Day 658: I Have Been Tagged

... and thank the sweet Lord for that, for I am - in the most general of senses - entirely at a loss.

The 'tag' was done (made?) by Miss Baroque, whose web-blog you should read, as she is a) clever; b) interesting; c) nice; d) "wicked bad", as I believe the young people say.

OK here goes!! It is quite a good one. I must "write six random things" about myself, which will be easy as I am entirely random, from the top of my jaunty fez, to the tips of my tiny monkey toes.

1. I Really Like Gin

Every evening, now I live in Canada, I like to remind myself of my British imperialist supremacy by drinking gin and tonic, listening to Elgar at top volume and shouting "Oi, You! Colonial!", at the neighbours. It is quite brilliant.

The gin (Tanqueray) and tonic (Schweppes by preference; Canada Dry* at a push), is made every evening around 6.32pm, and a plate of 'small snacks' is crafted, roughly hewn from a packet of dried ham and some carrots, sprinkled with a light dusting of salted almonds and featuring - occasionally, if we are feeling frisky! - a 'croute' of rabbit paste. Le tout is crammed down our gaping mouths in under ten minutes, at which point we are then 'ready and willing' for dinner. It is great.

The gin and tonic is more than just a way of getting vast amounts of alcohol and salt into my greedy monkey face. Oh no. It marks the end of the work day (feat. Fucking Idiots - see point 2), and the beginning of the evening (feat. Canadian cinema - see point 3), and as a result has acquired a symbolic significance all of its own.

2. I Really Hate Fucking Idiots

You can spot a fucking idiot by checking if the person you are with:

- isn't shitting listening
- talks over you
- doesn't look you in the eye
- repeats what you've just said like they made it up themselves and are clever
- makes ill-informed comments and then looks triumphant
- attempts to manipulate/charm you
- challenges everything for the sake of it
- does not realise you have the mind of a killer.

3. I Am Not Convinced By Canadian Cinema

No, but really. Canadian cinema? Come on. Give it your best shot. I've tried this before, but it didn't work. I had to sit through I've Heard The Mermaids Singing when I first met the French Canadian veterinary research pathologist and was pretending to be interested in everything to do with Canada, but I have since wrought my revenge by making him sit through The Vicar Of Dibley Christmas Special.

4. I Am A Bit Homesick

I am. I am not coming back, and I do not want to live in Britain at the moment, but that does not mean that I don't miss a great many things about it, and wish I could visit more often. It makes me immeasurably sad, but what was making me sadder was pretending everything was OK. (In fact, this should probably be titled "Say If You Are Feeling Shit; You Will Feel Better And The World Will Not Fall In").

5. I Am In Love

It is grate!!! It is also the thing that makes (4) acceptable. It is quite surprising, and it happened when I had given up rather on chaps. For the ladies in their early 30s who have 'given up': do give up! Do! Go and do something more interesting than pretend you are not waiting for a chap and worrying about your ovaries and all of that.

Go and wander about the place being jolly and happy in your own shoes. Then, when you are not expecting it (i.e. aged nearly-37 in Canterbury), you will meet someone splendid who will make you glad all all the other ones didn't work out, particularly the vegan twat with the teeth.

6. I Am Soppier Than You Would Think

See (5) above. Also I am always tearing up!!! It is quite annoying. Circumstances include:

- I see dignified old men buying food for one in supermarkets (esp. liver)
- Certain bits of music, e.g. 'Never Forget" by Take That
- Thinking of people I like being really great, e.g. Sebastian Coe being made a 'Lord' and Jeffrey Archer writing another book
- Successfully shoplifting lipglosses
- Seeing Mariah Carey's new bikini body, etc
- Go to the cinema. I was in spurting floods at The Band's Visit and wept hotly in Odette Toulemonde. (That last one was actually true in a way that the Archer comment was not.)

OK here are the rules - as now I must tag other people!

1. Link to the person that tagged you - i.e. me.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself in a blog post.
4. Tag six people of your own.
5. Let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Here are the people I am tagging. (Sorry everyone.)

Dave Shelton
Katy
Tired "I've Retired, Apparently" Dad

That's 3. Anyone else want to do it?

In the meantime, here's another:

7. I Am Greeted By The Hotel Receptionist

"Welcome home", he cries. What am I to make of that?! It is true I am here every week, but still!


* "Canada's Ambassador To The World", or so says the can - come on Canada; is that the best you can do?