The television in my Toronto hotel room is stuck on Dancing With The Stars. Across the screen skitter a woman who used to be a 'Spicy Girl' and the sister of Donny Osmond; both are dancing to "My Heart Will Go On", which is being sung live by Céline Dion. I ignore them and continue scratch confusedly at the thing that you hang from your door that brings toast, as long as you hang it on your knob (not that kind!!!) before 2am. HOW ABOUT BREAKFAST IN BED? it demands imperiously. This seems preferable to sitting in the Hall of Breakfast with over 300 salesmen from Winnipeg, and so I scratch on.
But I am confused. It has words on it that look like English and claim to be items on the 'Breakfast Menu'; for only $16.00 I can have some Wholewheat Toast and some Birchermuesli; for another $6 dollars, I can have eggs 'over easy' or 'sunny side up' accompanied by 'Peameal bacon' and some 'home fried potatoes'. I do not know what these things are, but I am sure I would rather have them than 'Tundra's breakfast quesadilla'. It has chorizo sausage in it and is 'topped with sour cream and salsa' and does not sound like breakfast at all.
But all this is as nothing, for I have a free rubber duck and the sure knowledge that by the time I get home, the next set of application forms will have arrived from the Québec Immigration Service.
There will be some more things I need to do to qualify for residency of Canada's finest province* in addition to and on top of the work I have already completed (on Québec Culture and Tradition). This has included:
1. Demonstrating that I own three Céline Dion albums, and know the lyrics to at least two French language tracks;
2. Referring to Céline Dion as "Céline" as naturally as I would refer to Sting as a "preening cockmonkey";
3. Proving that I have seen at least three Cirque du Soleil shows;
4. Accurately translating the terms "mon chum" and "ma blonde"; saying "c'est le fun!" three times in the same sentence;
5. Effective wearing of combat trousers;
6. Ability to identify the items contained in each of the following picture clues:
I will not be able to sleep for the suspense!
* If you are French-Canadian. I cannot speak for the other provinces, but I must say Ontario seems awfully nice, from what I've seen.
14 comments:
* shhh* If you aspire to the name Quebecoise, you must never ever, even for a second, let on that Ontario can even come up to Quebec's knees.
I will never get the title myself because I can't even say that beaky touring singer's name without choking.
I'm disqualified myself from the quiz.
good lord... "I've"
Poutine!
The household Ontarian was only saying how much he missed those this weekend.
PS When I told him about your last post, as soon as I said "-6" he say "how's she going to manage when it's winter, eh?" :o)
oh yum home-fried potatoes. yum. hope you got those.
i think Cirque Eloize is vastly superior to Cirque de Soleil. check it out. they're based right there in Montreal.
and i learned a long time ago that room service breakfast is a necessary perk for traveling.
Oh good lord! I must cross Qu-eacute-bec off my list of places what wouldn't chuck me out. I cannot with confidence identify ANY of those photo clues, and can only guess at about half (does it count as half if most of the guesses are "hockey! Or something to do with hockey!"?). Also I'm afraid that except for some interminable song that had very thin people with large noses wafting about in formal nightwear and... I think... motorcycles speeding unconvincingly through drafty corridors (and Meatloaf? Am I making it up about Meatloaf?) I don't know a single C-eacute-line Dion song. Maybe if I show them the Cabela's catalogue that was delivered to me by accident they would allow me to visit now and then?
Surely you also have to demonstrate an ability to singalong with the Barenaked Ladies? Standards must be slipping over there ...!
You do not have the egg terms "sunny side up" and "over easy" in Brittania? And I'll warrant the breakfast quesadlla would be excellent. And isn't "peameal" bacon what you'd refer to as "Canadiaian" bacon?
Unfortunately, I will never be considered a Québecer, even if I move there, as I cannot listen to Céline for longer than 30 seconds before my head explodes and I cannot identify the man with the glasses. Everything else, however, is Pffft! EASY!!! even for a transplanted New Brunswick living in exile in Newfoundland such as myself.
yay habs!
How exciting!
In other news... I have noticed that you are a woman who likes adverts. And knows a lot about them. So maybe you or your readers could help with a little quandary I am currently having, regarding a certain amount of what-the-fuckery over a current Twinings ad being shown on British TV.
I suppose I should do that clever thing you do and find a YouTube clip and put it on my blog. I may try and do that now. In the meantime you will have to make do with my descriptions of it, here.
Who's the guy with the beard?
Despite what the rest of Canada thinks, Toronto is actually a nice place and the people are great!
ps... if you're still at the Hilton, but want a simple meal, try Burrito Boyz at Adelaide and Simcoe. 2 blocks away, and the halibut burrito is awesome.
That is a great picture. It sums up travelling for business absolutely. Will you be taking the free duck with you? Or will it be severely hungover after more overpriced minibar drinking and insist on liberating the bathrobe and slippers?
In no particular order:
Michel Tremblay
I stole the duck.
Dunno about Twinings, I'm in Canada, but I wish they hadn't changed the music on the Mastercard ad and I wish they'd change the fucking Badly Drawn Boy on the Sears ad(s) which are otherwise quite good
My paramour is French Canadian, so I will just have to hope it rubs off.
Dawn! This is that 'irony' thing at work again!!! Isn't it fun?!!!
Megan - have you been drinking?
I hate circuses. All of them. Unless they have animals in them, preferably lions and elephants.
Oh and I like Toronto a lot - thanks for the restaurant recommendation too.
Hold up. Halibut burrito?
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