I am planning a trip and am not called "Faeces"

Yes, it is true. The cuminolimbus of silence has obscured the rays of joy that spurt from the sun of chitchat. Every day thousands of well-meaning people (some of them of acceptable levels of intelligence) check my web-blog. "Is today the day?", they whisper to themselves, hardly able to look. "Is it?".

The same is true of my adoring readers and/or fans, all of whom are slightly above average in many positive ways, e.g. ability to do starjumps, regularity of facial features and cleanliness of socks. "NWM?", they whisper into the silence, hands rustling in packets of honeyroast peanuts, mouths clamped around bendy straws plunged into 12oz glasses of Jenever: "Are you there?". Still there is silence. "NWM?", they murmur, sucking harder on their straws, "Are you going to write a web-blog post again?". Silence has been their only reward.

It is quite easy to explain my silence: I have just not felt like writing anything down. There are a great many things happening, but I am not overly keen on writing about "feelings" etc (although mine are fine), and the other things I would like to write about would probably threaten the long-term viability of a) some friendships; b) some possibilities of earning money in the future. I have, however, been exposed to:

1. A proper, sweaty, confused hangover that included primal screaming and cheese

2. A man telling a story that ended with the line "and I said ... is that you, Vanessa Feltz?"

3. The same man telling a story that ended with the line "As long as it's not called 'faeces' or 'Hitler', I don't care what you call it"

4. A good dinner here

5. A good breakfast here

6. And also here

7. A few conversations about how to make a machine that spurts out Pheromones

8. This bag (but red)

9. Flashdance-style dancing to "Back in Black"

10. A great many babies being born to people I know and like (and, oddly, four fast labours in a row producing gigantic babies - very odd)

11. A very real obsession with "The Real Housewives of New York City" - particularly the ghastly Alex and Simon (although obv I love Bethanny)

12. Reading many books at the same time, including this one about Harvard Business School (oddly compelling), my first ever Agatha Christie, Wolf Hall, Saturday and a cookbook by Sue Lawrence. Also FYI The Believers by Zoe Heller is ace.

13. Going "oh cock, it's really, really good, and how they're going to be really famous and I will have to pretend I don't like them" about Arcade Fire's latest long-player, The Suburbs (incidentally, Arcade Fire make more sense when you listen to them when you are driving around Canada. Do not ask me what I mean. I couldn't explain it.)

14. Watching this over and over again:

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

15. Planning a gigantic holiday trip.

Yes. The trip. It goes like this:

Montreal - London
London - Hastings (4 nights, inc trips to for e.g. Rye, Tunbridge Wells, Brighton etc)
Gatwick - Marrakech (7 nights for the wedding of my brother)
Marrakech - London
London - Inverness (on the sleeper!!! Swoon. Do they still bring you a cup of tea and a biscuit in second class?)
Inverness - Skye (3 nights)
Skye - Glasgow (1 night)
Glasgow - Lake District (1 night)
Lake District - Yorkshire (2 nights)
Yorkshire - Bedford (1 night)
London - Montreal

Now do not write and say things like "Oh but 2 days in Yorkshire is not long enough!" or "1 day in the Lake District is not long enough!" or "come to Leeds it is grate!" or "I cannot believe you are not stopping in Lincoln!!". We have people to visit and all of that. I would however be most interested in any tips and "insights" (as we in the advertising industry call "information") about:

1. What to see in Marrakech bearing in mind we are not likely to be able to travel around much;
2. If there is still a cup of tea on the Second Class sleeper when you wake up (see above)
3. What is really super duper on Skye and closely surrounding areas to see with our eyes, i.e. what would you do if you only had a morning.

Yorkshire I know. Bedford is where some people I love live, even though they would rather live in Lewes. Hastings is split into the Old Town and New Town and I of course will be staying (with my "husband") in the charming cottage of some dear friends in the Old Town, complete with view of the sea and (I am pretty certain!) organic sausages with easy reach.

Pip pip!

NWM