It is pleasant, this life; soon enough I will be wearing 'power suits' and using a mobile telephone; my 'partner' will look at me with his eyes of liquid green and ask, in a tiny voice, if I am in fact married to my work. Then we will fight and there will be hitting with for e.g. knitted Pierre Trudeau ragdolls, or a seven-pack of Hula-Hoops sent in an emergency parcel from London.
Regular readers will be aware that one of the results of all this 'free time' is the opportunity I have had to think about biscuits*. Indeed, a cursory glance at the comments on my last post will reveal how my many legions of adoring readers have 'risen to the challenge', as it were, by providing a sheaf of comments rich in recipes, clarification, irrelevance, pomposity, recommendations**, presumption, kindness and fuckwittery.
It is all quite good, this biscuit-chat, but it is not enough to fill up all of my time. I have, as a result, decided to test out some customer service departments. Here is the result of my survey:
Harrods
Harrods is only good if you do not live in London. If you live in London you know for a fact that it is full of tourists and ghastly people with new money buying golden taps, busts of Lady "Princess of Hearts" Di and portaits on velvet of Mohammed Al-Fayed.
On the other hand, Harrods is good for presents for people in other countries, especially if they like tea and biscuits and are over 50.
Summary of email of complaint: Price labels, when removed from products, rip off half the packaging, making the present look pikey.
Reaction from Harrods: Full refund, no questions asked.
Mark: One email was ignored for five days. An email to the press department resulted in an almost-immediate response. Had the original knobbers not ignored my email, I would have given Harrods 10/10. As it is, they get 8/10.
Jigsaw
It is OK for the high street but good for jerseys if you look like me (i.e. really beautiful, in a somewhat simian style). I like their jerseys and buy many. They are good for cold places, e.g. Canada where I now live.
Summary of email of complaint: Your jersey that I bought started pilling within three hours. I am sad. Very sad. So sad. It is rubbish.
Reaction from Jigsaw: Oh gosh, yah, awfully sorry. Am off on maternity leave on, like, Friday, but send me the serial number, yah? And if you want to send it back, we'll give you, like, a refund. Yah?
Mark: Quite quick and nice and that but a bit fucking wet. Also I said I wasn't going to send it back as live in Canada etc and can't be bothered with posting and all of that. 6/10 for Sloaniness; would have been 4/10, but she knew how to spell.
Novotel
Do not laugh!!! I was there on Saturday in Ottawa and it was really good despite smelling a bit like a hospital. (And I mean good for not much money, but we were only going to lie down there in between drinking three-litre glasses of beer and picking federally-correct bilingual fights with the locals.) I left my boots there.
Summary of telephone call: Hello. I left my boots in room 624.
Response: I am not at my desk. I will call you back in a second. (Calls back in 2 minutes.) Yes I have them. I will send them back to you tomorrow. What is your address? Let me check that. Thank you very much for choosing Novotel.
Mark: 10/10. Fucking astounding. If in the Britain they would ask you for a postal order to cover the postage and/or steal the boots to sell for fags.
Europe's Best
Let me explain for the sake of non-Canadian residents: Europe's Best is a brand of frozen food products. They advertise a lot here. They have large amounts of space in the 'chiller cabinets'. They really get on my tits as I think their name is stupid and thy are always on the telly going: yeah our fruit 'n' veg is really great, when it probably isn't.
I assumed a pseudonym, and wrote to them.
I am still in correspondence with Europe's Best, who seem to think that the offer of a 'voucher' will distract me from the fact that they told me (in their letter) that some of their produce is grown in Peru and Mexico - neither of which are in Europe!! Do they think I am stupid or something? I jolly well hope not!!!
But all this is as nothing, for on Saturday we nearly died. I will not go into detail, but suffice to say that the following 'image' captures - in some small way - the horror we had to endure.
When I have recovered from the shock, I will try and find the energy to write a little on what England seems like when you don't live there any more. In the meantime, I shall eat my imported oatcakes and stare, wide-eyed with horror, at Coronation Street on the CBC. Apparently Leanne is now a lady of the night!
Pip pip
NWM
* I bought to gingerbread persons from a shop in Ottawa. I ate half the lady and the head of the man and then threw them away. They were rubbish.
* Should anyone wish to send me either Prince Charles' ginger and chocolate biscuits, or the Fortnum and Mason ginger and chili biscuits, I am more than happy to furnish you with my postal address. Suffice to say the first line is "Chez Monkey"!
26 comments:
Jeez, you could warn a gal that she's going to guffaw in a most unladylike manner.
I'm impressed that not only did you get the photo, but that it's in focus. Stupendous.
You can get Chuck's biscuits at Les Douceurs at Atwater Market.
Is that a camel, many camels, or a many-headed camel? How extraordinary!
Maybe it's a horse, or a mutant horse-dog?
Please explain!
I would love to hear what you think about England now that you're living in Canadia - are you officially an ex-pat? I really hate that word, it makes me think of chavvy people living on the Costa del Retirement-Fund.
Those cows look cute! I love their eye-lashes. Sorry if that makes me weird, or something. xx
Jamaica Ginger Cake freely available in Canadia then?
I recognise that one on the left. She doesn't drink in Windsor does she?
Wait - Peru isn't in Europe? I'm quite sure you're wrong there. Look, the world is round, right? And round over here there's America, with all those important states like Mexico and Washington and stuff and round the other side there's Europe where all those little countries are like Peru and Manchester. It's very easy. I think Canada is somewhere in America. Probably next to Rhode Island. I hear there's lots of room there because it's so small.
Most of Europes veggies are imported anyway so I wonder what we're 'best' at in that department.
I do like the cows though (I rather excitedly thought they might be moose or reindeer at first).
As usual, you are your usual funny self and that is very refreshing. I don't comment very often, but I read you every day and I am always amused. Your life has become very interesting since you have been in Canada.
Where's MY overfriendly elk?
Since you moved to the Canada you never buy me big mammals anymore. It's like we're strangers.
Thank you dear Irene; what a nice comment. (Did everyone else get that? Yes. Even raddled old divvers like it when people say nice things.)
Asta dear - top tip. Or that shop in Jean-Talon on the corner that sells mainly mustard.
As to the rest of you: I will be offering a REAL PRIZE to the FIRST PERSON WHO ACCURATELY IDENTIFIES THE ANIMALS(S) IN THE PICTURE.
Clues:
1. they are not cows.
2. they are not camels, moose or armadillo
3. I was in North America, or in Quebec (to be precise)
4. they are on occasion tame enough to ask for carrots through your car window
5. they are fucking enormous and you would not want to get in a fight with one.
I am serious about the real prize. It will be a Canadian item of a street value of no more than $5, and will be despatched within 24 hours of the winner correctly identifying the animal.
NB: I was with a veterinary research pathologist who has about 103 degrees and knows quite a lot about animals. He will be confirming that the species has been correctly identified.
Philip - no. Feel free to send it. If the customs laws allow. Bastards held back my Hula-Hoops for three months.
Are they llamas?
Alpacas?
A llama and an alpaca?
(I don't know the difference between the two. Maybe they're the same thing, like courgette and zucchini?)
Mother-in-law? When did you get married?
They are caribou.
Toodle-oo!
I am not married. "Mother-in-law" is merely a more elegant way of saying "the mother of the person with whom I live and that who is a man; a man who I am loath to describe as my 'partner', for the expression makes me want to vomit down my front".
Also, they are not caribou. Bloody good guess though. I am tempted to send you a small prize, although so far Katy's answer got "hmm, not bad" from the veterinary pathologist so she's 2nd. 1st will be the person who says, "oh for God's sake, they're X (where X = correct name of animal)"
As you all were!
The answer is really obvious!!! Really it is.
I am quite surprised that everyone is more interested in the not-elks than they are in my hilariously ironic letter to Europe's Best. Is it just me? I think it is!! (Just me that finds it funny, that is.)
I enjoyed your email immensely, but the not-elks clearly have soft and woffly noses. I have no IDEA what they are but I want one.
Katy is is OK because you have WON after all. The animals with the big noses are Wapiti, which are also (American) ELKS, which are also (bull) ELKS.
I will send you a prize. Please email me your (real) address. It is really good, the prize, and you will REALLY LIKE IT. I will make sure of it when I buy it from Canadian Tire for you today, 2 for the price of 3.
Lazlo Toth
Joesph Sedula
Robin Cooper and now NWM
There must be another book for the genre there was for Robin and nearly for Joe.
Now off to buy some Ginger Cake - remember the end pieces?
The slices most highly prized?
I think so!
DO NOT FORGET HENRY ROOT! Also, I have chosen a speciality, which is writing in about ads, e.g. "... and so presumably, if I buy a razor as seen in your recent advertisement, it too will start moving its blade-lips?"
Etc. Also this hobby will stop when I get my work permit, which could be any second now.
I've always been able to spot an elk even if it is masquerading as a Wapiti.
Do I get two elk for the price of three? I'll need to clear out the spare room.
THE PRIZE IS FROM CANADIAIAN TIRE??? If I'd known that, I would have guessed harder.
*sulks*
*Also apologizes for the MIL inquiry but thought perhaps you'd tied the knot when you went across TEH POND.*
Also, "Oh for God's sake, they're elk!"
I think I just won on a technicality.
When I got tired of saying "beautifulmonkey's parents", or "runningmonkey's partner's parents", and as RM understandably balked at "In-laws", I referred to them as the Out-laws.
Now if I could just find a suitably elegant alternative to partner, as girlfriend seems, well, too girly, I should be thrilled. Only original suggestions will be considered and, therefore, no chance of 'significant other', thank God.
Lordy - I think they're llamas too, but I'm more concerned about Corrie. If you're only just on 'Leanne being a prossie', I can't tell you what happens to Vera tonight! How will you be able to wait all the weeks before you catch up and not know...Yikes!
1. They are elks.
2. If I haven't been following Coronation Street for a year or so (which I haven't), it doesn't matter where I am in the story, does it? I have the 'Vera reveal' to look forward to!
Thank you for your attention.
Monkeymother - Lady Outlaw, if only talking about the lady half of the people in question?
1. They are elks.
2. If I haven't been following Coronation Street for a year or so (which I haven't), it doesn't matter where I am in the story, does it? I have the 'Vera reveal' to look forward to!
Thank you for your attention.
Monkeymother - Lady Outlaw, if only talking about the lady half of the people in question?
Oh Lord, that makes LOL which is unbearable in any meaning. Unless you pronounce it loll - does she?
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