Winter is coming and we hate hockey, so there is not much to do in Canada at the moment. The garden is tied down and the bushes are in their special jackets; our coats and boots are out of storage and the beaver hide in the garden lined with moose fur. All we can do now is wait for the snow.
Struggling to pass the time, we often talk about the facial features of the people of our respective countries. Recent conversations include the following incisive commentary, muttered in restaurants, on the street, or at the television when I am illegally watching British TV:
"That man has an English face. His eyes are on the same level as his nose, and his mouth is too far down. He looks like a shark."
"She's one of yours. Massive gums, like fucking massive, the size of the moon. And the eyes. Always too close together. Descendants of peasants. French ones."
"Pointy noise, sandy hair, flat hair, like all your women."
"Twatpatch. Oh sorry. Soulpatch. And over-complicated t-shirts."
"A lot of product in the hair. Looks messy but is done on purpose. Sticky."
"Why do your young women dye their hair black? Do they know it ages them?"
"See him? His ancestor from La Rochelle was a cut-price pirate."
"You British. You all have thin lips."
"See her? Typical. Looks like Red Rum. Who won the Grand National a lot."
"Tattoos, dirty ones."
"His eyes are on the side of his head, like a fish with big watery eyes."
It goes on for hours. There are only so many times I can say "look at the fucking gums on that!", and in the end the only way to really communicate what we are thinking is to do drawings for each other. I share them with you now; I think they are self-explanatory, and I hope you find them as offensive as we did. (Oh, and if you're not British, will you tell me in the comments box what you think the typical British face looks like? If you listened to my husband, you'd think we all looked like sand-coloured rats with wigs - in plaits too, judging by his drawing.)
Pip "Un-PC" Pip
NWM
12 comments:
I can often spot British people here (NZ) as I find they frequently look like potatoes. Except in the summer when they sunburn themselves silly and then they look more like tomatoes.
You are REALLY right. That is EXACTLY what I say about my own people! The other one is "grated potato head" about the people who have inbred in Hastings New Town.
Let's see - the men all look a bit like Jeremy Clarkson only with less wanky hair. The women are far more diverse. Some look like cottage loaves, not because they do really but because I read that description once in Noel Streatfield and haven't been able to shake it since. If asked to define that further I would say rather like one of the two fat ladies - I think its the Jennifer one. Those who aren't cottage-loafy are, in my mind, vaguely blondish and slenderish with longish faces OR they're entirely made of plastic, viz Jordan.
It occurs to me that non of my actual British friends who are actually British and come from Britain are anything like any of these.
My extensive research in northwestern England shows that there are distinctly regional looks. For example, the Manchester face (both male & female) is rattish, with prominent eye teeth and the roundest blue eyes imaginable. Thin lips, definitely. And Douglas Coupland once said that he looks like everyone else in Newcastle.
Good lord. You QC femme looks like every newscaster/reporter on French CBC in British Columbia, give or take the hair. You may be on to something.
COMMENTATERERS!!! This is brilliant. Please keep it coming. I am delighted with it all. Y S Lee, extra points for D. Coupland reference. And as for you dear Emma, I KNEW I WAS RIGHT. Megan, shriek, Noel Streatfield!!!
You are right about Hastings people. They come from a gene pool the size of a moth's tear.
Big moth or small moth?
I am expert in spotting Americans in the UK and Brits in the US, but that is easy due to excellent contrast in 1) clothing/hair styles and 2) shapes of speaking mouths (eh oop/awight vs awesome dude). It is more of a challenge to generalise about faces, but if pressed I would second the comment about the British potato-face. Also, there are two types of habitual-drinker face (the ruddy/rosacea one and the sallow smoker/cirrhosis one), often seen on British men. Women may be undergroomed (Pauline Fowler) or overgroomed (Jordan, as above). Roger Miller would be surprised at the general lack of rosy red cheeks on the little children (though one may see a bit more of this in the upper classes).
A moth you can only see with the aid of a magnifying glass.
Tiny.
Tiny tiny mothikins, so small, so tiny, so genetically limited.
Exactly.
They sound quite charming, don't they.
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