Monday, September 21, 2015

Things I Think About When I Think About Moving Back To England

Yes, adoring readers and/or fans, the moment is fast approaching.  Our multiple residences are for sale.  I have resigned and now work part-time, where my days divide up in the following ways:

Also, I have a cold - or is it a dust allergy, stirred up by moving piles of stuff in cupboards that have lain untouched for 7 years?  We may never know. In the meantime, I watch the Canadian dollar become weaker by the second (something to do with OPEC and the sands), the size of the house we can afford to live in shrink to 4 square feet, and the list of urgent matters in need of resolution grow.  For e.g.:

  1. Will my friends realise - when they are forced to see me more than once a year - that I am a crashing bore? 
  2. Has Canada - The Most Reasonable And Non-judgmental Country In The World - made me boring, or was I boring all along? Will anyone tell me if I am a bore? (This was Nancy Mitford's greatest fear so I am in OK company.)
  3. Where can I get some Dutch friends? Dutch people will always tell you the truth. A Dutch friend would tell me if I were boring.   (There is much to commend the Dutch.  A passion for the truth is one thing, along with great height, cycling proficiency, magnificent art, very good taste in lighting and excellent architecture. And also bitterballen.)
  4. What am I, an "ambitious lady" with a desire to have A REALLY GOOD POP AT IT and wear businesslike spectacles before becoming an overpaid consultant, or someone who seeks a simpler life involving entire afternoons on the sofa eating Hula-Hoops and watching Escape To The Country, interspersed with the odd bit of freelance for design agencies in the smaller centres of Hertfordshire?  
  5. Where does all the dust come from?
  6. Are those clothes moths or food moths? Both are fucking arseholes, but there's an outside chance they're neither.
  7. Will the cat survive the flight over? What if the heating breaks and the pilot doesn't turn round, as he did for this bulldog the other day
  8. Is Waitrose really that good? 
  9. Is it OK to say you really like Which? magazine
  10. Is it normal to lie in bed at night and think of marketing strategy for Which? magazine? 
  11. Is it OK to want to be  marketing director of Which? magazine? 
  12. How will I sort out my gas/heating/telephone/internet/TV/bank/mobile phone? 
It is very complicated. If there is anything else I should be worrying about - or if you have any answers to my questions - I would be grateful for all the words you can cram into the comments boxes with your tiny little fingers.  (Also, I have lost the header on my web-blog which is very vexing, as it featured a beautiful drawing of me at my desk drawn by Mr Dave Shelton. Keep an eye out. If you see it, let me know.)

Pip pip!



Dave Shelton said...

I shall look for the monkey.


Dave Shelton said...

Have emailed you assorted monkeys. If there are others you need then do tell.

JonnyB said...

I'm probably coming to Montreal in the spring. It's a coincidence, honest - I'd have come even if you weren't moving.


Shelton. You are a prince. Thank you.
JonnyB. We will probably still be here, crying and thinking about Waitrose.

Monkeymother said...

A big fat NO to 9, 10 and 11.

Jane said...

If you remember an blog written in the third person about someone called Enid, that was me, and I've moved continents a few times. I too spent a lot of time on Rightmove, in my case saving saving amazing properties in difficult locations (for work - again i have a similar conflict. I want to retire and do my own thing, my husband wants me to carry on earning my overpaid consultancy rates). Most recently have become keen on Irish castles.

Anyway, if I can help with any advice I will be happy to. And if you end up near my neck of the words (near Paul McCartney's special sunshine), would love to meet for a pint.

Lola said...

I think it is highly unlikely that you are a bore, based on your non-working blog output. I look forward to hearing about what it is like to move from Canadia to Blighty, even though it is something I am never going to do. This expands my horizons while I sit on the sofa doing my blog.

p.s. I have LITERALLY no answers to any of your questions, not even the ones about Waitrose.

katie said...

8. I think the answer to this one is 'yes', but that is because I live in sodding Fife where we don't have Waitrose. We don't have John Lewis either. *Sobs*.

libby said...

Oh thank you....I happened upon your witterings again today and it has been so good. A bright spot in a day full of fuckwits. Thanks. Increase the peace.

Z said...

I want to move house, but there's nothing on RightMove that I like as much as this house, even though it's far too big. But it's fifteen miles to Waitrose. I hope your move goes well.


Jane, also known as Enid - you are too kind. I am often up your neck of the woods so the pint will be had. Of this I am certain. Also hello. Nice to see you again.

Lola - yes DO NOT move to Canada then back to the UK. Waitrose is a magical kingdom but what with the exchange rate I think that I am going to be growing my own turnips in windowboxes and living off those. Also thank you for saying I am not boring. It helps in these difficult times.

KATIE WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT JOHN LEWIS? HANG ON WAIT when I was a tiny child in Kinross-shire I have a dim memory of there being a John Lewis Partnership shop in Edinburgh. But then I did spend much of my childhood dressed in a carrot costume so I can't be relied on for the truth

Libby with this encouragement I will be spurting more nonsense forth from my tiny monkey hands. All for you.

Z I am v. happy to take on your massive house for you, 15 mile drive or not.

katie said...

It is true that there is a John Lewis in Edinburgh and also in Glasgow, so things could be much worse. I go to one of these places whenever the Dundee branch of Debenhams is just not enough.

Charlyinc said...

I was "fumped in Falkirk" once. It was 1980 and was the start of an in-car sing alongside as we careered through the lowlands of Central and Fifeshire in our Vauxhall Viva. Delighting in associating place names and the violence that could be exacted upon me there. Ahhh the 80's we were #blessed


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