My loyal readers and fans will be more than aware of my ready wit, mordant turn of phrase, etc etc. Some may describe me as "hilarious", "very funny", "droll", "mildy amusing", etc. All this is fair and/or accurate.
But the truth is darker. The truth is this: there are some things I say once every few years (e.g. 3) in the hope that someone will find me as amusing as I find myself.
EXAMPLE ONE, first used c. 1987, i.e. the year before I went to university when everyone was on their "year orf".
Idiot Sloane/trustafarian with crap posh kid dreads: "So like, yah, I like, went to India to find myself".
Me: (pause in which I prepare myself for the genius about to spurt out of my mouth): "You can't have been looking very hard".
No-one laughs. I am surprised, as I think this is quite funny. I have since used this line five times. No-one ever laughs, apart from me.
EXAMPLE TWO, first used on Wednesday night; I have since tried it twice to no positive effect.
Me (flicking through ladies' magazine): If magazines worked, there would be no magazines. (I laugh for five minutes, shaking head at own genius.)
Pathologist (aka 'my husband'): Well, yes. Obviously.
Me: What do you mean, "obviously"? I think I am very clever, and also very funny! Don't you?
Pathologist: Are you stoned?
EXAMPLE THREE
I am generally pro-therapy (more than "pro", actually), but I am not pro- those people who have had therapy and then believe they are morally and intellectually superior to 'normal' people (i.e, people who have not had therapy).
Behaviour includes:
- Being a self-satisfied arse;
- Giving out advice that isn't wanted;
- Drawing hypotheses (that are wrong), then making a "really?" face when you contradict them;
- Doing the "I know what's going on here but you don't because you are not me!" face when you are talking about for e.g. your cat or a banana you once had that wasn't very nice;
- Being impertinent;
- Saying "my therapist would have an interesting point of view about that" when you do something innocuous, e.g. eat a pork pie;
- Saying "my therapist thinks..." as if it's going to cover up the fact the person in question is about to be a show-off, e.g. "my therapist thinks I am very talented";
- Doing a "wise monkey" face and looking at their drink when they are not centre of attention for 2 minutes;
- Quoting other people as if they are best mates with them, e.g. "well of course the Dalai Lama said...";
- Believing that having "been through therapy" = excuses all kinds of ghastly behaviour on the grounds that they "know themselves and aren't going to change".
I have been exposed to more than my fair share of these preening cockmonkeys over the course of my rich and fascinating life, and at some point or another they can't help but say something like this:
Arse: I know what I'm talking about, you know - I was in therapy for nearly fifteen years.
And I do not say, but wish I did (because in my head it is 'up there' with the magazine comment):
Me: You should ask for your money back.
In my head, this is the wittiest thing I have ever said, even though I have never said it!!!
Maybe things are worse than I thought, and maybe I should go on that Landmark Education weekend that all those interesting people have so earnestly recommended over the years after all. Or maybe I could stick hot needles in my eyes.
Pip pip!
NWM
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12 comments:
It's amazing, really, because I laughed at every one of those as I read them. And I think the hot needles might be less painful.
Of course, I also went to therapy in an effort to be less of a cockmonkey. I am now hoping it worked.
Blimey, I thought I was reading about ME! I say those things, even out loud, and no-one laughs. But they think I'M being a cock. Sheuw, they're mad, the lot of 'em.
And, anywya, all this being in and paying for all that therapy, for so long! Surely, this time and money could be better spent?
Perhaps you could invent a therapy course, wot people pay for, to learn how to get out of their own navel and LAUGH, (especialy at stuff you say, like we do.)
The Kaply: Therapy is usually a very good way of stopping being a cockmonkey; you are to be congratulated! (NB: I am not an 'expert' but I am very pro- the good stuff!!)
Tea & Cake: what you mean? I no understand. WHOSE time and money could be better spent? The hypothetical preening cockmonkey?
Pip pip!
oh wow, you nailed it. Exposure to the therapy doers is a whole new thing for me, my first and second up close encounters took place last week, and I have to admit I was not prepared. Before I would have argued that they can't all behave this way, but it is if you were a fly on the wall at that bar the other night. My incredulous-ness did not wear off in time for me to form any witty comebacks. Next time.
I believe most therapy doers don't talk about it, not because they're hiding it but because ... well, because they're not preening cockmonkeys like the 5% that do. (See above.)
I wonder if 5% of all people are preening cockmonkeys? Or is it only 0.005%, but Sting is such a gigantically preening cockmonkey that it makes it feel like 5%?
I think it's about 98% cockmonkeys and 2% clever simians such as yourself. Now just what is it that you have in that little pipe?
What is in my pipe dear Punxxi will remain a mystery and a sort of 'professional secret', although I must tell you that it is a) completely legal (in some countries!!) and b) easily available (in some countries!!!). In February, I am going to Amsterdam.
Oh by the way, JPM, what on earth happened? I am AGOG. (And you can try the 'You should ask for a refund' line next time -think of yourself as doing a special favour for me.)
Well have a coffee and bisquit for me in Amsterdam! Lucky you!
re: your Sting hypothesis - I do believe you are right, i.e. Sting's gigantic cockmonkeyness does skew the normally Gaussian cockmonkeyness frequency distribution to one that is clearly binomial.
I do so love the expression 'cockmonkey.' Possibly because it so aptly describes so many people I know.
Cock. Monkeys. The lot.
I think with the first one the problem is that the idiot saying they intend to find themselves in India is inherently much more hilarious than anything you could say about them.
The third one is funny and should get big laughs.
The magazine one, I confess, doesn't do it for me.
I myself have said, many times, "...and that's not a mistake I'm making for a third time!" believing it to be so amusing that anyone hearing it will be in need of surgery to rectify the damage they do to themselves from laughing so hard.
It seems I am mistaken.
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