Spoooooooooky. Tonight I shall find out what the future holds, and it will definitely be true, for I am going to a psychic evening at a Top London Members' Club. I have seen a psychic medium once before. My dead grandfather warned me about my teeth, one day I shall live abroad, my forties will be enormously happy and I will live until I am 86. Fact.
Whatever next? Will it be a pony or a Gigantic Cock for Christmas? Will Monkeymother's Advice Column be a hit with the kidz? Will the squirrels die, and the cat stop staring at me with death-ray eyes? Will I ever work again? And will I ever stop doing things I wouldn't normally do just because they're funny?
Heavens! What's that strange knock-knock-knocking and mysterious scraping sound? The cat is restless! I am SCARED!
Oh. It's the postman.
18 comments:
Or perhaps it will be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
frankly, i think you have all you need to know. buggered teeth, living abroad (you coming to live with me? groovy!), forties will be happy (you coming to live with me when you're forty?), dead at 86 (I'm aiming to outdo my greatgrandmother at 103). ...
BOO!
:)
Dear Nicola
Thank you for your kind warning. Happily, however, I do not believe in God, Satan, the Spirit World or homeopathy, so I should be OK.
I do however believe in the redemptive power of love, a nice cup of tea and a sit down, and good spelling.
All the best,
NWM
P.S. Not sure your argument makes logical sense, however. Within a Christian theological framework (and it's important to make the distinction here), I thought the Naughty Spirits went to burn forever with Beelzebub, the ones that had been pretty much OK went to play harps on clouds and be re-united with their favourite pets, and the ones who had been in therapy at the time of death went to Limbo.
Thoughts?
Important further distinction: I don't mean 'Limbo Dancing', I mean wafting around indecisively forever not really being sure if they are Good or Bad, not having realised that That Is Not The Point.
Aarrgh, now I can't get Limbo Dancing Spirits out of my head!
Farty! Is that your given name? Splendid! No, nor can I now.
Lucy - you may be right.
Mr Vincent - boom boom!
x
My God theology before noon on a Monday! It's one of the more annoying "ologies" isn't it? I think the new Pope is fixing limboland as we speak, he's doing away with it. Not sure if this is good news or bad as it leaves the alternatives fairly polarised.
That cock passes the BBC's "Kintyre test" on flaccid male bits and pieces, in that anything more excited that Kintyre on a map, or maybe Florida for those of you over the water, is deemed to be obscene by Auntie Beeb, and she's never wrong.
How is that Butterscotch thingy powered, by recycled methane?
Enjoy tonight!
Or perhaps it will be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Yes I know that comment was left earlier. But when a joke's as old as that, what's one more repetition between friends...?
Q. Have you got a crystal ball?
A. No, it's just the way I walk.
We're here all week, folks...
Kelvin McKenzie once told me with his own mouth (before Piers Morgan had put it in a book and that) that fired The Sun's astrologer by letter. And the letter started: "As you have no doubt foreseen..."
What I was doing having a conversation with him is Another Story Altogether. Anyway, it's not apocryphal, or howeve you spell it. It is A True Story.
I can't spell. Or indeed remember to put whole words in where they're needed. Oh well. Never mind.
Good grief!! Mystics, glass balls, giant plaster cocks, satan, cups of tea, monkey mother's advice collumn AND Piers Morgan?? How on Earth is anyone supposed to keep up with you dearest NWM?
Please do me a teensy favour - ask the Mystic Medium if i'll ever be a size 8 again and if she says no then please ask MM same....I'm sure she'll be nice to me! (Lying is fine...no really....it is!)
xxx
It is all Too Much. That is why I am seeking guidance from The Other Side. I can barely get dressed in the morning, let alone worry about what's going to happen next week.
I wouldn't bother about size 8 if I were you, unless you are very short, like under 5ft.
I'm not very short, but I was a size 8 once and it was rather nice - to quote Ms Jones "I will always be just a little bit fat" now - ah well, the gentleman caller (who is still arounf wow!) doesn't seem to mind the wobbly bits! OK how did we move onto my wobbly bits?? Cup of tea anyone?
PS. Capcha: ezzufy - are you doing this on purpose NWM?
Ooh, this is exciting. I hope you will get marvellous news and previews.
NWM, I hope she tells you about me! Otherwise I will ask Monkeymother and I'm sure she'll be just as wise.
I think you should go to an Employment Agency, and let them find you a job. But once you have the job, you have to Still Write the Blog. We won't know what to do if you don't...
Salvatore, you could have signed in as Salvatore Vincent Price just for the occasion... and apprentice, I'll never think of Florida the same way again.
Look out! It's behind you!
And...why do psychics advertise their phone numbers. If they are psychic shouldn't they know we want to talk to them and call us? One of my favorite quotes from Dad(a pessimist) was he preferred to be a pessimist and be pleasantly surprised when things worked out rather than an optimist and face disappointment.
Z - frightfully disappointing, as you will see. Did see a Proper Psychic Medium once who was Strangely Accurate, even though I Simply Do Not Believe It. I find it very interesting, curious, and not scary at all in a Sideshow Bob sort of a way. (VERY EXCELLENT Hilary Mantel book called Beyond Black on the subject which manages to be interesting, strangely moving and very funny all at the same time; but then she is a genius).
Ms B - agree about Salvatore Vincent Price. He's so thoughtless sometimes.
Martina - you have Inspired me to do something. Keep Eye on Blog. Other way of saying your father's thing:
It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive
OR EVEN BETTER
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
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