Today I shall take a large pumpkin in my hands, walk to the end of my road, get on the 59 bus, get off outside the Old Vic in Waterloo, go inside, seek out Kevin Spacey and place my large pumpkin over his head with some force. If my plan works, we will not be able to hear his voice or see his face any more. He will therefore no longer able to conduct unspeakably self-regarding interviews on the Television and the Radio, pose for his disgustingly smug publicity photographs that are then plastered all over London and that I have to look at with my eyes, or talk about his "craft" at press conferences. I not care if "at heart", he has "always been a stage actor." I do not care if he thinks London is his spiritual home. I do not care if it is a privilege for him to work at the Old Vic. I want him to go away, taking his stupid creepy now-slightly-British accent away with him.
Do not put comments on this post telling me he is a good actor. I am aware that he is good at pretending to be someone else. But the man is a knob*, and nothing you can say can convince me otherwise.
* He is not interesting enough to be called a 'cunt', and isn't stupid so can't be called a 'twat'. Knob seems about right.
18 comments:
I'm not trying to stop you, but generally, when one gets an idea to attack celebrities with produce, one shouldn't blog about it.
That's how people get caught.
Also, don't post photos of you and the pumpkin to your MySpace page, okay?
Post Duplication Alert !!!
Post Duplication Alert !!!
Move away from London.
There is no sign of him in deepest, darkest Somerset.
Who is he, anyway? ;)
you is dead proper funny.
I heard him on Start The Week, all the lovies love him. I'm neutral, but then I'm not in London. And pumpkin are not cheap, shame to waste it on him. He'd probably just take it off and do a bit of Hamlet to it anyway.
Johhnyboy made me spit laugh with his two posts.
Mist - why? WHY? Will strange men want to touch me?
J-Boy - thank you darling. I was obviously so Incensed by the knobber I posted and ran away fast puffing on my pipe.
Andre - Hello and welcome. Cup of tea? You are too kind. For you, also I give you a Bourbon Biscuit.
Anxious - I am TRYING, goddammit. I'm TRYING. Anything to get away from Spacey.
Apprentice - Johnnyboy seems to be quite amusing, from what I can gather. Also good point re. pumpkin but they'll be on a BOGOF tomorrow so I might do it then.
PS having just eaten an oatcake, I am delighted to report that word verification is OTIAKE, which is more or less the same.
I think that the main issue with The Spacey - who I would contend is a bellend rather than a knob - is that he's always got that irritating crinkliness around the eyes as if he's inwardly laughing at one of his own jokes which, as we all know, is my trick and not to be copied!
I can't help thinking that, seasonal though it is, a pumpkin might not have the correct pH to sting his smug little eyes and that a freakishly large GM lemon might be the more apposite fruit.
Hey, and you haven't even heard my Jacques Chirac impersonation, done in farts. I garantee, not a dry keyboard in the house.
J-Boy - please record sound file and email immediately.
The rest I am stil digesting.
do you know what tho? we SO owe kevin spacey. we owe him a special big favour for his giving to the world:
a) the delusion that any one of us could run the national theatre and:
b) the delusion that, when you get caught on hampstead heath (or wherever) at 4am on a saturday morning (or a sunday) and your wallet is missing, and you are a bit drunk (or whatever) and ring the police, you can simply tell the independent on monday morning that you were 1) tired and 2) walking your dog and then mugged, and it'll all be fine.
c) american beauty which, despite it all, was aces.
i may have given this too much thought. sorry.
Surly girl. As it goes I agree with everything you say. He was jolly good in American Beauty and also the film about the man with the weird name. But mainly I agree with (a) and (b), particularly (a). I mean if i catch the twat (and Apprentice, hearing him on start the week when half asleep is what started this all off) cocking on about it ... no, I will stop. Now.
Mikey - also correct. That insincere crinkling of the eyes my nut in. Loads of men do it. They crinkle their eyes without smiling. There is Nothing Going On Behind Their Eyes and it is rubbish. Spacey I reckon practises it in front of the mirror of a night because (as you so rightly observe), he is a bellend. (Or is it knobber?) Men doing that because they reckon it makes them look foxy is like women pouting over the age of 27.
Davenelli, what have you been eating?
does my nut in, I should have said. In fact that whole last comment was the work of an Illiterate.
You've got him all wrong. He's not Spacey. He is Keyser Söze.
I don't know how I missed this post yesterday, but I thought a little (if belated) support wouldn't go amiss. The man is, indeed, a knob. Did you hear about him putting a flap by the stage door of the Old Vic, so he can sign autographs without having to mingle with the (misguided) plebs who go and see his shows? Sad knob.
J-Boy: 10/10 for a) gag and b) correct punctuation.
Red- thank you for that. It Proves My Point Entirely. (And it is never too late to join the Anti-Spacey league.)
Viva french keyboard + imdb !
CHEAT! You'll be looking up "heavens to Murgatroyd" on Wikipedia next. Tut tut. All information has to be from Own Brain, unless checking way in which Catherine the Great died (of heart attack in bath at age of 67, not crushed by a horse when the harness attaching her to it broke. She wasn't on top, as it were.)
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