Day 81: I Go To Waterstone's

Try not to shop in Waterstone's, if you can help it. Every single little fucker that works there is doing an MA in something pointless and thinks that they are far, far too important to work in a shop.

Me: Hello. Have you got A Vicious Circle by Amanda Craig* in stock? I can't see it on the shelf.
Him: (Sighs, barely looks up) Sorry?
Me: A Vicious Circle by Amanda Craig. Have you got it?
Him: (Sighs) Is it on the shelf?
Me: No ... um, could you check to see that it's still in print?
Him: (Sighs, puts his book down, barely looks up) I suppose so.
Me: Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Time passes. A dog barks in the distance. Distant laughter is heard in the Popular Psychology section. I see nothing but books about how to dress, eat, get a man and keep him, 3-for-2 offers on books about single women getting their man, cards with cats on and a book about cake written by an actress. And the new Bill Bryson book in teetering piles up to the moon.

Him: Yeah, it's in print. Do you ... WANT it? (As if I am ordering Mein Kampf)
Me: No. Not anymore.

Ooh, get you, with your stupid MA, your scraggly facial hair and your 'I'm an intellectual' clothes. It takes a rare man to put me off buying shiny shiny books but you, my friend, have done it. And now I am going to drive back to Highgate and go to the weird shop on the corner that sells a disproportionate amount of Freud, books at a price that is as expensive as books can get, has no 3-for-2 offers and no 'staff recommendations' from over-educated fuckwits whose opinions I care nothing about. Then I will have a strange but pleasant small conversation with a woman with Hair who has a dog sleeping on her feet, and an unfeasibly tall man in glasses who likes Nancy Mitford.

* Buy it. It's good.

Day 81: I Buy Wine In Marks And Spencer

I am buying wine. The young man on the till picks up the bottle, looks at it, then looks at me.

Man on Till: Linda? (Waves bottle of wine at supervisor lady in glasses.)

She glances at me.

Linda: Yes, she's fine, love.
Me: (A slight thrill passes through me.) Were you just checking to see if I was over 21?
Linda: It's the young ones. They can't always tell, you see.
Me: What, that I'm over 21?
Him: I can't always tell, you see. I'm eighteen. You get past a certain point ...
Me: ... what, twenty?
Him: It's obvious now I look, though.
Linda: Yes love, you should look you know, you will be able to tell.
Me: Come on. You could at least PRETEND. For my sake.
Linda: I could, I suppose, but ...
Him: ...Cashback?

Day 80: I See A Fox In My House

Why is the cat in the bathroom, squeaking frantically? Is he dying? (Fingers crossed.) Why is the back door banging? What's that rustling noise and that weird tap-tap sound like a phantom dog?

But of course! It isn't the cat, or the wind, or a phantom dog. Naturally, it's a fox, in my sitting room, sitting on its arse, watching telly from behind the door. Which obviously makes sense, what with this being London, and me being in my house.

And I can't be sure, but I think it's the fox who's been in before (what is the lifespan of a fox that lives off the insides of wheely bins?). The same one that watched EastEnders one night a couple of years ago, then stole a (heavy) bag and chewed its handle off in the garden, perhaps?

And no, it's not 'cute'. It's weird.

Coming Soon: There is a rhinoceros in the room.

Day 80: I Look To The Stars For Guidance

Having been reminded twice today that I am apparently a Libran, I have decided to start reading my horoscope(s).

I have many things on my mind: Will I ever get a job and stop worrying about money? Will the squirrels die? Will I be travelling to a far away place sometime soon? Will the cat live beyond its fifteenth birthday, despite my best efforts? Will my parents fill their retirement spending the inheritance on a muskrat farm? And will all drivers of Porsche Cayennes die in a pile-up on the M25?

Let's see what the stars have to say!

Justin Toper, OK! Magazine

The stars give you licence to do just about anything!

I don't know what to do about anything. That's the problem. Oh well.

Dena's Life Stars, Take A Break Magazine

... That feeling of confusion will disappear leaving you plenty to smile about... If two lovers are fighting over you it's time to exit and leave them to it!

Hmm. Better. If only the confusion would go, I wouldn't be reading horoscopes. But I'm not convinced: the last time two lovers faught over me was in a car park in Swansea in 2001.

Bernard Fitzwalter ("He's spot on, you know..."), Chat Magazine

Come on, Bernie. What you got for me?

Amazing what turns up when you're not looking! You could discover something about someone you work with that'll change not just your relationship with them, but everyone else's, too.

As far as I know, I'm not working with anyone at the moment, unless I've missed the point and have in fact been going to an office every day for the last eighty days. Wrong, Bernie. Oh so very wrong.

The Daily Mail

Maybe you are finding it difficult to express your feelings for fear they will not meet a positive response.

Is that just today, or generally?

The Daily Telegraph

With the Sun and Mercury in Libra you are at your most creative, but do not take on more than you can handle, or be over optimistic about money. If you keep your feet on solid ground, you can side step a potential problem, so draw up positive new plans, but do not try to to go too far, too fast. You can solve a recent cash flow problem if you take advice from someone you rely on.

If this is me at my "most creative", I am doomed. And does "optimistic" mean "believe I can pay the mortgage next month"? The lady in the corner shop will be choosing my lottery numbers this weekend, that much I do know.

Shelley Von Strunckel, The Sunday Times

For the past several weeks, you’ve been riding the rapids, along with everybody else. Swiftly changing circumstances and equally powerful changes in the general atmosphere have made it difficult to make plans. This powerful cycle of change is finally coming to a close, and you can begin to look ahead."

If the last several weeks have been riding the rapids, God help me if anything actually happens. But what a relief - if the powerful cycle of change (?) is going to come to a close soon, I will be able to look ahead confidently to another month of watching daytime television and going to the gym. Thanks, Shell!

Russellgrant.com

Anything you tackle at this time should go well. In fact your success at some jobs you take on will exceed your expectations! The more you achieve, the more your confidence will shine. Your high spirits will spread to those around you as you encourage others to try their hand at tasks they've not had the guts to attempt in the past.

But Russell, I'm not doing anything. And if I tried to encourage anyone else to do something, they'd laugh.

Astrology.com

Combine your two favorite things: friends and art. Make some impromptu plans with friends you haven't seen in a while - hit a museum, sculpture garden or gallery crawl. It'll refresh you in all the ways you require.

Hmm. Sounds OK as it goes. Bit poncy, but OK. At least it tells me what to do.

Mystic Meg, The News Of The World

I've got a lot riding on you, baby - remember when we met in 1999 and you asked me to brush your hair?

You need to choose between love that gives you a sense of freedom and acceptance versus a possessive passion. A job or study project that links you with supportive friends helps you shine. Cousins share winning luck. A call from a faraway relative brings good news.

I will return my aunt's phone call (is Devon a long way away?), and see my cousin, who I have been trying to avoid. The first bit sounds OK and I don't understand the rest.

Debbie Frank, The Daily Mirror

Time goes quickly when you're having fun and there's certainly a feeling of life speeding up. Events gather pace now the Moon shifts into expansive Sagittarius and on the whole you feel more positive. You may have to let go of certain activities in order to make way for something new, but that's all par for the course.

Time is going very slowly, and far too fast in very short bursts. I don't think life is speeding up, but I have got an interview next week for a job that doesn't exist. As for the activity, I take it she means watching daytime television and reading 50p novels from the Oxfam Shop on Streatham High Street?

Overall, it seems that if you too are a Libran, things are going to happen to you in the next month. Incredible! Oh, hang on - what this? "Luck takes the colour red." What?

Coming soon: I try my hand at astrology in order to pay the mortgage next month. Call my Starline on 0905 HOROSCOPE to find out more. UK calls cost £89 a minute. Not available in ROI. All calls are recorded.

Day 80: I Watch Daytime Television

One of the enormous benefits of unemployment are the free hours that can be filled watching daytime television.

An average day's viewing schedule might look something like this:



"I Can't Raise £200 Out Of The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Provincial Auction House", BBC1, 10am; repeated at 3pm and 4pm

"I Can't Raise £25 Selling The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Boot Sale", BBC1, 10.30am; repeated on BBC3 and 4 throughout the week

"Move Out Of Your House For A Day And We Will Decorate It Using Shoddy Workmanship And Home Interior Design Tips Taken Out Of 'Chat' Magazine", usually hosted by Claire "I'm a tapdancer really and used to be in Brookie' Sweeney (known as SWEEN-OOH after a night at the panto in Milton Keynes), and Linda 'Colourblind Chav' Barker, BBC1, 11am

"Move To A Castle In The Country On The Profits From Your Terrace In Wandsworth", BBC2, 4.30pm

"Retire To Marbella On The Profits From Your Semi In Birmingham", Channel 4, 5pm

"Have A Boss-Eyed Colourblind American With Dubious Trousers Round To Inappropriately Redecorate Your Flat", Five, 5pm

"Buy A House You Have Never Seen At Auction, Fail To Have A Survey Done, And Fuck Your Life Up Forever, BBC1, 9.45am (Thursday)

"Drunken Pikey Shoutdown, Featuring Patronising Middle Class Kneeling Host and Free Counselling Round The Back", ITV, 2pm

"Lick This Lie Detector And Tell Me You're The Dad", ITV, 2.30pm

"I Am American And Dysfunctional In A Way You Won't Quite Get", ITV2, 4pm, repeated at 5 and 6pm.

But all this is as nothing compared to ITV's This Morning, because Fern and Phil are on it, and I love them.

Oh Fern Brittain, with your lovely cheeks and kind eyes, married to the handsome chef who loves you as you are. Oh Ferny-Fern, who guests miss when they come in on Friday and get the thin bird with the bob instead.

Fernster The Fern, who can talk about genital warts, bereavement, shepherd's pie and cheap dresses from Tesco in the space of 10 minutes and not sound like an idiot. Fern-Oh, who doesn't care that she's a porker and still wears bikinis; who can cycle across India for charity and not be a celebrity twat about it. And The Phillip Schofield.

Oh Phil, with your grey hair that you stopped dyeing one day, whereupon you became the Grey Fox of all the Grey Foxes. Phil, previous hero of childrens' TV and non-idiot. Philly Phil, with your dimples and kindness.

Together, they are Fern 'n' Phil. I love you, Fern and Phil. I really love you. You make unemployment feel good.