In three weeks, my contract in Amsterdam is up! I do not want to go back to London, the scene of my birth, as it is a terrible place to live unless you are originally from elsewhere and/or a millionaire. Because of this, I must "actively look for work", something I have never really had to do before, what with nepotism and blackmail in my armoury.
"Send me your CV", yawned my brother the other day. He lives in Amsterdam with a beautiful lady, and has done for nearly five years. Because of this he knows some people who need other people to do jobs.
My CV is two pages long, and is not prefaced by a "personal statement" written in the third person. This is because I do not like "personal statements". They make me want to vomit.
"Derek is an extremely competent marketing professional with over twenty years' experience as the Director of a Blue Chip Company. Experienced across a wide range of marketing disciplines, Derek combines a solid foundation in marketing expertise with the creative-mindedness of the lateral thinker. A strong and respected leader, Derek has an active portfolio of marketing qualifications, including a BTEC in Cockmonkey Studies from the University of Luton. Derek is an asset to any organisation, combining a bubbly personality with solid inter-disciplinary stapling skills."
But I digress. I sent my brother my CV with an email. The email said "Here it is. I think I need to update it a bit. What do you think?"
My brother replied:
"What about your interests section? Photographing coffee and biscuits, falling off your bike, being a twat?"
I shall be employed before the day is out!
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14 comments:
Hurray! I also have a qualification in Cockmonkey Studies, perhaps me and Derek can go for a drink sometime?
I think I love your brother.
Ms B - be under no illusion. He is a cretin.
Mishima - whyever not? (I should point out that some of the nicest people I know have 'statements'. It is not the statement itself so much as the way they're written that makes me want to vomit.)
With That Statement Derek would succeed in The Apprentice, with Sir Amstrad, for sure.
Prince Alain de Strad, I think you mean.
Yeah but, when you land in London, email me, and we can go and get bladdered. Only people in London get bladdered. It is not a phenomenon that has reached Amsterdam or, for that matter, New York, oh Monkey temporarily of the Netherlands, where, I am reliably informed by the New York Times, the houses actually float.
Soon to be non-working monkey - it's time for a lunch, maybe with Mr Christie to make sure of full frivolity, in one of London town's best pubs.....
Yes I hate that style of thing too, no faults ever admitted to, but they always turn out to be totally useless, with the one saving grace that they can do Execel spreadsheets without always arriving at column 1,073, row Q.
Good luck NWM, might the CV also be sent to Canada?
NWM don't do an interests section either unless you do put photographing coffee they're really boring to read
Don't forget to include picking chewing-gum out of your *ahem* ladygarden.
Prince Alain wouldn't be arsed to read about anybody's interests, and nor would anybody else. Just what do they Mean Anyway?
I hate personal statements too - I'm always tempted to put in a "and she hates personal statements" in the middle of all the waffle as I'm convinced no-one ever reads them anyway.
well for goodness sake! i'd employ you for your biscuit cataloguing alone - if i weren't also non-working
ha ha. The word 'bubbly' makes anyone it's applied to sound like they aspire to be a page 3 girl
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