Chewing my lip on the way back from Oxford Street to Barnes, I started composing a post in my head. It was mainly about how rubbish London is (yet again), and was going to include the following exchange with a waitress in the cafe in Heal's:
Me: Could I have a menu?
She looks at me as if I have asked her for a cockring made of gold pulled in a tiny cart by a unicorn.
Her: A .... MENU?
Me: Yes. A menu.
Her: (Long silence.) A... menu. Yes.
And the one with the lady in M&S.
Me: Do you have this coat in a size (x - surprisingly small, mind!)
Her: No.
Me: None at all?
Her: No. And don't ask me to order it. No point.
Me: OK.
And the cab driver.
Me: Hello. Could you take me to Barnes?
Him: I suppose so.
And then I thought, no! There is no point cocking on about how awful London is anymore. Most people know all the reasons it's rubbish, if they think it's rubbish. If they like it they either live in Chelsea or were born in Lincoln and still think it's glamourous; that, or they really DO make use of London's "vibrant cultural life". (My tally of experiences of London's "vibrant cultural life" last year: Theatre: 2; Cinema: 10; Gigs: 4; Restaurants: c. 15, total visits 50; Clubs: 0; Pubs: 4, total visits 4,321; weekends out of London: 20; weeks out of London: c. 8; Art things: 20).
But enough! There is something nice and useful to think about, so I shall turn my mind to that instead.
Dear Mike, everyone's favourite Troubled Diva, is doing a jolly good thing. I am utterly delighted by his idea (send in a post that's funny; it turns into a book which is published by Lulu; book gets sold for Comic Relief). You must go and read all about it IMMEDIATELY to find out more. You may want to have a go at it yourself, for heaven's sake! But if you do it yourself or don't do it yourself, one fact remains clear: when the book comes out, you must buy it in many copies.
I am going to send in a post. But I am worried, for the things I think are funny make most other people throw up in their mouths a bit. If you can remember ever laughing at anything on this blog, even in a kind of passive way whilst re-adjusting yourself down your trousers and smoking a pipe, please let me know what it was. That way, not only will I have a post to submit, but I will be able to absolve myself of all responsibility when people read it and go: "that's not funny. That's cock."
Pip pip!
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18 comments:
Quite frankly (and don't go getting a big head now) you should just get the whole blog printed into a book and sold for comic/gentlemen's relief.
Yes, you're THAT funny.
this blog, funny? bugger off. I have never laughed at your blog. not once. never ever ever. if you think those "frondy tailed cunts" were funny, then you're barking.
paff.
wuv oo.
Fair cop as it goes, "frondy tailed cunts" was quite good. Otherwise, I need proper, serious contenders. I have submitted the imaginary letter to the publishers, but am not sure that it is as funny as I (and people who actually know me in the real life) might think it is. I am not going to bother to thank you for being nice as that would make ME sick in my mouth.
Anything to do with 4WD drivers and a bit you once wrote about people in South London decorating their houses like stately homes. Brilliant.
I thought the posts about the statue with the big knob were funny... Not so much the fact that the guy was very fortunate, but the fact that you kept looking out for it every time you passed the shop, and it was hidden from view for so long.
my vote goes for 'new kind of english'
but can i just add that when a monkey is tired of london, it must be in need of a wife - or something ...
What choice. Loved the statue too. There was one about how you felt like (something totally abstract I can't remember what) when you saw horses in a butcher's shop or something, funny as always but also quite an amazing piece of writing I thought.
Ooh def the lady garden one. That made me spit laugh.
His inbox seems to be being deluged. I think his editing skills will be tested if he's to publish by Friday.
Oooh use one of the ones about Twat Boy!! They always make me laugh far more than I should do whilst sitting at my working desk surrounded by serious looking working people . . . .
enidd liked "new kind of english" too, but she'd rather you didn't enter it because she doesn't want the competition. she needs to get something published before her old mum and dad die of cancer and beri-beri (respectively), which will probably be next thursday week. it'd make the old dears so proud, and you'd have done a fine thing.
I've been lucky enough to know the non-working monkey when she was employed. She's actually even funnier in real life, and managed to personally preserve the sanity of several less humourous individuals. Come see us soon......
No no, if you include one of the posts about The Statue With Enormous Penis, then people will say,
"that IS funny. That's cock."
If you were really sneaky and clever you could edit the two (?) penis-on-statue posts into one.
Or you could do the one about the chewing gum in the ladygarden. Your choice.
Lots of your other posts are funny, too. All of them, in fact.
Day 99 - The London Underground.
It's got arse, cardboard boxes (Dave Shelton's probably dribbling with excitement already), death threats (from you, not against), the Piccalilli Line, bilingual, two breasts (oh, sorry, two abreast), wee, cock. Perfick!
btw, I see we are both travelling to the Canada in May. Perhaps we shall meet at last. I've checked in my trusty atlas and it's only 12 inches from Montreal to Vancouver.
*checks scale*
CHRIST ALMIGHTY Canada's big!
The statue with the unfeasibly large appendage.
No question.
It's all funny, but that made me telephone my friends and tell them to read it.
I'd like the chance to get bored of London, must admit.
But you do seem to bump into the surliest of surly bastards, on your travels. You wouldn't get comments like that up here in Yorkshire. Mainly because they involve multiple syllables. But also because Yorkshire people hit you/set their dogs on you first, and ask questions later, as they're treading on your face with their green wellies.
Sick of Yorkshire? Nah. Me? Nah. Nope. Ok, YES.
.....
I'm reading your posts, and I like them very muchly.
Unfortunately.
As if I didn't have enough blogs to keep up with.
Gnn.
u should send in ur next post ( tha waxin tha garden 1)
Your London cultural life is thriving compared to mine! I've lived here since December and have been to perhaps 3 or 4 bars (one in Leicester Square), 1 club, The Candy Bar (doesn't count as a club), 3 restaurants (2 I ate at for free) and Hyde Park. That's it.
I agree you should send the one about the male statue you wanted to buy. That was amazing - I thought of it immediately.
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