Day 80: I See A Fox In My House

Why is the cat in the bathroom, squeaking frantically? Is he dying? (Fingers crossed.) Why is the back door banging? What's that rustling noise and that weird tap-tap sound like a phantom dog?

But of course! It isn't the cat, or the wind, or a phantom dog. Naturally, it's a fox, in my sitting room, sitting on its arse, watching telly from behind the door. Which obviously makes sense, what with this being London, and me being in my house.

And I can't be sure, but I think it's the fox who's been in before (what is the lifespan of a fox that lives off the insides of wheely bins?). The same one that watched EastEnders one night a couple of years ago, then stole a (heavy) bag and chewed its handle off in the garden, perhaps?

And no, it's not 'cute'. It's weird.

Coming Soon: There is a rhinoceros in the room.

Day 80: I Look To The Stars For Guidance

Having been reminded twice today that I am apparently a Libran, I have decided to start reading my horoscope(s).

I have many things on my mind: Will I ever get a job and stop worrying about money? Will the squirrels die? Will I be travelling to a far away place sometime soon? Will the cat live beyond its fifteenth birthday, despite my best efforts? Will my parents fill their retirement spending the inheritance on a muskrat farm? And will all drivers of Porsche Cayennes die in a pile-up on the M25?

Let's see what the stars have to say!

Justin Toper, OK! Magazine

The stars give you licence to do just about anything!

I don't know what to do about anything. That's the problem. Oh well.

Dena's Life Stars, Take A Break Magazine

... That feeling of confusion will disappear leaving you plenty to smile about... If two lovers are fighting over you it's time to exit and leave them to it!

Hmm. Better. If only the confusion would go, I wouldn't be reading horoscopes. But I'm not convinced: the last time two lovers faught over me was in a car park in Swansea in 2001.

Bernard Fitzwalter ("He's spot on, you know..."), Chat Magazine

Come on, Bernie. What you got for me?

Amazing what turns up when you're not looking! You could discover something about someone you work with that'll change not just your relationship with them, but everyone else's, too.

As far as I know, I'm not working with anyone at the moment, unless I've missed the point and have in fact been going to an office every day for the last eighty days. Wrong, Bernie. Oh so very wrong.

The Daily Mail

Maybe you are finding it difficult to express your feelings for fear they will not meet a positive response.

Is that just today, or generally?

The Daily Telegraph

With the Sun and Mercury in Libra you are at your most creative, but do not take on more than you can handle, or be over optimistic about money. If you keep your feet on solid ground, you can side step a potential problem, so draw up positive new plans, but do not try to to go too far, too fast. You can solve a recent cash flow problem if you take advice from someone you rely on.

If this is me at my "most creative", I am doomed. And does "optimistic" mean "believe I can pay the mortgage next month"? The lady in the corner shop will be choosing my lottery numbers this weekend, that much I do know.

Shelley Von Strunckel, The Sunday Times

For the past several weeks, you’ve been riding the rapids, along with everybody else. Swiftly changing circumstances and equally powerful changes in the general atmosphere have made it difficult to make plans. This powerful cycle of change is finally coming to a close, and you can begin to look ahead."

If the last several weeks have been riding the rapids, God help me if anything actually happens. But what a relief - if the powerful cycle of change (?) is going to come to a close soon, I will be able to look ahead confidently to another month of watching daytime television and going to the gym. Thanks, Shell!

Russellgrant.com

Anything you tackle at this time should go well. In fact your success at some jobs you take on will exceed your expectations! The more you achieve, the more your confidence will shine. Your high spirits will spread to those around you as you encourage others to try their hand at tasks they've not had the guts to attempt in the past.

But Russell, I'm not doing anything. And if I tried to encourage anyone else to do something, they'd laugh.

Astrology.com

Combine your two favorite things: friends and art. Make some impromptu plans with friends you haven't seen in a while - hit a museum, sculpture garden or gallery crawl. It'll refresh you in all the ways you require.

Hmm. Sounds OK as it goes. Bit poncy, but OK. At least it tells me what to do.

Mystic Meg, The News Of The World

I've got a lot riding on you, baby - remember when we met in 1999 and you asked me to brush your hair?

You need to choose between love that gives you a sense of freedom and acceptance versus a possessive passion. A job or study project that links you with supportive friends helps you shine. Cousins share winning luck. A call from a faraway relative brings good news.

I will return my aunt's phone call (is Devon a long way away?), and see my cousin, who I have been trying to avoid. The first bit sounds OK and I don't understand the rest.

Debbie Frank, The Daily Mirror

Time goes quickly when you're having fun and there's certainly a feeling of life speeding up. Events gather pace now the Moon shifts into expansive Sagittarius and on the whole you feel more positive. You may have to let go of certain activities in order to make way for something new, but that's all par for the course.

Time is going very slowly, and far too fast in very short bursts. I don't think life is speeding up, but I have got an interview next week for a job that doesn't exist. As for the activity, I take it she means watching daytime television and reading 50p novels from the Oxfam Shop on Streatham High Street?

Overall, it seems that if you too are a Libran, things are going to happen to you in the next month. Incredible! Oh, hang on - what this? "Luck takes the colour red." What?

Coming soon: I try my hand at astrology in order to pay the mortgage next month. Call my Starline on 0905 HOROSCOPE to find out more. UK calls cost £89 a minute. Not available in ROI. All calls are recorded.

Day 80: I Watch Daytime Television

One of the enormous benefits of unemployment are the free hours that can be filled watching daytime television.

An average day's viewing schedule might look something like this:



"I Can't Raise £200 Out Of The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Provincial Auction House", BBC1, 10am; repeated at 3pm and 4pm

"I Can't Raise £25 Selling The Pikey Shit In My Attic At A Boot Sale", BBC1, 10.30am; repeated on BBC3 and 4 throughout the week

"Move Out Of Your House For A Day And We Will Decorate It Using Shoddy Workmanship And Home Interior Design Tips Taken Out Of 'Chat' Magazine", usually hosted by Claire "I'm a tapdancer really and used to be in Brookie' Sweeney (known as SWEEN-OOH after a night at the panto in Milton Keynes), and Linda 'Colourblind Chav' Barker, BBC1, 11am

"Move To A Castle In The Country On The Profits From Your Terrace In Wandsworth", BBC2, 4.30pm

"Retire To Marbella On The Profits From Your Semi In Birmingham", Channel 4, 5pm

"Have A Boss-Eyed Colourblind American With Dubious Trousers Round To Inappropriately Redecorate Your Flat", Five, 5pm

"Buy A House You Have Never Seen At Auction, Fail To Have A Survey Done, And Fuck Your Life Up Forever, BBC1, 9.45am (Thursday)

"Drunken Pikey Shoutdown, Featuring Patronising Middle Class Kneeling Host and Free Counselling Round The Back", ITV, 2pm

"Lick This Lie Detector And Tell Me You're The Dad", ITV, 2.30pm

"I Am American And Dysfunctional In A Way You Won't Quite Get", ITV2, 4pm, repeated at 5 and 6pm.

But all this is as nothing compared to ITV's This Morning, because Fern and Phil are on it, and I love them.

Oh Fern Brittain, with your lovely cheeks and kind eyes, married to the handsome chef who loves you as you are. Oh Ferny-Fern, who guests miss when they come in on Friday and get the thin bird with the bob instead.

Fernster The Fern, who can talk about genital warts, bereavement, shepherd's pie and cheap dresses from Tesco in the space of 10 minutes and not sound like an idiot. Fern-Oh, who doesn't care that she's a porker and still wears bikinis; who can cycle across India for charity and not be a celebrity twat about it. And The Phillip Schofield.

Oh Phil, with your grey hair that you stopped dyeing one day, whereupon you became the Grey Fox of all the Grey Foxes. Phil, previous hero of childrens' TV and non-idiot. Philly Phil, with your dimples and kindness.

Together, they are Fern 'n' Phil. I love you, Fern and Phil. I really love you. You make unemployment feel good.

Day 79: I Have Lost Control Of My Faculties

At what point, exactly, do you accept that you have a facial tic and undergo minor neurological surgery?

I can't stop winking. Wink wink wink. Like an idiot. Winky-wink-wink-wink. Winketty-wink. The whole time, ceaselessly and without end. I make sure I only do it when I shouldn't, because I enjoy looking like a lascivious Bedlamite. Wink wink. Oh, winky wink-wink.


Times At Which It Is Acceptable To Wink

1. If you are Sid James, Leslie Phillips, Bob Monkhouse or Bruce Forsyth (Foreign Readers - no, you won't understand, but you're not missing much)
2. If you are trying to communicate without words with someone on the other side of the room (but not in a saucy way)
3. If you have something in your eye, e.g. Marmite (me, yesterday morning)
4. If you have just stuck your mascara wand in your eye
5. If someone has poked you in the eye with their finger
6. If you are drunk and showing people what you can do with your face
7. If you are in a meeting and have Done Something Manipulative and they've fallen for it.

Times At Which It Is Not Acceptable To Wink

1. When having parking ticket punched in Sainsbury's in Camden
2. Upon entering the gymnasium, every day
3. When buying petrol in Tesco Express on Brixton Road from a man with one eye
4. When looking at people you do not know in other cars
5. Upon completion of unmentionable cosmetic medical procedures
6. Upon leaving hotels
7. When buying Pork Scratchings in pubs
8. When trying to be saucy.

Wink wink. Aaargh.

Day 79: I Demand An Immediate Ban On Exclamation Marks!

No more. I insist. I can't bear it anymore. This is entirely subjective: I hate exclamation marks in the same way that I hate celery, cucumber, that idiot Jeff who went out with Jade Goody, and the word "pardon".

I know it's illogical. I know they're greatly loved. In Spain you get two, even if one is upside down. I know they're on everything, from packets of food ("Eat Well!"), to pieces of correspondence from the local council ("You may be wondering about the new parking restrictions in your area!"), but it has to stop. Exclamation marks don't even get a mention in The Economist Style Guide which means The Economist doesn't use them, or think they're even worthy of a mention. People who work with copy a lot (journalists and copywriters, for example), call them 'screamers'. Although a lot of those types talk bollocks quite a lot of the time, they're right about that: exclamation marks are the written equivalent of raising your voice at the end of a sentence, shouting, or laughing at your own jokes (which I do a lot, mind you, so I'm hardly one to judge).

They're OK when you're being ironic, but even then their success isn't guaranteed. I know I'm a snob. I know I've probably offended half the people who comment on this blog (and please don't stop). And I'm sorry. But if I see another exclamation mark, I'm going to kill someone! And I'm not joking.