I have had enough hockey chitchat for the time being

It is all "Go Habs* Go" all over the place in Montreal at the moment, what with it being the hockey season in North America and all of that.   In addition, the local team (i.e., the Canadiens de Montréal) are doing OK, which means that hysteria is at an all-time high (for May).

For those of you that have never seen ice hockey being played live, it is exactly like the hockey we used to play on the grass hockey pitch at Godolphin & Latymer School c. 1982-1985, the only difference being that it is played on skates backwards by gigantic Finns going 1.23 million times faster than you do on soggy London grass. Another massive difference between hockey at Godolphin & Latymer and hockey as played by the Canadiens de Montréal is that the Canadiens de Montréal do not have me in goal trying to hide a 10-pack of Silk Cut in my sock and doing impersonations of Claire Grogan with Anna, my oldest friend, equally miscast in left back.

Anyroad up, in the pub last night - almost exactly the same as an English pub, table service, cold beer and serving ladies in short kilts aside - chitchat started about the World Cup.  Canadians all around me listed the many teams they "followed" ("I like England but also Brazil. And Portugal and ... Argentina. But not France. When I hear them shouting "allez les bleus!" in bars in Montreal, I want to slap them"), and there was a long discussion about the word "goalie"(used for hockey here; apparently they say "keeper" for soccer) which ended up with everyone being right in an authentically Canadian style.

I am not really interested in hockey. I am not really interested in football either, come to think of it (despite what this photograph  of my tiny self with a ball might suggest), but that isn't really the point. It is just that after a while, the North American insistence on referring to football as "soccer" weighs upon my English heart, because it reminds me that I am not from here.  I don't often talk about feeling homesick, partly because it's not really how I feel: the best word for what I feel a lot of the time is depaysé, which doesn't exist in English but means (and please pile in here, this is my best attempt) the sense of being somewhere foreign and feeling slightly uncomfortable and disorientated by it. (I think it literally translates as "de-countried", which in some ways sums it up quite well, but "the sense of being elsewhere" also explains it, to me at least.)  On top of and in addition to that, a great many of the things I like very much (excellent media, Bendick's Bittermints, PG Tips, my friends, family etc) are not from here either, and therefore not easy to come by at short notice should I have an urgent need for any of them.

But all this is as nothing. A small piece of football-induced yearny-feelings will not do me any lasting damage. Why? Because I  have just this very minute received an email from my brother, RunningMonkey (who is quite the singe sportif - a little joke for my French readers!!!), which may force me to reconsider my sentimental yearning for Clapham pubs full of Sloanes bellowing "come orn my saaaahn!" at the television during the World Cup. It may also force me to re-consider my instinctive rejection of any sport whose main television pundit is the gigantic preening cockmonkey that is Don Cherry, for RunningMonkey describes the difference between hockey and football thus:

Football = ladyboys, can't take a knock.
Hockey = hardmen, allowed to fight.

But I am still not decided. Harder and allowed to fight, yes. But what else must I consider if I am to transfer my non-fandom of football to non-fandom of hockey?  First of all, our respective theme tunes:

Match of the Day



The BBC website helpfully gives the following information: "Match of the Day's theme tune, called "Match of the Day", was specially composed [in 1970] for the show by Barry Stoller." 


(English viewers will enjoy the snatch of Jimmy Hill. Talking of Jimmy Hill, am I the only person that still says "Jimmy Hill had a baby!"?)


Hockey Night In Canada (with drumming from member of Rush)




In similar vein, the CBC website helpfully gives the following information: "The 'Hockey Theme' (a.k.a. 'Hockey Night in Canada Theme') was written in 1968 by Dolores Claman."

Second of all, our respective old-man pundits. First of all, here is Don Cherry in some outfits:

Now here is Des Lynham. (As you will see, I have been rigorously fair in my selection of images and/or film clips.)

Des does signings at Waterstones (i.e., is an intellectual):

Des does comedy rap without it being embarrassing (i.e. is quite funny and laughs at himself):



Des is also able to perform with monkeys (i.e., likes monkeys):




Based on Des vs. Don, it is clear that English football is much better than Canadian hockey, and I will therefore maintain the status quo by remaining a non-fan of football.  A gigantic relief for the many football teams of England, I am sure you will agree!

Pip pip!

NWM


*Habs = Canadiens, who are the hockey team of Montreal and who are doing OK at the moment. I do know why they are called the Habs but nearly 100% of you wouldn't be interested, I am sure. For the possible 00.01% of you who may be interested, here is an explanation.

NB: I do not know what team the hockey playing monkey is playing for so do not ask me. I do know that he is not playing for the Canadiens or for the team from Toronto.

P.S. If you do not like hockey, football, chitchat about homesickness and alienation etc, you may instead enjoy some photographs of the camelid family (including llamas, alpacas and vicunas), taken in Chile last year.  I was not on holiday.