Sunday, July 01, 2007

Day 355: I Am Driven Behind The Sofa

What is this? A concert at Wembley for Lady Diana? What's the point of that? Hasn't she been dead for a while?

I am told by the television presenters that the concert has been organised by Princes William and Harry all by themselves, with no help at all from anyone else - quite a feat, I'm sure you'll agree! (Honestly, the things you learn at Sandhurst nowadays! In my time, it was all drills, shiny boots and hospital corners.)

And look! The entire population of Milton Keynes and Luton is in the audience, wearing ghastly baseball caps and clutching bunches of garage flowers. They are dancing, cheering and singing along, and I rather wish they wouldn't. "God bless her precious memory", they say, wiping a tear from their eye as they reach into their Iceland multi-pack of salted snacks and sip tea from their Thermos flasks. "She was a treasure. The country's never been the same since she passed away*".

But what is it that these poor simple people are singing along to? Yes, it is Duran Duran, who are still rubbish. Simon Le Bon is still tone deaf and something has happened to John Taylor; his face has aged thirty years, but his hair has not! It is like an enormous puffy guinea pig with flaps is sitting on his stupid head! The one that wore the eyeliner is still wearing eyeliner. One of them looks different though. I think he may be a different person altogether.

Who is next in this cavalcade of mediocrity? Yes, it is James Morrisson! Truly, this is the most embarrassing thing I ever seen. Oh look. It's Dennis Hopper and Sienna Miller. And Prince William clapping out of time to Lily Allen. And Eugenie and Beatrice clapping AND singing along. Holy christ. No amount of Absinthe can help me now.

So distressing is the whole thing that I am tempted to get on my bicycle and join my brother, who has just telephoned me from the water's edge.

"Can you hear this?", he shouts. In the background there are bells! "Honestly, we came down here for a bit of peace and quiet, and some cunt's turned up with some bells. It's like he's ripped the inside out of a church and stuck them on the back of a chariot. And now he's inside it playing them. Jesus wept."

All of which is better than the Concert for Lady Di, of that much I am sure.



* I greatly dislike this kind of euphemism. "Died" is the word they are looking for. These sort of people also use the expression "little girl's room", and talk about powdering their noses.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

And such a wooden audience. The Princes dance through Nelly and the crowd barely moves. It's never a good sign when the royals appear to be having the most fun.

I must say I was amazed at the volume of the applause after the Swan Lake bit. I never knew so so many locals attended the ballet-- or maybe they were just relieved because they had thought it was an opening act for Bjork.

Z said...

I was on holiday when my husband rang me to say that we'd 'lost' one of the dogs. I asked if he'd been found yet. We were at cross purposes for some minutes. I had to explain, I don't understand euphemisms at the best, and a dog is only too easy to lose. If he's dead, say so.

He was.

Anonymous said...

Please someone explain why the fuck Denis Hopper's there. Sad or what? And I had no idea this was on until Non-working Monkey mentioned it. Yours from rural France (courtesy of Sky)

Anonymous said...

Somehow you have made me laugh out loud despite trashing Duran Duran and guinea pigs (two of my very favourite things) in one breath.

Anonymous said...

"It is like an enormous puffy guinea pig with flaps is sitting on his stupid head!"

I shall hold this image close to my heart, always.

Anonymous said...

this was by far the scariest thing i've seen on tv this year.
i had to watch through a little hole in my fingers, and i winced quite a lot.

petemaskreplica said...

It occurs to me that Lady Di has herself become a euphemism, for "sanctimonious toss".

Mr Farty said...

Oh, I dunno. The lovely Fergie was pretty amazing. Apart from the lack of any dress sense, stage presence or ability to handle a microphone. Poor cow.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Petemaskreplica, I salute you. As I do you all.

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