Day 434: I Review My Portrait In Preparation For My Removal To The Colonies

The times they are a-changing, as Bob Dylan once atonally droned, for tomorrow - as regular readers cannot fail to have noticed - I move to Canada, where I shall be spending 'quality time' with a French Canadian veterinary research pathologist who cuts his own hair and did very well in the French Canadian version of "Jeopardy".

And this can mean only one thing: this web-log must be refreshed a bit; updated visually (as it were) to reflect the change in my circumstances. (In addition to that, from 19.45 Canada time tomorrow, it will not say that I live in Brixton, London; it will say something totally different!).

However, I cannot introduce my "new look" without giving you a bit of context. So settle down - perhaps with a small glass of sweet sherry and a bowl of playing-card motif cheese nibbles - and come with me on an artistic journey.

The (Other) Artist

As an artist myself, I derive a base, almost animalistic satisfaction from collaboration with other artists. (I should add that this kind of collaboration has, in the past, yielded very positive results - unless you count the incident with Will Self and the cockring.)

My collaborator on this web-blog (which I also see as an artwork of sorts) is Dave Shelton. In truth, he only person I trust to take my true likeness. He is a gentleman as well as an artist, and unerringly captures my very essence, time after time.

The Early Years: Relaxed, But Alert

In the beginning was my profile picture. In it, you can see me in my customary pose: comfortably seated in an armchair, fez perched at a jaunty angle, small clay pipe balanced delicately in my mouth, packet of (plain) Hula-Hoops in hand, and glass of absinthe within easy reach.


























The Early Years: Industrious, But Relaxed

But there is - as regular readers will know - another side to me. Sometimes I work, particularly at writing this web-log. (Don't thank me. I know you love it. But it's always nice to be told - so don't hesitate to send appreciative letters and/or presents in boxes. Either is fine.)

In portrait that follows, you can clearly see me at my desk. As ever, my small clay pipe is stuffed in the corner of my mouth and my fez perches perilously on my ever-industrious brain - but as I am trying to concentrate you will see a cup of tea where you would normally see absinthe. On the screen of my laptop is a squirrel, an animal for which I feel nothing but contempt.
























Middle Period: The New Puritan

Neither Dave nor I could have foreseen my mother, MonkeyMother, suddenly getting all modest on our arses (which is a bit rich if you consider the circumstances of my birth and the vodka bottles 'hidden' under the sink.)

Concerned that my picture depicted me as naked as the day I was born, she would not rest until Dave covered me up; in response, Dave developed an excellent solution, called "Figgy".


























International Fame

No comment to make here, other than to show you how Dave's talent allows him to capture my essence whether I am on a donkey or in an armchair. As you will see in this particularly fine work, my fez has been replaced by a beret. That is because I am in France. Also, the absinthe is replaced by creme de menthe. A 'classy touch', I am sure you will agree!



















New Continents

But what now? Where will mine and Dave's artistic journey take us next? To Canada, is the answer - or more specifically, French Canada, also known as Quebec!

Dave has been working on my new portrait for some weeks now. In conjuction with the self-haircutting pathologist, we have developed a 'new look', including:

- a beaver (national animal of Canada, and a personal favourite of mine)
- a squirrel (prevalent in North America; annoying)
- the Canadian flag
- the symbol of Quebec
- a warm hat
- special glove-socks for my cold monkey toes
- a warm overcoat
- a glass of tawny port (they drink this as an aperitif in Canadia!)

Here is the 'work in progress":


























Good isn't it! But is it as good as the final one? No it is not! Here is the final one:

































Present Day: An Artistic Dilemma

How can I do this beautiful image justice? How can I show it to the world on my web-blog? Imagines spin through my mind; images of a new banner along the top; a new - yes, a new - sort of header-y thing. But how?








This is an actual fact. It was designed by a man called Ray Larabie (who is from Ottawa) 1997 and it is amusing without being Comic Sans. In addition, it has a really good name that is also apposite.

The question is: how do I turn Dave's finest picture into a banner along the top of my blog? (I have some really good ideas and help, thanks to a friend - but Blogger is refusing to do what it is told!)

Here is the work-in-progress in my head. (In some circles they might call it a "visual brief"). It is not very good.











In fact, perhaps the font is not very good. Or is it good? I do not think so, but the pressure to properly show the world the picture of me enjoying my new life in the colonies is skewing my artistic judgement!

Help me, sweet readers. Help me.

***UPDATE

It is better now:









And yet still it will not upload, and nor can I make the file of a high enough resolution. (I have the elements; I just don't know how to make it super using nothing but Powerpoint, a half-dead Mac, no Photoshop, new Blogger and a persistent and distressing refusal on its part to upload what I want it to.)

If anyone can help, I will weep with gratitude. It feels wrong to be here in the Canadia (which I am, and it is grate!), without my new pioneering portrait in place at the head of this masterful web-blog.

(Thank you for the comments and help and advice, all of which have been good, useful and right - I just couldn't do it.)