Monday, October 02, 2006

Day 85: I Think You Should Buy This Book

This is a book written by my new internet friend, Dave Roberts. (Not that sort of friend. Internet Friend. Anyway, he's married and lives in New Zealand and that's too far for even me).

It is very good, as it goes. It is particularly funny if you have ever done internet dating, or been on a chat room and that. (I haven't, but it's not for want of trying; I just couldn't make the thing work.) Also, he is poor and has a mortgage to pay, and you can get it for 20% off on the Amazon thing.

I do not carry advertising and never will. (If I wanted to make money out of advertising, I would be working.) I will however tell you about things that are good and that you should buy, and things that are not good and that you shouldn't buy:

Things that are good and that you should buy

1. E-Luv by Dave Roberts
2. A Vicious Circle by Amanda Craig
3. Staying Alive and Being Alive which is poetry and that but not wanky, published by Bloodaxe
4. Janey Dry Spot Remover (a miraculous product that sucks greasy stains out of clothes)
5. Body Shaper opaque tights from M&S (hold you in and take a stone off for only £3.99)
6. Bras from Rigby and Peller (very expensive but make you look thinner and nice when naked, so worth it)
7. Cava and Prosecco instead of champagne (cheaper and nicer I think. Lidl do a Prosecco in a blue bottle for £2.99)
8. Laura Mercier tinted moisturiser (expensive, but lasts for months)
9. Rimmel black liquid eyeliner (cheap AND brilliant)
10. Lipstick from Elizabeth Arden (really, it's the best - and it lasts for ages on your mouth and ages generally)
11. Own-brand in-wash stain removers (the white powder stuff - it works)
12. Vogel's bread (I like the one with linseed in)
13. Thom Yorke's record
14. Expensive socks
15. Limelite bath cleaning stuff, that makes the caked on calcium stuff fizz and drop off (worth a go just to watch)
16. Train tickets off the GNER site, which offers weirdly cheap tickets to all over the United Kingdom at perfectly reasonable times of day.

Things that are not good, and that you should not buy

1. Cillit Bang
2. Tights from Boots
3. Oatibix
4. Records by twats
5. Pepper grinders from supermarkets
6. Socks in packs of 10 from H&M
7. G-strings in your size. Get the next size up. Then they don't cut in. Not that I wear them; I look like a twat in them. I buy pants like mens' pants, but for ladies.
8. Ladies' shaving foam for your legs and that. Use cheap conditioner instead.
9. Waxing, electrolysis, etc. Laser hair removal a) works; and b) is expensive but works out cheaper. But only do it at the Harley Medical Clinic. They've got Powerful Lasers that render you hair-free in seconds and it doesn't hurt at all.
10. Cheap chocolate. I have had the same bar of dark chocolate in my fridge for 2 weeks. You only need one square. After one square you can't face it again for days.
11. Books by Celia Aherne, who actually and literally cannot write
12. Porsche Cayennes
13. Nuts to give to squirrels
14. Jamie Oliver-branded kitchen implements
15. Food with a face on it (e.g. Ainsley Harriott, Loyd Grossman).


COMING SOON: Non-workingmonkey's Handy Household Hints. No. 1: All you really need is a bottle of washing up liquid: any greasy stains will be magically removed by a light application on the troublesome spot in question before insertion in the washing machine. It's true.

15 comments:

philip said...

Do you ever worry about the ethics of getting a cheap book off Amazon when you know the authour is poor and has a mortgage?

Do you think the evil publisher says - here (BIG CHEQUE) are the royalties from the full price sales and here (HANDFUL OF SMALL COINS) are the roylaties from Amazon?

I suppose it's no good wasting crisp money on overpriced books though

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Book selling ethics = not my concern, for the Dave links to the Amazon himself. And I am sure that he will tell us if he finds it a worry.

As for me - well, I rarely buy new books. I get 'em second had off Abe if there's something specific I want, or buy stuff I like the look of in charity shops. Don't buy much off Amazon either unless I can't find it anywhere else.

Ah me.

apprentice said...

I'm with NWM, clearly the author doesn't have an issue with Amazon. It's probably a case of either selling a very few a full price or quite a few at discount. My friend is a published writer and has just agreed to Te scos selling her stuff, in the hope that shed loads at discount might add up to a few more pennies.

I too buy second hand, but just occasionally when I really, really can't wait I'll buy new, sometimes even in hardback. But I've given up crisps and chocolate, and many other things beginning with "C".

Anyway it's only Monday, too early in the week to be quite so grumpy.

philip said...

It was meant to be inquisitive not accusative.

It was just that I was reading a reveiw of a book yesterday - its published price was £25. I look for it on amazon it was £12.50.

Made me wonder, thats all.

Good luck to your writer friend - whats the book?

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Fear not, I knew you weren't being accusative - I am completely confused by books (e.g. why don't Tesco sell any good ones) and their prices. And that is why I steal them from other peoples' houses when invited round for dinner.

philip said...

Positively the last sock related post (maybe)

http://www.sockrush.com/

They do the ones with the coloured toe bits too

Indigo said...

Coo, useful list. Must try that Limelite stuff - I've been using pumice stone, like Kim and Aggie tell you to, and it takes blinking ages. I got bored and gave up, long before I had got rid of the accumulated limescale in the bath.

In return, may I suggest two more for the must-buy list:

calendula - almost miraculous cream for minor cuts and sores, practically makes skin.

arnica - cream for bruises (do not use if skin is broken), it dissolves the bruise in a way that is truly miraculous. I once turned my ankle very badly, jumping onto the station platford from the guards van while holding a heavy cast-iron bicycle; I put arnica all over my foot and ankle when I got home: the bits I missed (around my toes) went all colours of the rainbow but the area on which I had put arnica didn't.

Indigo said...

platform (not platford)

Amanda Mann said...

I grew up in Croydon, Thornton Heath Pond's a hidden gem you should ask your friend about.

I love your list. Thank you. Amanda Craig, bodyshaper tights, Lidl's Prosecco and esp Eliz Arden lipstick all noted. But Oatbix in the nono's, did I miss something?? I thought you were their No. 1 PR.

apprentice said...

Sorry Philip, it was me that was grumpy. Never good in the mornings ;( Morning would be on my don't do list. I'm always stiff and sore 'til I get up and moving around.

See Debs books at: www.deborahjmiller.com
She writes fantasy, and Tescos were experimenting with the genre. She had David Gemell as a mentor until his recent demise.

philip said...

http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/gr8ape/T-shirts.html

Buy a Monkey shirt and be happy!

I saw their stall at Greenwich Market yesterday - made me think of NWM

M said...

I am such a SAP! I had a look at Dave's site and the first thing I saw....an empty fridge! I felt so sorry for him I immediately ordered the book - it bloody well better be good!
Will try conditioner instead of shaving gel thingy - can't hurt?
xx

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Beautiful love back between M and Apprentice. These things make me happy.

M - you did the right thing. You will be glad you bought it. It's awfully good.

Dave said...

Can I belatedly join the Amazon debate long after everyone else has lost interest and say that I really don't care where people buy e-luv from, as long as they buy it. I am told that Amazon don't pay less than any other large retailer for books - they make their money from postage. M - thank you for buying the book. I can now put some food in the fridge.

Jack Henson said...

Talking of socks?

I just subscribed myself to a service similar to the one you mentioned, looks great , cant wait to get them!

the website is

www.subsock.co.uk

cheers Jack

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