I make some comparisons

I have a friend visiting from London! It is quite the thing. We go to a cabane à sucre and drink pints of maple syrup straight from the bottle whilst gnawing on meat pie and fisting beans into our mouths; we slide backwards dowhill on the ice; we play directionless charades in a log cabin, and we drive across an ice bridge:

















But whilst we are enjoying the many and manifold delights of Canadia, something becomes apparent, and it is this: all the small things I notice about what is different here are exactly the same things that my visitor notices! It is great. It is possibly because she is from England, and so am I.

Toothmugs

When I am rinsing out my mouth after brushing my teeth, I spit the water in the basin and then sup like a hungry gnu from the tap.

I do not own a toothmug. If there is a cup/receptacle by the sink, it is for the placement of toothbrushes. (3-piece bathroom sets are beyond the pale to my mind, although quite normal here, even amongst people who have been to school.)

Friend (upon entering bathroom): Ha ha ha! A toothmug!
Me: I know!
(We hoot with laughter.)
Canadian: This is funnier than drinking straight out of the tap?

Note: I suspect this might be something to do with English snobbery - the type that leads us to think that things like double glazing, fitted carpets (or indeed anything comfortable) is slightly vulgar.

Duvets vs. comforters

In my land, which is England, the duvet exists so that you do not need multiple sheets, blankies etc. Here it is usual to call it a 'comforter' and you put a sheet underneath said 'comforter' so you don't have to wash the 'comforter cover'.

I am enraged by this! The whole fucking point of duvets (or "contintental quilts", as I believe some people still call them!!), is to get rid of sheets and blankies in the style of old person's houses and wash the 'duvet cover' as one would a sheet, etc. And I am enraged mainly because I hate this spare sheet with all my being; I get tangled it in and it makes me angry like this: grrr.

Gigantic hobs/stove tops

Electric rings mainly, with about a foot of space between each ring that serves no purpose (other than giving you more room to put things). "My God, it's so ... NORTH AMERICAN!", exclaims my guest. And she's right: they're just big, like everything is, possibly because there's so much spare space to chuck around on for e.g. gigantic hobs and ice rinks.

Top loading washing machines

"Weird. I hate those. They break your bras". Yes, exactly.

Washing up liquid dispensers

... in a sort of unit with a little thing that holds your sponge. Rubbish, hard to fill, squirt their washing-uppy jizz all down their own sides, get clogged up, provide ample opportunity for sponge thing to breed bubonic plague-type diseases and are almost everywhere in Canada, like hockey, Tim Hortons, healthy people, clean air and 3 litre bottles of Maple Syrup.

Update!!! Elizabeth of British Columbia writes: "I just can't picture this. Can you provide a photograph?" Yes, Elizabeth. I can. Here it is:











But this is just the beginning!! Coming soon: why there are no number plates on the front of cars, and why Canadian ads all feature a combination of the following:

1. Jingly jangly acoustic music;
2. Astonishingly patronising voiceover supplied by one of the four voiceover artists working in Canada today;
3. Women in the kitchen offering up 'meal solutions' to their ungrateful families.

It is very strange.

Pip pip!