What is this shit? I put up a poll and within seconds, it becomes clear that I should be the Chairman of IBM! (Please do vote. Ghastly blueish green thing down there on the right.) If I run a competition - even one with no prizes - I have endless entries! (See below. And no, I have not declared the winner - although JonnyB* is clearly a chocolate-cock loving pervert**.)
If I step back in time, as Kylie once did, I consider the many entries I have had for the Splendid Monkey Gallery. More recently, when MonkeyMother did her special Ask Monkeymother one-off special feature (should we coax her out again?), my inbox nearly burst in a dirty mess all over the floor.
All this tells me one thing, and one thing only: despite the fact that I find interactivity slightly tiring (my love of the quiz and my hunt for Vacuous Twattery aside), my tireless and loyal readers - each one blessed with excellent taste and very good (if unusual) looks - love a bit of interactivity.
So how's about this then? I'm going to write a book. It's going to be called "The Philosophy of Song". It will be shit, and teeny-tiny, and put together by a small publishing house outside Luton. The typeface will be Comic Sans, and the palette mainly pastel. But in it will be lines from songs, which IN FACT give out quite good advice!
I ask you: what is YOUR entry? I will start with some suggestions. I think you will like them:
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need."
Quite serious come to think of it! Sadly, I don't think this one qualifies; I have always enjoyed it:
"You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, with four hundred children asleep in a field."
Over to you!!!
* I didn't say it. My readers did.
** My traffic will now go up 800%.
38 comments:
I am quite happy to inform that a casual googling of 'chocolate-cock loving' brings you up a blazing second, out of 33,700 entries - just a choco-willie's length behind the always reliable and popular 'InterracialPayPerViewMovies.com'.
'Casual'? Please please tell me now - is there something I should know? Is there something I should say, that would make you come my way?
But hang on - precisely how long is a 'choco-willie'?
As to your proper question, for a long time I was quite partial to
Life is white, and I am black,
Jesus and his lawyer are coming back
as well as
I propose a toast to my self-control,
you see it crawling helpless on the floor
and a few times I've come close to singing:
I've got a court date coming in june,
I'll be driving soon.
Nowadays though, I think my life is mostly guided along by the profound wisdom found in
nah nah da dee da dee
foo da lip dee dwip
How about:
"Act your age not your shoe-size"
Or,
"Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you"
Even,
"These burgers are crazy"
I don't need an education* (or We don't need no education**, depending on your musical preference) has proven very useful when debating about living this boring class or not. Works about meetings were people try to educate you in some kind of sneaky, holier-than-thou, extremely boring way.
The trick is to keep breathing*** does wonders too.
As well as Everything's gonna be alright****
And I guess I'll stop here, but given that I have the somewhat bothering habit to answer lots of questions by quoting / singing / humming songs, this could go a long way.
* Garbage, Medication
** Pink Floyd Another Brick in the Wall
*** Garbage, The Trick Is To Keep Breathing
**** Bob Marley, No Woman No Cry
I'll go with Little Feat's "On The Way Down", which includes the sage advice:
"The same people you misuse on your way up/ You might need them/ On your way down."
Oh, and I still think you should be a jam consultant.
Not sure if it counts as advice but it's very wise:
Architecture students are like virgins with an itch
They cannot scratch
Never build a building till your fifty
What kind of life is that?
Pavement lyrics are fine.
Hey - get with the 21st century!!! A 'pervert' to one person might just be a 'zoophile' to another.
I always try to live my life according to the profound lyrics of Kula Shaker:
"It's a feeling like no other, spending Easter with your mother. Darling, it's a freaky roller coaster ride."
I think many people can relate to the universal truth in that.
Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing?
Not really advice as such but kind of wise, in a very cynical sort of way.
Come on people! Keep it coming! This is SENSATIONAL.
By the way, Dave, I need a pic of me going to Canada, featuring:
Maple leaf flag PLUS Quebec flag
A beaver
A muffin (gigantic)
Endless empty plains with nothing in except enormous fruit and vegetables
More beavers
Some snow
Another Quebec flag
Some maple syrup
Cheese.
What do you reckon?
As to the rest of you - I'll be coming back later. I think we have the makings of something GREAT. In fact, I'd make another page for my blog if I knew how, and it would be especially for the book.
How about:
When you're sad and feeling blue,
with nothing better to do,
don't just sit there feeling stressed,
take a trip on the national express.
Never fails to work for me.
How about:
Kathy I'm lost I said,
though I knew
she was sleeping
Paul Simon
and
some plan for the kingdom of heaven
and some take their chances and bet lucky seven
I don't know what to believe, I just show up and breathe, anymore.
Indigo Girls
just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
Elton's pal
Smile for a while and let's be jolly
Love shouldn't be so melancholy
Come along and share the good times while we can
(from I never promised you a rose garden)
Was always quite partial to
"Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.
A little voice inside my head said "Don't look back, you can never look back."
Don Henley
Why? I dunno, just scans well and sounds good.
Augh. I cannot condone anything using Comic Sans. Why not a tasteful Myriad? I also am terrible at remembering actual heartfelt lines from songs so instead I offer up what was (yes really) going through my head this morning:
"If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy" as sung by Homer Simpson
"Can't find my clothes and my socks are full of holes and I need to blow my nose and my shoelace has a knot" - I'm Mad; the Animaniacs
"Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses." - Aenima; Tool
I think I'll go put some Vaughn Williams on now...
I'll bring the geek factor up a notch with some Sondheim; from Into the Woods, possibly his most crap musical, but that is neither here nor there, I suppose:
"But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?"
I have no idea who wrote or performed these...
"War... huh... what is it good for? Absolutely Nothing"
"When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, when it looks like you might take a lickin' - there is always someone who will hurry up and rescue you just call for SuperChicken"
And this one is by Boston:
Don't stop believin', hold on to that feeling"
Dear Mouse,
you've just committed an unspeakable Crime Against Classic Crap Rock: the line is Journey's, not Boston's.
Please feel free to commit any other.
'The more I get the more I want' - Teddy Pendergrass
Can't say fairer than that really.
I am in comments heaven.
J-Boy: are you a scientist? I bet you hate the Eagles which brings me to....
MonkeyFather: I think you once said: "I never listen to lyrics". I also am looking for the PHILOSOPHY of RARK, not lines you can remember. (I thought you would appreciate with my own reference - but you come back with HENLEY?) Please flick through your Genesis and give me a good one. Or tell the Rick Wakeman/wedding story.
Sewmouse: Hello and welcome! Especially with your SuperChicken.
Muffy darling - very good work.
Megan - puzzling, but interesting.
Sarah - very very very near to winning, although it's probably too early to say that
Apprentice - oh yes to the last one - that's definitely in
Rachie - "but it's hard to get by/when your arse is the size/of a small country". You are also in danger of winning (not that it's a competition). Or even "Take the National Express/When your life's in a mess/It will make you smile"
Dave - nice work, friend. Although there is a lot wrong with it generally - "she left me out in the cold/wearing a plastic coat", for example.
Katy - not bad as it goes.
Chloe - I can't love you. You talk about Pink Floyd and The Wall and the fucking cretinous halfwits employed to sing the chorus.
Running Monkey:
"Well if you want it
Go out and get it
You've got to do it yourself
Do do do
Do it yourself"
JonnyB: pervert.
Well at least I suggested an alternative, right?
I will make my bed
With her tonight, he cries.
Can he fail,
armed with his chocolate surprise?
Genesis is full of good life advice, which I've heeded to the letter, with results !
I'm sure Monkeyfather has many more at hand.
J-boy: I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe): not much.
(MonkeyFather: points for Genesis Knowledge or not? Please let me off the interest for the school fees. Please.)
Strike by night! They are defenceless.
Genesis - Return Of The Giant Hogweed
Always works for me.
JB, just wait for Genesis In The Cage in 9 days time, then we'll talk Genesis lyrics, I never did understand them, you can explain...
I love my dog as much as I love you.
One more? my father swears there's a really and for true song that goes:
She broke my heart in Walgreens
I cried all the way to Sears
I kept fallin' on the pavement
From a'slippin' on my tears
A cautionary tale of love in an American mall.
I might win? Ooh!
The jolly hostess doesn't sell crisps and tea any more though. Sad.
I can't believe no-one has mentioned The Pina Colada Song yet. I live my life by that song.
Dave - nice work, friend. Although there is a lot wrong with it generally - "she left me out in the cold/wearing a plastic coat", for example.
Well, that's from a different song but, yeah, I take your point. The line I quoted is a great line in a poor song (but not as poor as the dreary plastic coat one). Often the way.
Also very partial to
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
Hello Monkey, good thread. You know mine already. But once more with feeling, they are (for wisdom):
"You've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above"
Bruce Springsteen - Tunnel of love
(for out Sondheiming Sondheim over a drum machine):
"I keep on hoping you'll be faithful, but you aren't i suppose.
We've both given up smoking, 'cause it's fatal,
So whose matches are those?"
Pet Shop Boys - So Hard
Monkey kisses
Lx
mmm, bein deafish make it difficult mabe sounds of silence?
"and we can thank our lucky stars that we're not as smart as we'd like to think we are"
works every time for me.
Since d34dpuppy has brought up Simon and Garfunkel how about a line for self-critical writers? - "all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity"
The most silly line I ever heard was "I spilled my tea, oh silly me" which was in a film but I can't remember the song.
I've got another one...
'Baby get moving,
why keep your feeble hopes alive?
what are you proving?
you've got the dream but not the drive'
Actually the silliest line ever written is
Just like a rainbow,
you know you set me free
I think we're looking at a draw between:
MonkeyMother (very strong work - despite being a privit joke)
Anonymous (aka Louis) - EXTREMELY strong Springsteen work
Beth - very good.
Jonnyboy with his chocolate surprise.
But overall - I'm very much afraid that it's Sarah with her Sondheim. You get a chocolate surprise from the early works of Genesis.
I have won the non-competition competition? I am truly delighted!
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