Since discovering that it is normal I have worried less. And yet still I am tired! My accursed mind. So full of nothing and everything, whirring about the place. I am put in mind of a poem by Fleur Adcock that goes like this:

Things

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
and worse.

And yet it reminds me that my non-sleepingness is not fair, for even if there is nothing standing icily about the bed, I still wake up and whir in the head! I am thinking of trying out 'meditation', but I am too tired to find somewhere to go and do it.


* When I worked for Britain's best-selling quality daily newspaper, I would often crawl round the side of my desk, between it and the window, and have a little sleep. It was really good, until I got found out and photographed.