Monday, January 18, 2010

I make use of room temperature dogs

"It's funny", I say to the pathologist as I balance a prune on the same slice of bread as a glacé cherry and a slice of pork, "the more disgusting the recipes are, the more I want to do it."

Yesterday we spoke of the Valentine Cake, an extraordinary thing made of margarine and Marie Rose sauce. What we did not speak of were the sandwiches that came before the cake.

There is little to do or say, other than to show you a picture of the final work and to share the pathologist's live sandwich-by-sandwich commentary. I didn't make 16 sandwiches, and I didn't make all the ones pictured on the recipe card; there were some recipes on the back of the card that weren't in the picture but so good that I had to do them (e.g. spaghetti in curried mayonnaise).

If you want to follow along, start top left, go down, then start at the top of the next row. (NB: I sit at the table with my laptop and transcribe the pathologist's reactions word-for-word. No editing, no nothing.)

Danish Open Sandwiches

Sliced egg and tomato

“Is there anything on the bread? Tomato and egg sandwich. What is there to say?”

Frankfurters and potato salad with mustard mayonnaise, crispy bacon and onion rings

“It’s definitely not small enough for a canapé… you’re just stuffing it in your mouth so you can’t be standing around chatting in a distinguished Danish style. You’re just trying to make sure it doesn’t end up on the floor. It was nice that one though. It had bacon in it.”

Diced chicken and mushroom in mayonnaise with cucumber and tomato.

“So artfully prepared… you couldn’t have this at the ambassador’s reception. Unless it’s the Albanian ambassador.  Chicken, cucumber. What’s not to like? So delicate.  [Stares at cake.] I’m just so fascinated by the cake. Is it made out of sugar?”

Cold meat with horseradish, prunes and orange

“That was just weird.  I got a big bite of orange peel.”

Chicken with gherkins and tomato

“Looks like a bunch of little eels.  Let’s see what we do can do with that.  That little baby eel family.  Chomp chomp.  I think it’s good.  It dilutes the pickle.  The bread and chicken.  Mixes it all up and makes it more palatable.  I approve of this one .”

Pork, pineapple rings, cherries and bacon

“I don’t know. Reminds me of going to a friend’s house and eating ham with pineapple on it. Which is not a happy experience. Who comes up with ideas like that I wonder? Danes? Did they have like scurvy problems, the Danes?”

Cooked spaghetti in curried mayonnaise garnished with herrings, a slice of egg and cress
 (Note: I drew the line at herrings.)

“Now this makes no sense at all. I can tell from just looking at it. A spaghetti sandwich? It’s like, what the fuck? It’s not delicious. There’s a big chunk of butter so that helped. I think she was running out of combination possibilities at that point. She was getting desperate. You can smell the desperation in this combination.”

Sliced ham, mayonnaise and mixed vegetables

“Again, the butter is the only saving grace.”

Cooked sausage and onion rings

“I could go for that being Danish. Raw onions and frankfurters. I know nothing of the Danes, but in my mind that’s what they eat all day. Gives them strengths to put umlauts over their vowels. Or crosses over their Os. Slashes. They do that. I’ve seen them do it. This is delicious. It’s like a hotdog. Well a cold dog. A room temperature dog.”

Smoked pork, cheese, tomato and parsley

“This is more civilized.  Parsley is the um … makes a repeat performance throughout the evening.  Do you remember the days when all you had to do to show a bit of class was to have a bit of parsley? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re too young. Nowadays it just means that you’re a family restaurant in the suburbs, but back in the 60s I’m sure it was the height of sophistication. Especially in Denmark.”

Cold beef with mustard mayonnaise, horseradish, tomato and onion

“I like that. I might even close it. Now this feels like an actual sandwich. Not a travesty of one. Why do you think they did open sandwiches like that? Is it because they were running out of bread?”

Ham stuffed with diced vegetables with mayonnaise, pineapple and cherry.

“Well. We’re down to the last one and it looks like a doozy. Fucking hell. So basically you use whatever’s left. It’s like all the foodgroups in a mouthful. It’s very bad. It’s terrible. Fruit, vegetable, meat and mayonnaise in the same mouth? It’s just wrong.  It’s just a crime against nature.  To hell with those Danes, I say.”

Coming soon: something to do with fish and fruit.


Mrs.B said...

At this rate you will both waste away. Try some 1970's Delia instead.

LutraLutra said...

To be honest, I’d be happy to eat all of those, now, in one go. Possibly because I have a thing for ‘finger food’ (gag), and possibly because I might be slightly odd. Yum.

Katy Newton said...

Christ no don't mention Delia not unless you want a big monkey BITE in your ARM.

I really did laugh out loud when I saw the spaghetti one. An open spaghetti, herring and egg sandwich with curried mayonnaise. I have never seen anything like that before.

Baron d'Ormesan said...

La belle Marguerite clearly never heard Escoffier say "Faites simple". I doubt that any real Dane came anywhere near these recipes; there used to be a Danish Food Centre in Knightsbridge, one of the peaks of culinary sophistication in 60s London, so perhaps she just thought calling these Danish would add a bit of class to throwing a few left-overs onto some pieces of bread. Certainly the last Albanian ambassador's reception I went to (admittedly some years ago, but post-Hoxha) had much better nibbles: just bits of fish, cheese or meat on small pieces of bread.

punxxi said...

No anchovies? Those Danes have no taste whatsoever! I'm surprised there wasn't lutefisk on the spaghetti one...

Beleaguered Squirrel said...

Your S.O is a very funny man. He has a way with words and I am loving the fact that your ordered him to become your husband in your comments all those many years ago.

Those sandwiches are several lots of fun.

Mrs.B said...

Thanks for the tip Katy...but I offer up Delia as the Insufferable in exchange for the inedible. Marguerite is a national treasure but these recipes were clearly part of her difficult second album phase.


No, Katy's right. I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than anything from Delia.

Mrs.B said...

She speaks very highly of braille for the hard of understanding.

Tracy Lynn said...

I think your husband's mutant super power is an iron stomach.

monkeymother said...

I am quite disturbed to see the Google Ads on your site are for "Cook n'Share" (Discover and share the best of international cuisine) and someone flogging bacon.

I think you've done enough sharing of international cuisine, don't you?


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