I have just composed this letter to our neighbours. It is cowardly, but I have no choice, other than taking archery lessons and remaining open to being imprisoned for animal cruelty.
Dear Neighbours
I am sure you know that your dogs are noisy. After all, you have to live with them. But that is your choice. It is not our choice to live with them, and yet somehow we feel that we do.
For about $5 you can buy a water pistol (Toys R Us is good, but you may be lucky at Loblaws). With that water pistol, you can train your dogs to stop barking so that we can get some sleep after 10pm and/or sleep past 6.30am in the morning.
This is how you do it:
1. Put water in the water pistol.
2. When the dog barks (but is NOT looking at you), squirt him/her with water.
3. Repeat until the dog(s) figure out that when they bark, bad shit happens.
You may have to do this for a couple of weeks before they get the message, but it’ll be worth it (for the entire street) if you do figure it out.
If you don’t want to spend $5 on a water pistol, the recycling goes out on Monday night. I’m sure you can maybe get a used washing up liquid bottle from someone’s box and use that.
A Neighbour
It is a sure sign that I am 40, which I am; other signs include:
- arthritis medicine and indigestion tablets in the bathroom cupboard
- aching joints
- going 'aaaah' when I sit down
- thinking young people are idiots
- thinking I should get a pension
- doing embroidery
- knitting
- making jam, bread, etc
- actually enjoying Oprah magazine (whilst remaining healthily British about the whole thing)
- waiting 'until we've got the money to do it properly'
- not seeing the point of holidays involving rucksacks
- tutting at the neighbours
- ordering M&S tights online from England
- starting to read murder mystery books (does Kate Atkinson count? And someone gave me a Barbara Vine that looks tempting)
Hoorah! I'm going for a little nap.
Zzzzzz.
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15 comments:
i think i am old too. my hips hurt when i wake up and sometimes randomly during the day forcing me to prematurely adopt the old lady hobble.
i also think young people are idiots, but that's because they are idiots. duh!
i am taking up jam making and might return to the furious bread-making i practiced in my twenties.
i gave up embroidery when i finished high school, but i am anachronistic like that.
mainly, i just like my comfort and am far less willing to drink shitty wine (although, please don't get me wrong, i will still drink it if it's free).
but i sure love an excuse for crotchetiness - i am old, damnit. piss off!
I hate getting old. And, why did no-one tell me about the chin hair, huh? I have to shave - before my afternoon nap. Which is alright if you are a monkey, married or not.
No, I'm not grumpy at all ... who said that?
I'm 40 and I still quite like holidays with rucksacks. In fact I spent last weekend rucksack shopping for super special rucksacks you can take half a moose in if you like (with AirVenting and Wicking and TechnologicallyAdvantaged Padding and things). Of course I didn't buy one as I'm waiting until I have the money to do it properly...
I've been knitting since high school so am not sure that's a sign of anything except good taste, really. Also, Kate Atkinson doesn't count. Nope. Not as an I-am-old sign anyway.
i think if you spell "neighbor" with a U they will definitely know it is you.
I can relate - we have a dog several houses down who is left outsdie at bizarre hours. He is right next to the park, and gets over-excited and barks every time anyone walks past. Which happens approx every 2-3 minutes.
Canadians spell it "neighbour" as well. We use all of the "U"s that the Brits do.
Yes, including the 'u' in 'neighbour,' AKA 'spelling it properly,' is a good way to disguise oneself as a Canadian.
Also, vital to the Canuck disguise, is the adoption of a passive-aggressive, please-excuse-me-for-being-bothered-by-your-crapness attitude towards neighbours who are... well... crap... expressed through the anonymous cease-and-desist letter, slipped surrepticiously through the letter slot in the dead of night.
Don't shoot the dogs. Shoot the neighbours. The dogs could probably still be trained.
Also: I meant to comment on the aging thing but forgot by the time I had finished the neighbour portion of my previous comment.
Which is a sign of being even older than forty. TEH MENTALPAUSE. IT HAZ MY BRAINZ.
oh yes, re old, and agree fully. See also deciding that rain is a reason not to go out.
Am 36. Waaah!
Welcome, Hilary, to the finest blog in the world. And yes, I agree. Even a light drizzle. Ace.
Does that work, Singe? Why only when the dog isn't looking at you? So that it doesn't grow to hate and fear you, presumably. If you care about such things and I am far from sure that I do.
Do you have Barbara Woodhouse style tips for a hypothetical person with a hypothetical dog who barks fixedly when it wants them to throw a ball? Or what about if the hypothetical person wants its chair back from the hypothetical dog?
Thank you.
1. If it sees no human hand in this (I would use a bucket from a great height), dog believes God is pissing on him (or so they say in the books).
2. Only throw ball when dog does not bark.
3. Tip chair up so dog falls on floor.
or move
Thank you monkeymother, that is most helpful. Not only that, but I will positively enjoy tipping the dog out of his - no! my! - chair.
I have been trying #2 at length and with no success. I must conclude that dog is very very stupid indeed. I imagine his tiny brain generating a thought like "why are you frowning at me? pick up the ball and throw it" but all I hear is "yip yip yip send me to the dog's home".
Sorry singe, I have turned your comments box into a bad dog blog. You can be like Cesar Milan, but obviously more ravishingly attractive.
My lack of complaint about my old and crotchedy neighbors' dogs barking at odd hours allows me to play loud music and burn large fires in my back yard at odd hours without complaint from the aforementioned aged ones.
Never underestimate the power of tolerance.
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