Hot news. I saw a dead squirrel yesterday in the grassy bit at the end of my road. I thought it was just a happy fluke, but no. A friend in North London (which might as well be the Outer Hebrides and so therefore provides a sound Research Base), writes with the sensational news that she too has seen a dead squirrel, but this time lying limply beneath a tree.
Today Noel-The-Gardener did NOT finish my garden. Darkness fell, and he'd spent too much time telling me the difference between Manfred Mann and Manfred Mann and the Earth Band. I shall post the evidence tomorrow when it is Light, but I thought I'd end up with a sort of Changing Gardens stylee Zen Gardo-Fest. Instead I have no plants, a 6ft pile of bits of dead stuff, a television aerial, a Teletubbies football, three empty coke cans, 123 fag butts and 1.34m monkey nut cases. (And no, I'm not 'feeling the vibe', Noel. Not anymore.)
Which mad old lady puts monkey nuts out? Who thinks that feeding squirrels and pigeons is a good idea? It is not. However, from what I can gather, the squirrels are dying. With any luck, they'll be dying in their droves. I realise that I won't have anything to do if I can't stand by my kitchen window shouting "fuck OFF, you frondy-tailed cunt" all afternoon, but suddenly the pile of debris where my lawn used to be doesn't seem so bad after all.
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17 comments:
Yes rodents with tails, and they're chasing off the shy retiring red ones - see ginger people know how to behave ha!
Aberdeen are culling the wee grey b@satards to stop their progress north, a sort of feral Bannockburn.
Oct/Nov is not really prime make-over time, unless you live on the Equator - it will be splendid, with a capital S in the Spring. Meanwhile draw the curtains till at least early April. Or ask Noel about all year round colour, like asters, and cotoneaster, and smoke bush, and Japenses acers and things. But for these you will need hard currency and a visit to the garden centre which will be awash with clove scented pot pourri or maybe Easter eggs.
Put the nut shells on the compost heap -what do you mean you don't have one, or a wormery.
Did you hear Woman's Hour yesterday -you can go on a "Master Composter" course - bet it's shite.......
Am I the only one who likes grey squirrels? They remind me of my childhood, yes, they wrecked the bins, but I loved the way they skited up the trees. Please send Noel to me, he is a gem. You could have a sub-blog: ASK NOEL, you could pass on readers' questions. Myself, I'm wondering if you're supposed to rake the leaves off the grass or leave them be, someone said they keep the ground warm.
i have decided to live my swearing life vicariously through you, monkey, as I cant say the c word on my blog... I'm scared of my mother writing me her out of the will. frondy tailed cunt. sigh a happy sigh.
Apprentice, this is truly Excellent advice that I will Listen To, as I have huge gaps now in my beds. As it were. I am planning a trip to the Garden Centre at some point and will take this list with me.
NMJ (you look so pretty in your photograph - lovely you), wait and see if you still want Noel's 'services' once I've posted the photograph of Current State, followed by Finished State on Monday. He is worth getting round though just for the stories. I think he smokes a lot of dope.
Mist1 - I am very fucking articulate, but only if swearing is involved. Please note: that wasn't even to a person. It was to a squirrel. The funniest insult I ever heard was: YOU STINKING FUCKBAG. I think this is an MM story so I will let her interject if the Urge Takes Her.
Lucretia (is that a true likeness of you? I think not!), please feel free to post the word 'cunt' whenever you like. If the urge is really strong, you can email it to me too. My mother dislikes me using it too loudly, but my father's nickname is Pappacunty, and I have a gift tag from a Christmas present years ago signed in this way WITH HIS OWN HAND. It is one of my favourite things. (They were tolerant parents. Perhaps the theory was that if they didn't tell us not to do something, then we wouldn't want to do it. We never rebelled, but we do swear a lot, and my brother is coming out of the Priory late 2009.)
Oh and NMJ - Apprentice will know the answer to your question, I betcha. She is Gardening Whizz.
No NMJ rake them off or get some to do it. They will rot and form a horrid cakled layer that will choke off the light to said lawn. If you've loads put them in black bags pricked with a few holes and keep for a year or two and you'll get fab leaf mould. Don't add to compost as they take much longer than everything else to rot down.
Stay of lawn if poss in winter as it gets compacted when wet and soggy. Spring lawn care to follow lol!
the likeness is pretty close. except the glasses. mine are brown.
i think i love your family.
NWM: thanks for your sweet compliment, i confess the photo is almost three years old, just BEFORE 40 one... & i agree with lucretia P, it is healthy & wonderful you are unshackled & can use the C word freely on your blog, i can do the F one, but not the C one unless it is has an asterisk, even though i use both rather too much in real life...
apprentice: you are an angel with that advice, you & noel should team up & answer questions on NWM's sub-gardening blog that i propose.
NMJ and Apprentice - I'm keeping Noel out of this until Monday lunchtime. I am not joking. (He raked the leaves up though so maybe all is Not Lost.)
Lucretia - you only hear the good bits on here, that's all I'm sayin'.
Dear NWM and friends,
This all seems excellent advice all round.
Someone I worked with - very amusing, rather camp - was once so frustrated and enraged that "stinking fuckbag" exploded into the office. He was rather surprised at himself, which made it all the funnier. That's all.
I come here just for these breaths of fresh air. The story in my family - in stark contrast to MM's cheerful swearing and bra-cup-bragging - was when my cousin , aged 12, exploded a firecracker in a bottle (yes) right next to his eye (he's all right - but then he would be, he's 40 now). On hearing the news from my grandmother, my mother said, as one might: "Oh, shit." Reports were of a protracted and lengthy silence on the other end of the phone, in which both my grandmother and my poor mother digested the enormity of what had just happened (& I don't mean my cousin).
Thus, every time I find the f word popping out in conversation I feel like the Black Sheep of the Baroque family... though I do normally swear like a flipping trooper.
NMW, you clearly hate squirrels in a completely healthy way, as is right. Where I grew up they also carry rabies.
Of course I meant MWM! I have yet to post a comment anywhere, on any blog, that doesn't have a typo or other mistake in it. Except this one, I hope.
Argh.
Ms B, I am weak with laughter. Thank you. I only really comment on other peoples' blogs when I'm drunk, which is probably ill-advised. I like your spectacles, by the way.
Lucretia, I am glad you are Satisfied with your response. I always forget half the stories so just as well MM is to hand to fill in the (funnier) gaps.
ah, rabid squirrels, now those would have me screaming, but the ones up here in scotland are quite innocent, no frothing at the mouth.
The Outer Hebrides? I live there, mate - the island of Berneray to be specific.
I can confirm that there are no squirrels here. This may be connected withe the near-total absence of trees.
We've got cracking beaches, though; here's some pictures
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