It used to give me proper pleasure to see "Five items or fewer" by the express-basket-till. It was guaranteed at M&S and Waitrose. I mean you'd expect Tesco and Asda to say "Five items or less" and that, but not M&S. Not them. They seemed to care, even when things were bad. B.T. (Before Twiggy, and that strange Irish woman who appears to be having boring sex whilst talking about chocolate pudding), they did nice food and that and had polite people at the till, commenting on your very wise choice of pant-purchase. ("If you pop round there there's some lovely pants* for a pound.") It was reliable, was M&S, even if you only bought pants and food from them. You believed that they had Standards that they would Maintain; that they cared; that if you were in grave danger, somehow they would be able to help. Now they're all up themselves and modern and that. I nearly bought some very high heeled bright red patent shoes from there yesterday, but realised I looked like a pig on stilts auditioning for an am-dram production of The Wizard of Oz, so I bought a coat instead. (This is not a joke. I wanted a very long, very fitted, very plain black coat. Not a swing coat, or an ill-fitting coat, or a double-breasted coat. A painfully plain coat, reminiscent perhaps of Omar Sharif in a blizzard, to be worn with long boots and red lipstick whilst squinting into a sudden squall.) And I got it at the Marks and Spencer for £110, which is a Good Investment, but not Daft, along with some white vests (not thermal ones; you know, the strappy ones to wear under things in a peepy way), some grey 'sweat pants' for wearing to the Gymnasium, and TEN PAIRS OF SOCKS FOR SIX POUNDS TO REPLACE ALL THE SINGLE SOCKS. (Do forgive the shouting. It was Thrilling, to say the least.)
I was quite excited. I mean it felt right, what with me being middle aged and all, to buy an overcoat from M&S. But then I went to the food hall to buy some food, and walked past the express-basket-till, and saw this abomination. And my heart fell. Standards are obviously slipping: I won't be surprised if my coat falls apart by Christmas.
* For Readers From The Americas: "Pants" are knickers. Underwear. Things that protect your ladygarden from the chill, or builders seeing things they shouldn't when you are overcome by a sudden gust of wind when wearing Stevie Nicks-style skirts. "Panties" is a horrible word (and goes with moist, soiled linen, thinly sliced and portion, not necessarily used together, although the combination could be fascinating).
9 comments:
You are not alone. I was utterly bewildered in July, as follows:
Shivering, I scurry back to M&S for a sandwich.
There, the despicable sneering pedant in me is gratified to see a sign correctly proclaiming a queue for five items or fewer. But, bewilderingly, this is accompanied by a translation: "five items or less." Why? WHY?
I see now that it was part of a handover.
I didn't use my M&S card for so long that they cancelled it, and then asked for it back, cut into little pieces. I wrote back, explaining that I had thrown it away (cut up, of course) long ago and I thought they were being rather patronising. They replied, unamused, offering to take it up as an official complaint. Twits, I thought.
But the socks sound good. Were they Cotton Rich?
I am not surprised. I first noticed this aberration in Hammersmith a few weeks ago, but felt that it was an aberration that would be corrected by Head Office in the Twinkling of an Eye. Fat chance.
I suppose they don't want me buying fewer cakes so I get less fat?
PCB - you share my pain.
Z - correct! By the till, in packs of five. Desperately exciting.
MM - No. They want you to buy cake. Cake is good.
The caramel shortbreads come highly recommended
You are inspiring. I shall make more use of my camera now and take pictures of things.
I cleared out my attic/office all day yesterday and stopped for frequent roll-up and coffee breaks to read the entire blog written by the Barry from Norfolk bloke. Wonderful. I would never have finished the job if it hadn't been for him keeping me up here.
This is the non-anonymous person who must sort out their password and get back in here.
and vests are camisole type garments-not like the tank tops that Onslow wears on Keeping up Appearances.
Yes EXACTLY Martina. When bought in the right size, they can even be Very Slightly Saucy. (Am I alone in thinking Keeping Up Appearances is very, very funny?)
Dearest Anonymous, how nice to hear from you again. Surely the password cannot be that complicated? I hope not. And what is the URL for Barry from Norfolk? You are a Terrible Tease!
Five items or less bugs me, too, and I'm appalled that M&S are going down this road.
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