TwatBoy, the twat who lives upstairs, has been fretting. He has been approached by our terminally insane freeholder with a terminally insane demand ("I send surveyor round! He look what work be done. We do work, you pay!"). This has made him Panic.
I am not panicking, as I am ten years older than TwatBoy and aware of the existence of words and expressions like "lease", "contract", "my solicitor", "piss off" and "no". However, TwatBoy occasionally appears on the front door and whimpers; I try to be kind as he is young and frightened and I am not. More to the point, I have nothing at all to do, and am therefore mildly interested in the Battle that will ensue if terminally insane freeholder Even Fucking Thinks About It.
I am however uninterested in the work of Razorlight, whose vastly overrated America was played over and over again, very loudly, by TwatBoy yesterday afternoon. It is not a very good song. It contains the line "it's disgusting in America". The boys in the 'group' are 12. Some of them are from England and some of them are from Sweden, but they sing in American accents and they sing about American politics. It is embarrassing to listen to, but not as embarrassing as the thought of middle class public schoolboys (e.g. TwatBoy and Spastic Flatmate), really loving it, and thinking the political message is really clever. But still, it is the season of goodwill to all men, even TwatBoy, so I left them to it and went out.
And then this evening WWIII breaks out upstairs. I hear gunfire, shouts, crashes. Machine gun fire; explosions. It goes on and on and on. After half an hour I Crack and knock on the door. Spastic Flatmate lumbers to the door. I say nothing. He mumbles an apology and lumbers back upstairs. He turns it down. Then TwatBoy came home and it starts again, but this time twice as loud! This can only mean one thing: there are two gormless public schoolboys* playing on a "PlayStation" above my head!
Happily, I have a .22 shotgun under my bed. Now I shall take it, go out of my front door, knock on next door and use it.
Whilst I am committing Twaticide, I am very pleased to share with you one of my Favourite Commercials of All Time, which seems to be on air again.
It reminded me of this, which I was trying to remember last week in the cold. (Quality is shit and the laughing's a pain in the arse, but still):
* I went to a school called Godolphin & Latymer. I have no right to judge, really, except I am not a twat very often.
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16 comments:
I went to a school called Garden House. Round the corner from yours and we were all pretty much convinced that anyone who went to Godolphin was a twat. We were all under 11 years of age at the time. I then went on to attend Bedales. As a result it's quite possible that I'm a twat.
Love your blog.
Lola x
Lola. At least it wasn't St Paul's. That's all I'm saying.
St Paul's Girls', that is, not Boys'. There is Nothing At All Wrong with St Paul's Boys' School. At all. There is quite a lot wrong with Latymer Upper, however.
I love talking in weird code, me.
I just know that I would have loved going to St. Pauli Girl School.
I very much fear I do not understand you J-boy! Is this the Irony, or a Joke I have Missed? I think it must be the early hour. ah me.
Could J-boy be referring St Pauli the red-light district in Hamburg?
Is there some sort of a similarity between St Pauli girls and St Paul’s girls? One of my friends who went to St. Paul’s claimed that at the slightest whiff of a male passing by, they would all run to the windows drooling. However, I never noticed much drool going on with the girls at St Pauli, when I lived in Hamburg, but then there were other distractions going on.
I went to a comprehensive school.
I just thought I'd contribute the common element :D
Sorry, different cultural references and all... I should have rather written such:
I just know that I would have loved going to St. Pauli Girl School.
I love the idea of "Twaticide". Maybe we could have a week dedicated to it, everyone allowed to get rid of just one twat each?
Would the wardens accept US dollars instead of Euros? I've got $1.75 to help meet your bail.
Oh my Good Lord. Is St.Pauli Girl a really serious beer brand, or is someone taking the piss? Please do enlighten us jb. American or Canadian?
Pappa! There is an animated map of the States of the USA at the top of the website! I think it may be American!
Deffo up for Twaticide Day. I'll get that twat Lloyd-Webber to front it, then we can all point our shotguns at him and finish him off for once and for all.
Yes dear monkeypapa,there is such a thing as St.Pauli Girl beer, sold with the help of the St.Pauli Girl girl. And of many many many posters of the St.Pauli Girl with her partially exposed St.Paulies, generally noted in the the toilets of roadside drinking establishments from Tennessee to Idaho. Very american of course; in canada we prefer to label our beers with fully dressed animals or a naked satan.
J-boy, thank you for clarifying. Monkeypappa, I have had the naked satan one! It was Really Delicious! (And got me shitfaced in seconds.)
There was a beer brand sold a few years ago called Moose Drool. Now who (whom) in their right mind would find that appealing?
The first Razorlight album was actually quite good, NWM. Then they brought out that appalling "America" single, which is not a very good advert for the second album, frankly. Twaticide is fine in such a case. Indeed, even good music being played obnoxiously loud is a perfectly viable motive for twaticide.
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