Saturday, December 19, 2015

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The original version of this post contained a strange transcript of an email I wrote to Simon at work asking for advice about Barbours. I was going to bin the post but the comments were lovley so I have cut the boring bit out and put the end bit in, which will explain the comments. Please and thank you. 

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I have so much to say on the subject of being back in Blighty after 8 long, long, unremarkable years in Canada that I don't know where to start. If you, my adoring readers and/or fans, have any 'questions' or 'topics', insert them forcefully into the comments box below and I will do my utmost best to answer them.

Pip "Mince Fucking Pies Everywhere and Permanently Drunk - Isn't Life Grand!!" Pip

NWM



14 comments:

Ali said...

NWM I have a question, what have you been cooking? Have you found yourself sneaking in very English things, like faggots and Yorkshire puddings and sausages, or have your culinary habits remained similar?

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Ali I really love you. I admit I am a bit drunk but I do really love you because this is a fantastic question and one that I have been thinking about quite a lot. I am going to reply properly IN A POST, but suffice to say it has been preying on my mind quite a lot and I am still struggling with a) all the packaging; b) the ready availability of lamb; c) the really fine thin green beans; d) the many varieties of weird packet bread; e) the cheap booze. In Quebec a shit bottle of wine - like, you wouldn't cook a cheap stew with it for someone you really hate who has a neurological problem that means he can't taste anything - costs the equivalent of about a tenner of British pounds, whereas as far as I can see a tenner will buy you a bottle of gin and 3 bottles of wine from the Tesco round the corner.

Z said...

I think a Barbour will fit the bill nicely, once it's got a bit worn in and not too clean.

I wonder what the biggest differences are in eight years (gosh, really?) - do you feel as if you've moved back home, or is it unexpectedly foreign in a culture-shocking way, because things aren't as you expected?

Jane said...

When I got back from long years abroad, I kept hearing English accents and saying to myself , "ooo, there's an English person", which was silly as I was now surrounded by them. Are you doing that? And, what did you think you'd missed most before you moved back, and what do you now think you missed most (if different)?

Lola said...

What about that Jeremy Corbyn geezer?
Do you think there are too many types of very similar small orange (satsuma, tangerine, clementine, easy peeler [whatever that is])?
Do British policemen need guns, because there really aren't enough people getting shot nowadays?
Christmas decoration overkill. Discuss.
Daffodils in December. What's that about?

That should do it! Welcome back.

Sophie said...

Please also consider Aigle and Chameaux for good County garments; they wear in faster and might be more comforting in the land of Rosbifs with a bit of francais about the labels ... And I bet Lady PC and the Sheikh will be wearing them, not Barbour. Especially not the awful Barbour International range, for builders' wives and Continental hookers.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Excellent comments and topicks, all, and soon things will fly out of my fingers and into this blog and I eternally thank you all. Sophie, I have acquired a second-hand Barbour of simple style, pleasingly cheap and 80s, off eBay from a woman in Sussex who is dropping it in tomorrow. I am (in the world of Christmas presents) a bear of very little pocket, so unless the Sheikh wants to lend me a few quid second hand Barbours will do us just right. On another note, I rather wish I were a builder's wife as I wouldn't have to worry about who was going to put the kitchen in, apart from anything else, and I do like a practical man. I'm sure there are perks to being a Continental hooker, too, as long as you're not the poor chilly looking ladies in the windows in Amsterdam.

Was JonnyB but is now Alex really said...

Is returning to a Britain where everybody has hipster beards, wears Christmas jumpers unironically and eats food off of slabs of slate a bit like that episode of Star Trek where Kirk was transported into a parallel universe Enterprise where everything was exactly the same except the fact that Mr Spock had a (non-hipster) beard? Or is it more like the Queen song '39, in which Brian May tells of the effect whereby time passes at a different rate when you are out in distant space?

Sophie said...

Ah, well, a pre-loved Barbour is a different matter entirely. Much better to have someone else do the hard work breaking it in and having sticky proofing goop all over them instead of the VP.
I thought you might be a Croesus Non-Working Monkey due to saving so much money on grog.
I shan't be saving money on grog until Lent, when it will not really compensate for the harsh reality of lime-and-soda on a cold dank February evening. Hah, bumhug.

Nanook no longer of the north said...

As a Canadian in the UK, I can't help but fall into the trap that has a tight hold on all Canucks, home and away: the need for external validation/to hear people from more established and internationally relevant countries say nice things about the true north strong and free. Please can you feed this deeply Canadian insecurity and tell me/us what, if anything, you'll miss about Canada? For me the list includes: reasonably-sized parking spaces, my mom and dad, basements-as-standard, Ziploc brand freezer bags, being able to have a casual friendly chat with a stranger in a queue without therefore being assumed to be mentally ill or a criminal, and dill pickles. Mostly dill pickles though. M&S did them for awhile (American-style pickled cucumbers) but they were £8 a jar and seem to have been discontinued. God I miss dill pickles. Anyway, welcome home!

Z said...

Now you're back in the Old Country, I wonder if you'd like to come to my (6th annual) blog party? Katy Newton (Everything is Electric), Anxious (Status Anxiety) and Zoe (My Boyfriend is a Twat) all plan to be there - I've met Zoe briefly, none of the others yet - amongst others and we thought of you too. I'm on the Norfolk/Suffolk border near Bungay. You and your other half would be most welcome. It's lunchtime on 16th July.

I'm real and no more peculiar than anyone, I promise.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

I would really love to - thank you - and sorry for the very late and rude reply.

Z said...

Not at all rude, the bash is still two and a half months away - and that's brilliant, I'm so pleased. WasJonnyB is also invited but may need a little further persuasion...

Z said...

You need my address, however - it's this Saturday. Hope you're still able to come?

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