I once got caught on the M25 going in the wrong direction for three hours. That was three weeks after I'd torn the right wing of my car off for the second time, and a month before I had to have the clutch replaced. Nevertheless, I fancy myself as generally an OK driver, which allows me to treat middle-lane hoggers with disdain (my word! A positive cavalcade of them out today, all going at 60mph in the middle lane, until they moved into the fast lane and went at 65mph), call random pedestrians twats, and flash my lights imperiously when the need arises.Anyway, my small, reliable, slightly boring car gives me great pleasure. It allows me to travel about the place chirpily, drive with one finger unless I am transporting a member of my family (in which case I concentrate jolly hard and read the Highway Code the night before), and listen to the music very loudly on the really awfully good steer-eee-Oh that comes fitted as standard (along with a "keyless entry system", "see-home lights", air conditioning, strangely-shaped storage spaces in unusual places, and a mirror where you wouldn't expect it).
But it has been smelling less than fresh recently. There was the incident involving the salmon I left in the shop (but in fact left in the boot for a week), the cheese from Neal's Yard Dairy ferried briefly across town on Friday, the cup of coffee that went mainly on me but slightly on the floor on Monday, and something to do with lemons that I do not remember buying. All of these added up to a strange and unsavoury fug.
They had those tree things on speshul offer in Tesco yesterday. I grasped at the packet wildly and wondered if it could solve my problem. There was a green one, a yellow one, and a blue one. I chose the blue one, put it on the car and drove up the M1, shouting all the way. It was awful, and made me gag a bit. But I was late, and there were hoggers to shout at, and when I got to my destination I forgot to remove the stinky tree.
I got in the car at three this afternoon. Something smelt bad. Worse than sick, worse than the worst smell you can imagine. But the car wouldn't start. It did, and then it stalled. It did this thing twelve times, and then I realised I was in third gear. I started again and drove off without further incident. Such was my relief that I forgot about the smell for a bit; then it hit me round the face with its stinky evil. I stopped, ripped the blue tree off my rear-view mirror and hurled it into a roadside bin many feet from the car. My hands smelt of it. I scratched my nose. My nose smelt of it. I drove for a bit, and ruffled my hair; my hair smelt of it. I drove from Junction 18 of the M1 all the way back to Brixton with the windows open on both sides, leaving a plume of vile-smelling air behind me. But still the car stinks. I stink. Everything stinks of Magic Tree Bouquet.
If there is a Magic at work with Magic Trees, it is a Dark Magic. But I blame myself: I know for a fact that the only people who use Magic Trees are chainsmoking minicab drivers and geriatrics who shouldn't really be allowed on the road. But what else can I do? Clean the car?
14 comments:
Darn, I saw a monkey print oilcloth bib at a store and didn't get it for you. It could have helped to prevent any food spills in your car if you wore the bib. It even had a pouch to catch crumbs...
Anonymous, you continually break my heart. You promise so much; raise hopes; make my heart sing .... then... nothing.
There's almost certainly some mum-remedy for the stinky car problem. I am unaware of the detail, but feel sure that it will consist of either bicarbonate of soda, lemon juice, or vinegar.
Unless another correspondent here has a wise woman on hand to prescribe the exact recipe I suggest you sprinkle the abovementioned ingredients in a circle around your car on or around the nearest gibbous moon.
Excellent advice, as ever. You should write a book. Oh ...
clean the car? don't do it.
I use the salami/cheese curing method.. wait until the car forms a crust of mould (inside or outside) and then just peel it off. usually this doesn't need to be done hanging from a tree (like the salami), but it might help.
What wise correspondents you have. I read Honest John, I think (yes, I know we all hate the DT, but your Father will buy it on Saturday), who said that to get rid of a bad smell, put bowls of vinegar in your car. I suppose the risk is that you will smell as if you work in a pickle factory for a while, but it might be worth it. I think he also said tht you should wash stains with bicarbonate of soda. On the other hand, Lucretia Pepper's idea .....
P.S. Put Post-it note on steering wheel to remind you to remove bowls before driving.
P.P.S. Is it possible that the wonderful Mikey has equally dubious reading habits?
NWM: don't be despondent. I did send you a very nice monkey themed card last Friday. *so much for being anonymous
A few years ago I saw a room deodorizer on sale at the local hardware store. Wish I had purchased it because it was labelled "Stockyard Strength"
p.s. don't you hate it when Mom has all sorts of suggestions? I misread at first and thought she said remove bowels before driving...probably a good idea anyway.
Do not attempt to get rid of smell. Ghastly Blue Tree odor will quickly fade to a subtle linger, and will then fuse with the remnants of Deaf Fish + Neal Cheese + Alien Lemon, as will all future odoriferous misshaps, thus resulting in an entirely unique olfactory combination which will mean one thing: This Is My Car. Such things are important. Dogs don't lick their smell off their butts, do they ? That horror they sell commercially as "Lemon-Scented Freshness" is the smell of Death.
I think it would be more useful to remove bladder than bowels.
You could try Neutradol which, apparently, absorbs the smell rather than masks it with a deadly and asthma-inducing pong. I have used it successfully. Better than resorting to car cleaning, anyway.
I will try cleaning my car. It is the Only Way. I have realised it. On the other hand, I could try paying someone else to clean my car. Now we're talking.
Z - I hear the same thing about Neutradol.
MM - Honest John is a genius. You can find more of him at www.honestjohn.co.uk. I suspect he is probably right.
J-Boy - you say that NOW. I know that all kinds of air fresheners are wrong and they make me feel sick inside h ouses and that, so why should it be different in my car? Sigh.
Mikey's right. You can get rid of smells with bicarbonate. You can put bowls - or, beetter yet, containers from the shop - of bicarbonate in the car, & the smells will go, & it will be much less scary than vinegar when you go round corners. I like to think I'm quite wise, & this has worked for me. (Once, the ex-ex Mr Baroque left a half-eaten lobster paella - oh, yes he did - in my good Le Creuset saucepan, with the lid on, and went away for a solid week. It took nerves of steel, but when I finally dared to address the situation, bicarbonate did in fact render the pan as good as new. It was a Household Miracle.)
Neutradol is the spray of the devil, the smell of it is so awful it makes me nauseus. But I may just be sensitive.
Dearest Ms B, Bicarb it is. I will obviously report back.
I agree re. all kinds of fake smells. If I have things that Smell in my house, it is candles made of lavender plucked by virgin goats in Provence before 4am.
Ah yes, driving around with loose white powder in open containers - always a good idea. I've heard it absorbs odors even better if you leave it on a small palm-sized mirror.
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