Regular readers will be aware that I share my plush one-bedroom apartment in London's fashionable Brixton with a stupid fat bastard cat, pictured here. I am reluctant to write about him, for I have no truck with people who think their animals are human, or put pictures of cute animals about the place with gay abandon. But I have decided to get rid of him. He vexes me greatly, and it seems that I have started trying to hold conversations with him. This means he must Go, and Fast.Last night, for example, I was doing something else (searching "How to extinguish a bush fire ten point drill", since you don't ask), and he just GOT IN THE WAY.
CAT: Squeak
Me: Shut up.
CAT: Squeak
Me: Shut UP
CAT: Squeak
Me: SHUT UP
CAT: Squeak
Me: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.
Time passes.
CAT (small voice): squeak.
Me: Fair point. It is supper time.
CAT: Squeak.
Time passes. I remove the low-cal cat food from the Free Tin I got from the deaf Scottish woman on Streatham Hill, and feed the cat. He pushes my hand out of the way. The food goes on the floor.
Me: You could at least show some manners.
CAT: Crunch. Squeak. Crunch.
Look, I hate cats and I don't think he's very happy, especially not since I killed his uncle with Penne al Arrabiata. So I'm offering him up to a new home (one without children in, if you want them to remain unscarred both physically and emotionally).
Basic Information
Fat, astonishingly stupid, evil green eyes. About 14 years old. Weighs about 10 stone. Comes up to the middle of my calf. Clean arse. Cannot make usual cat sounds, will destroy your furniture and try and get into bed with you ONLY if you have a Gentleman Caller in the house. Bites feet. Wakes you up in the morning merely by walking. Can jump.
Only redeeming feature: is called Monster.
3p, or nearest offer. Must collect.
And no, he's not 'sweet' or 'cute' and no, I HONESTLY don't "love him really". He's yours if you want him.
8 comments:
I would probably consider taking him off your hands if I lived a bit nearer. I've brought difficult cats over from the dark side before...
Right, off to my own blog to see if I can find more cat pictures to post, just for the hell of it. :)
Wendy! You KNOW I don't mean you lovely people. Are you sure you don't want him? I'll drive him up. Or put him in the post.
Well he LOOKS human, in a cat sort of a way, and he is all black so must be lucky (have you tried wishing when he crosses your path)? I would oblige and take him off you but a) my cat wouldn't appreciate it b) I sense a kind of karmic connection between the two of you c) it's very enjoyable reading about you and him :)
Oh no thank you very kindly. Better keep pussus maximus. He may protect you from nasty people.
I'm very tempted [esp. as I'd get to meet you if you drove up here to bring him!] but I think I've got to decline as we are at saturation point, mogs-wise, at the moment, with three resident, plus one semi resident. Any more than that, and they all go neurotic and start doing anti social things. Well, *more* anti social things than they do already...
Would Twatboy take Monster? It would be a way of punishing him for all the noise...
Is Cat content to wander aimlessly in a flat several storeys up where he wouldn't be able to wander and miaow and do cat things to other cats outdoors? And put up with the ramblings of a Non-Working Northern flatmate while I'm at work?
What book is he reading?
Oh look alright he's OK really, but I do worry about him a bit.
He is reading Modern Toss (www.moderntoss.com), which both he and I enjoy together in front of the EastEnders omnibus on Sunday afternoon.
Fwengibola, if you have crisps, he will be fine. Want him?
Wendy - Oh GO ON.
Sparrow - Welcome and thank you for your kind words. You could have him dead and make a hat out of him? Any good?
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