One day, a twat; the next, not a twat.
Strengths
Paints front gate without being asked
Keen to weed the front garden
1 x use of washing machine = 1 x bottle of (admittedly a bit shit) free wine
Generally cheerful
Clean
Tells me my food smells nice
Buys new front doormat without being asked
Weaknesses
Cuts down MY plants in MY front garden without asking me
Stamps about on his technically-illegal laminate floorboards
Plays fuck-awful music (Keane, Coldplay, Zero 7, unidentifiable 'dance' music)
Slams the front door
Lives with a cretin
Is 27, works in the City and owns a £250,000 flat
Knocks on my door shitfaced at 1.30 in the morning, eats toast, drinks the can of beer he has brought with him, tells me my back garden is 'a disgrace and embarrassing', smokes H's fags, is rude about my peanut butter and tells me to get the windows cleaned
Looks a bit weird, like a baby with an old man's face on
Wears weird pants when he does sport
Owns at least 15 stripey shirts.
I will strike a deal with him. If he stops being an annoying twat, I will allow him to carry on living. I don't think I'm being unfair.
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8 comments:
Total twat. Show no mercy.
Sounds like a twat to me.
Judging by the banging currently going on, and the fact that he has STUDIOUSLY avoided me today (despite the fact that he should be knocking on my door and apologising for being a twat), and the ENORMOUSLY LOUD Stone Roses he is playing, he is definitely - and beyond a shadow of a doubt - a twat. Luckily, the roof is leaking, and the roof is for him to pay for.
Dya think he might fancy you? After all, you're pretty damn sexy...for a monkey!
Urgh I fucking well hope not. He asked me if I'd ever experienced ladylove, which I thought was a strange question to ask your neighbour who is 9 years older than you, whilst eating her peanut butter. That is not a euphemism.
I think I might have to come and smack him hard when I get home. He obviously needs knocking into some other shape. I blame his mother. Mind you, painting the gate and tidying up the front garden were a good idea.
Most decidedly a twat.
Him: Yah, hur hur, heard you driving up the other day playing MADONNA.
Me: Yes?
Him: I mean, MADONNA?
Me: Yes. The radio does not always play music I like.
Him: Hur hur, MADONNA?
Me: Do you want to be 'touched for the very first time?'
Him: Hur?
Me: Bye.
NWM - Just kill him - I'm sure you can find another neighbour who would oblige for a small sum.
E-CF - am still waiting to hear when and where we are all going on holiday together. I've polished my passport.
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