Regular readers will by now be fully aware that I am married to a veterinary research histopathologist. This has its upsides (excellent carving and knife sharpening skills) and downsides (often has pig blood on face; more than usually interested in 'lesions', pus, etc). Our conversations often turn to matters 'scientific' (which does not include the incident in which I asked him if chickens hibernate).
Conversation 1
Scene: Dinner, Saturday night. We are eating Cornish hens, which are like usual chickens, but smaller and on our plates for us to carve ourselves. The pathologist is eating the leg. He pulls the leg away from the thigh. There is a white string. The pathologist holds it up to the light.
PATHOLOGIST: "See that? That is the sciatic nerve."
I am sick in my mouth.
Conversation 2
Scene: We are in bed. I am sucking NeoCitran (horse-strength) through a bendy straw and reading Barbara Vine's The Blood Doctor which is strange and, I suspect, may at some point involve human sacrifice. The PATHOLOGIST is reading The New Yorker. There is something in the book about dogs.
ME: You know dogs that've been neutered?
PATHOLOGIST: Yes.
ME: Can you get fake testicles to go in the empty pouches?
There is a long silence. The PATHOLOGIST sighs.
PATHOLOGIST: We've had this conversation before, you know.
ME: What? What? What do you MEAN, we've had this conversation before?
PATHOLOGIST: You know we have. I told you already. They're called 'neuticles', and they are very expensive.
I have no recollection of having had this conversation whatsoever.
We carry on reading. I slurp my NeoCitran. The cat coughs.
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8 comments:
"neuticles" fascinating, absolutely fascinating... the things i learn on your blog....
I am commenting from beyond the grave, because I have died of laughter. Neuticles. Neut...icles.
Is it too late for Stanley? Will his scrotum have withered too much? Neuticles shouldn't be too expensive for him as he is only a small Jack Russell (although unaware of this fact).
Please could you ask the pathologist? Can he get a trade discount? Could he do the op? I know he's usually cutting up dead animals these days, but he's still qualified to operate on the living, isn't he?
I'm intrigued. WHY are prosthetic dog testicles so expensive? Couldn't you just bung a coupla marbles in? I mean for the smaller breed. I had a large, manly (stupid) setter who would have needed... I dunno, maybe ping pong balls or something. I mean, sure they wouldn't have the same weight and all that but they might prove very entertaining when the dog is running...
save the cornish game hens!! (did you ever see Gilmore Girls?!)
It’s like a Harold Pinter script, but with more stuff about canine knackers. Ace.
I wandered over here from Private Secret Diary and how glad I am. You are hilarious. I copyedit medical manuscripts for a living and might be very at home with some of the conversations you appear to have. They also make scrotal implants for humans who have lost theirs...
Yeah, but do the human ones come in all the different size and texture options available for Neuticles(TM) ? Do they ? Do they ?
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