"It's a kind of magic!", says the homeopathic naturopath who, apparently, was a real doctor in France, but is not allowed to practice in Quebec. She is asking me many questions about for e.g. my favourite colour and whether I prefer salty things to sweet things, reading them out of a gigantic book that looks not unlike the 1987 edition of Linda Goodman's Love Signs. I am there because someone I work with who I like very much said I should go. I did not realise the 'doctor' was a homeopath until it was too late to elegantly cancel the appointment, and so I decide to keep an open mind and see if there is something to take away from the experience other than leaflets about Reiki.
She is very nice and I very much enjoy talking to her but it is absolute bobbins, what she is saying. I am determined to be honest, so I sit back in my chair and say with my mouth: "I do not believe in homeopathy!".
She starts laughing. "It is only in North America that homeopathy is not recognised", she says, drawing on a piece of paper and rolling her eyes. "They have done many wonderful things in North America, but they are not always right." I do not press her to define 'recognised', and watch instead as she rummages through her book of Magic. Yes, I do prefer harmony to conflict, and no, I am not constipated.
She does not ask me why I do not believe in homeopathy, and starts to write my prescription which will, if I understand my fellow doctor-visitors correctly, cost in the region of $1,000,000. I have no idea what she is prescribing, and she does not explain, so I say something else. "I don't believe in homeopathy because there is no evidence that it works, beyond the placebo effect, and more to the point, it just doesn't make any sense. Water doesn't have a memory, for starters". She smiles and keeps writing.
"Drink lemon in the morning, with hot water", she says. "It will help with the acidity." "Is that a good idea?", I say. "Lemon juice gives me sort of ... heartburn. Burny acid. In my stomach. And it hurts. So how can it help with acidity?" It is at this point that the alleged doctor delivers the fact that proves to me, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that 'alternative medicine' should be banished.
"Don't worry. Lemon has a false acidity. In other words, it tastes acidic, but it is not. It will neutralise the acid in your stomach."
With that, she gives me a bill for $100, which will - I am astonished to tell you - be paid by my medical insurance. "But you will see I have put it down as a naturopathic consultation, not a homeopathic one; as I say, they do not believe in homeopathy in North America."
I come home and watch this and feel very much better.
9 comments:
But have you drunk the lemon?
And are you doubled over in pain?
I certainly hope not.
My grandfather used to start every day with a glass of hot water and my mother began with a glass of hot water with an oz or so of orange juice. Supposed to be good for the digestion or someting. I dunno.
By an almost homeopathic coincidence, my favourite debunker Dr Ben Goldacre has written about homeopathy today (The nocebo effect). He is wonderful, and I would like to give him a medal or a bunch of flowers or something like that.
I love him - have written about him before and couldn't agree with you more. His thing on homeopathy from a while ago is genius but thank you for this; I shall read it forthwith.
For years I had terrible hayfever until a friend suggested I tried homeopathy. After two weeks of taking a combination of homeopathic remedies specifically tailored to my needs, I found my hayfever was in fact just as bad.
This realisation that homeopathy is genuinely a load of steaming codswank prompted me to finally talk to the nice pharmacist in my local Boots. Mrs Pharmacist gave me a different type of antihistamine and suggested I hoover my bedroom carpet every other day to keep the pollen levels down.
And do you know what? It worked! Conclusive proof that homeopathy can embarrass even the most sensible person into talking scientifically proven action. Take that, naysayers!
LutraLutra, I salute you.
I came here (from my RSS reader) to link to the excellent Bad Science column. But I've been beaten to it. Your readers have good taste.
I thank you Dr Dan. My readers have good taste, and so do I (is this a suprise? Surely not) - as you will see, I have linked to the great Dr Goldacre before and I worship him in all the ways.
I have actual illnesses, and whenever someone pitches that bollocks about homeopathy and rot at me, I offer to kick them in the head and light them on fire. For a fee, of course.
Mind you, is anything more bollocks than kinesiology or reiki? My mother visited a kinesiologist who convinced her of allergies to numerous foods, just by touching her. She was able to find weaknesses in various parts of her body and sell supplements to overcome them. She failed to notice the terminal cancer, but then nobody's perfect, I suppose.
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