It is true, I am disgruntled. I am living out of suitcases and fed up, and have (to my shame) snapped at at least three people today, none of whom deserve it. But I have just been to the shop (and the postbox) and there, tested to the limits of my very patience. I have been very rude to a complete stranger, and I am almost certain that I would have been as rude to him even if I had been in a really really good mood.
At the postbox I stuff my (very small) parcel into the slot of the postbox. It goes in with a squish. In the (very small) parcel is a book that I am sending to Canadia that I think will amuse someone I am fond of. It is not worth much, but it is apposite and charming, and I would like it to get there.
A man is watching me. He is tall and broad and gingery-blonde. He has an insufferably annoying face, and is leaning in the door of the shop with his arms crossed, shaking his head.
Him: You'll be lucky if that gets there.
The parcel plops into the post box.
Me: Sorry?
Him: You'll be lucky if that gets there. Parcels in the Post Office (points at tiny shut Post Office); letters in the box (points at post box).
Me: (Eyes narrowed) What?
Him: Yes. And I should know. I work for the Royal Mail.
Silence. It is as if he has just announced that he has won the Nobel Prize for Smugfuckery. He puffs up, uncrosses and re-crosses his arms, chuckles* and shakes his head.
Me: Well why the fuck didn't you tell me that before I put in in the box, you twat?
Him: There's no need to be rude. I'm only trying to help.
Me: Oh, just cock off.
I have cheered up now.
* Quite the most ghastly word, but exactly what he was doing.
15 comments:
I post books all the time - I mean literally all the time, averaging about one a week. I put them in a book-shaped jiffy bag, squeeze them through the slot of a post box (a red one, just like in your picture), and a few days later they arrive at their destination.
Which just goes to show, not only was he a twat, he was talking utter bollocks.
And many of the books I post are going to The Abroad, too. And still they arrive.
I think you were very restrained under the circumstances. You spoke the absolute truth rather than take refuge in mere insults.
Clare - thank you for your reassurances.
Z - I salute you, and if you were here I would shake you firmly by the hand.
"I'm only trying to help." ?!?
just how is that supposed to be helpful after you dropped the package? was he going to help by opening up the box and let you retrieve it (an act which i'm sure is probably illegal anyway)?
it'll get here fine, don't fret. the beaver poster system works well, but the postal employees are still cunty. i blame it on the fact that post offices are franchises now and not run directly.
NWM, I am quite loving the word 'smugfuckery'. Incredibly evocative.
I will be using "smugfuckery" all week long as I deal with people who "do me a favor" by piling extra projects on my desk and applying unrealistic deadlines. I might remember to use it in my inside voice though.
My other half* called a man a twat in tesco after he jumped the queue at the DIY checkout. He said, quite clearly, "you're a twat!". I was mortified and shuffled him along to the next checkout while he carried on mouthing over my shoulder "you're a twat!", "you're a twat!". Must confess to peeing myself laughing when we got outside though and I often repeat the phrase to him.
*I dislike this term intensely
Your blog is very good value at the moment. I like it when you are litrerally non-working, and am thinking The Canadia may well be the making of you - especially if pathology is awfully well paid and combined with the money saved by self-haircutting means that you can be kept in a a non-working manner forever and ever amen. Until you have kids, at which point you will find that the only way to be non-working is to go to work and skive a lot.
I am delighted you are all liking 'smugfuckery'. It does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it?
"I'm only trying to help" is only used by interfering, tactless, whining twats. It is rubbish, like "Can I be blunt?" is in fact code for "I am about to be inapproprately rude, even though I do not know you well enough to talk to you like this">
Loops - "other half" is indeed awful but I am still struggling to find a better expression than 'boyfriend'. (I am also working on a new expression, currently standing at "ladychamber", which goes with "ladygarden".
Clare - I like it when I am literally non-working too. I am happy, and have ideas, and smile very much. But I have never been 'kept' and wouldn't know how to deal with it (or really want to) in the very unlikely event of it being suggested. "Until I have kids"? Heavens, what an assumption!
In the meantime, I shall slowly look for a job and enjoy the thinking time as much as I can.
Maybe "sanctimonious twat" would have given greater satisfaction.
Smugfuckery is indeed good.
I'm like you on the being kept thing, idiots that we are. I think we need to take lessons from olden-day people.
The child thing was a ridiculous assumption, and I apologise heartily. I'm doing a lot of assumpting today. I shall cease forthwith.
Bugger him anyway, some superior mean dwarf of a man who is incompetent at his job. Sorry, let myself go there for a second.
I love 'smugfuckery' and, like the others in this group, will use it at lot *titter*
Well done on not wanting to be kept. I was for a time and hated being the 'and spouse' on car insurance/mobile 'phone contracts etc. yeuck!
Maybe you could keep smiling, and thinking of part-time in paid employ? That pays lots of dosh, of course. (I write this at a time when I am supposed to be working.)
HOT NEWS: it arrived, the parcel.
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