Monkeymother writes with Astonishing Stories about a exhibitionist grocer, heard over a 15-course dinner the other night. With her kind permission, I reproduce them now for your delight.
(The only background you need to know is that they live most of the time in a very small village in very rural France, where they have been for nearly 20 years. They mainly hang out with the Frenchies, smoke Gauloises and get through approx. 1 bottle of Absinthe every three days.)
STORY ONE:
"The scene: 8.30-ish one morning in the epicerie in Louzignac. Jean-Luc's grandmother turns up to buy a packet of butter. Grocer behind counter wearing his apron, as usual. Turns round to get something from shelf behind. Mamie sees he is wearing nothing under his apron, drops her pack of butter on the floor and legs it."
STORY TWO:
"Lucette (Jean-Luc's mother) used to get mussels for the grocer every week. Four weeks running, she delivered them to his door, only to be greeted by him standing there totally nude, so she dumped the mussels on the doorstep and ran. As she hadn't stopped long enough to see where he kept his loose change, he hadn't paid her for them for four weeks so, in the end, Pierrot (J-L's father) made delivery no.5, made no reference at all to the nudity, behaving as if all was normal, and reminded him that he owed for five weeks in total, with no mention of why.
By this stage, we were weeping into our napkins."
STORY THREE:
"Missed the beginning of this one but, essentially, teen-aged Catherine (Jean-Luc's sister, MM?), had gone to grocer's house for some reason, finding him there totally nude. Lucette had seen this through the window of his verandah thing and rushed up the path to rescue her child, not realising the glass door was shut. She hurled herself against it and, apparently, did a comedy, cartoon-like, cat-splat against the glass, slowly collapsing in a heap. When someone asked Catherine how she felt about all this, she told us that she wasn't complaining - then or now - about any of it.
I suspect you had to be there, but we were all on the floor by this stage."
MM ignores my repeated requests that she Starts A Blog of her own. More amusing things happen to her (particularly as she lives with my father), than they do to me and I rather think it would be for the best.
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21 comments:
Who needs those public t.v British comedy imports when you have NWM and her mother telling of their adventures! Thank you! Now I just hope there are no nightmares tonight re: nudist butchers...
Most kind, Anonymous; really it's the way MM tells 'em. I would be delighted to have a dream about a naked Gentleman Caller, though. On the other hand, I've never seen a grocer I'd want to see naked, unless you count Lord Sainsbury in his younger years.
Not sure which is funnier, the nudity or the nonchalance. I must go to Europe at some point, obviously.
Here was me thinking monkeymother was an alter-ego! I love your mum. Can we swap?
J
You couldn't make MM up. She is Real. And no you can't swap, even if you beg. (But really it's up to her to decide: you are probably nicer than me, so she may Choose You Instead.)
TL - yes, do, we're awfully amusing.
Certainly knocks Chocolat into a cocked hat.
Bet he's just allergic to mussels.
I love the smell of Gauloises, especially the yellow ones, are they mais or something?
I lied about the Gauloises. I am bad. As I remember it Monkeydada gave up smoking overnight in Paris c. 1980. Very impressive.
Honestly, you could NOT make this stuff up - this is just the half of it ... hence why I wish MM would write a blog. Or a book.
I have done that cartoon splat into a door before. It wasn't even glass. Not one of my better moments.
I'm deeply disturbed by "packets of butter." Butter comes in sticks, 4 to a box. Maybe that's why he was nekked and all...to rebel or something?
No no Lee, butter comes in 250g packs. Come now.
Not in the US of A it doesn't. They put it in sticks, and measure things in cups, so we can't reproduce their fabulous cakes and cookies because we don't understand their recipes. I think a stick is 4 ounces? So 2 sticks = slightly less than 1 pack?
What do they do in Canada, I wonder? Have they gone European (and the rest of the World, I think) in Quebec?
Don't worry, we can't reproduce our cakes or cookies bc we don't understand our recipes either. Just this weekend (I'm not making this up), my roommate had to put out an oven fire with a huge puff of baking soda while attempting to make a coconut cake. I'm pretty sure it was bc she used "packets" of butter.
Dear Lee, You have stunned me by recounting the fire-suppressing properties of baking soda. I know to put baking soda on bee stings and vinegar on vasp stings, but fire-fighting - that's amazing. Would your friend send a recipe for coconut cake? I'm sure I could translate. How big is a cup?
In my case, dear MM, and according to Rigby and Peller, a very generous E.
Yes, well, it's a bit messy as a fire-killer, but then, I suppose fire is messier. I'll ask her about the recipe. She said it was quite tasty despite all the smoke. As far as I know, a cup equals...a cup! Is it possible it could equal anything else? ;)
Dear Lee, I don't think you make many cakes, do you?
NWM - naughty monkey. EE chez nous, so there.
Yes, yes, I suppose that could be correct. Not too much into the cake making...or baking...or in our home, fire-starting.
1 Cup = about 13 UK Tablespoons or 236ml or 2/5th's of a pint
Should be accurate enough to make a cake with..?
You guys! A cup = 8 fluid ounces. You can measure it with any Pyrex measuring jug where they give ounces up the side. Ikea also sell mesuring cups that are more like scoops.
Nigella Lawson is great for converting American. UK and EU measurements - because she has such a cosmopolitan family, I guess - and the American food Bible "The Joy of Cooking" has many comprehensive charts too, or at least used to. I do know that one tablespoon is equal to three teaspoons (which are 5ml), and one ounce (fluid) equals two tablespoons.
Here in Baroque Mansions we're all for more cakes in the world.
I was, sort of, joking about the cup, but thank you all very much for caring.
ACTUALLY I am VERY PLEASED to have this information as I have a very nice American cookbook that I haven't been able to use thus far.
I salute you with my cups.
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