But happy news! My idea (that came from my Inspiration) is REALLY great. It allows my readers to continue to be amused by reading AND feel really involved in the weblog they love so much by contributing to it!
"How can this be so?", I hear you cry in wonderment as you collapse in your chair, exhausted once again by my endless genius. It is simple! They will be helping me to to build my collection - a collection of vacuous twattery, which started on Tuesday, with "There is no 'i' in team", and continued yesterday , with "Sugar?" "No thanks, I'm sweet enough".
A cursory glimpse at the comments on yesterday's post will tell you what you need to do. You need to keep sending in your best examples of vacuous twattery. I want my comments box full. I want more comments in my box than I could dream of. But not rubbish ones; ones like the ones that have been coming in over the recent days. Here are some examples, for you instruction and inspiration!
Leaving the office at 5:20pm only to be greeted with the cry of, "Oh, going part time are we?"
Mr Angry
Supposedly ironic quotation marks in the air...Equally followed on by cunty-arsey squiggle, i.e. where's my bill? Why not just ask for it and not be such an arse?
H
"Working hard or hardly working?"
"Mercy buckets."
Asta
"Wow, you're in early, whadya do.. shit the bed?"
"Warm enough for you?"
Having just botched changing gears and making an horrible noise.."Does it play any other tunes", or, "I'll name that tune in one"
Tim
When people say "I'm 99.9% sure". So you're not sure then. Either that or you're covering your arse in case you're wrong, with that .1% leeway. Twats.
Badger
There is a proper knobber at work who always asks "how are you diddlying?" with cheery humour every fuckin day. His wife just left him for another man and I have to be honest I can't blame her.
Sean
Following on from Badger "I'm going to give it 110%" has always really pissed me off.
Miss Tickle
... there is a lady in my office who has started to say 'LOL' instead of actually laughing. Ugh. Stop it.
Kat
Maybe it's an American illness still, but there are several types who run around my office saying "deee - wait for it - nide!" Also as they're running it's much harder to kick them viciously in the shins.
Megan
Any sort of jokey global warming comment. "Oooh, gotta love this global warming!" when it's nice and hot, or "So much for global warming!" when it isn't.
Léonie
'What's the weather like up there?' to my 6'6" son, grrrr!
Tea and cake
Come along now! Show me what you've got! The best entry will win a mug bearing the visage of Mustafa Kemal Atatürk; a mug not unlike this one:
Pip pip!
27 comments:
First - Yay!
People who do that.
I quite like the idea of the woman who says LOL instead of actually laughing. Very web 3.
This is not particularly twattage, but I am particularly frustrated by it because it has just happened three times in a row - people who phone a company with 500 employees getting through to the switchboard and saying: "You just called me."
"success comes before work only in the dictionary" -- so what?
And actually, people who say "Anyhow" instead of "Anyway". Yes, I do still want my shotgun.
Any arse-hats that still say 'paradigm' or 'kudos' bug me..
as do people that say 'irregardless', 'pacifically' and 'mute' instead of 'moot'.
and I bug myself for using too many of these ''''''
*sigh*
When on my knees unpacking boxes in my son's greengrocery, the many (religious lot in East Anglia) customers who say "say one for me while you're down there."
While he was painting the outside of the shop, "you've missed a bit." One bloke thought this was so funny that he stopped his car and wound down the window to say it.
When shopping, if I offer the assistant the odd change, "if you've got it." Not much point in offering if I haven't.
'The word 'cock' has been banned from the website of the Royal Society of Protection for Birds. You may well think that it's a perfectly proper word for describing the male of the species, but you are obviously made of sterner stuff than those sensitive bird-lovers.' The Observer June 3rd
then people say 'It PC gone mad, you know'.
these people are cocks.
Bugger. I don't understand this game. Is it meant to be rubbish? Because I think Work Colleague's approach is genuis. I've got it wrong haven't I? I must be honest, I only skim-read this.
i cannot stand people that says close proximity, r people that spell loose 4 lose, gawd, even i know that is wrong :o)
I agree with Miss Tickle.
And I would add to that people who then say "well, can you go round the office and ask everyone if they were trying to call me" NO!
Who returns a missed call if they don't know who it is from?
Anthing to do with "pushing the envelope" when "try harder" would do.
Friggin' and ...."eating your own dogfood" when referring to using products from the company you work for (unless you work for Pedigree).
People who say 'hypochondriact', with a t on the end, should be cast into a firey ravine.
I thought of another. People who, when they are asked if they like children/dogs/anything, say "Yes, but I couldn't eat a whole one."
people who keep referring to their sad shopping binges as "Retail Therapy"
people who say 'speak of the devil!' when you come in and then won't tell you what they were saying.
or is that just paranoia as opposed to annoyance?
hampsters. advocadoes. sea anenemies.
Me: Hiya
Them: Higher than what?
Me: Punch.
Would of, could of, should of. It's have!
G-d. If you're going to bore me about the bloke at least spell his name right!
much as i love (LOVE!) the NWM, how much longer must we, her trusted readers, support this blog whilst she tans her lovely bits & pieces under the Bospherus sun?
Would the BBC put up with such outlandish behaviour; by now an action group from the Daily Mail would be calling for Greg Yeiks! head on a stick under similar circumstances....
we need leadership, we need spirit, we need ........ the NWM! Come back, all is forgotten! (sic)
When you say i'm going on holiday and people say'oh, going anywhere nice?' i'm alway tempted to say 'no i'm going somewhere awful - cos thats what do when you on holiday isnt it'
in response to dr f:
plimpsole
'Think outside the box'
Enough said.
"See you later" from anybody, unless you will see him or her again within the next 12 hours.
When going to see a consultant, my mum asked me '...and will you tell him all your symptoms?'
me: 'No, I'm going to let him guess.'
response to reading the signs: people who actually go on a Coach Trip to a Shopping *fricking* Centre!
My work exchanges are of this variety:
Work Collegue: [by way of 'Good Morning'] TWAT.
Me: [non-plussed] CUNT.
He gets a coffee. I get some water. Come and work at my place people. All is as it should be.
Cheer up. Plenty of room for you all at that Disappointment grumble place. Whatever it's called. You know.
"Moving forward" instead of "next" or "next time".... "April/ May timeframe" instead of "in April or May"
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH
'Singing from the same hymn sheet' or being 'on the same page'.
There are loads of these and they are all in fact RUBBISH.
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