A dear friend (who is very lovely, and has eyes like Minstrels and long brown hair), is emigrating to Australia. She is not a convict, but has to move out tomorrow. We have just spent five hours moving things from her flat to someone else's in Trellick Tower (smells of cabbage), and cleaning. Today, I have:
1. Breathed in some Mr Muscle oven cleaner, twice
2. Accidentally licked a Parazone bleach cube whilst opening it with my teeth
3. Squirted Cillit Bang limescale remover in my face
4. Wiped down my sweaty brow with a Flash bathroom wipe
5. Poured bleach on my foot
6. Got some unspeakably strong kitchen de-greaser in my eye, which made me cry.
Apparently you can do all cleaning ever with a lemon and a pint of brown vinegar, but they didn't have any in the shops.
My neighbour just came down. He is very nice indeed*, and has bought a new mat for the front door and some paint to paint the gate with. I looked at him and said: " What gate? We've got a gate? WHERE? A gate?". I feel a bit weird.
* I wrote a mean post about people like him last night that was lost and then found, but I take it all back so I'm not going to post it. It was shit anyway. Although I do stand by what I said about Lily Allen.
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5 comments:
and they say those things are dangerous. they know nothing. i regularly drench myself in a cocktail of cillit bang and sulphuric acid (when I am forced into housework) and I'm okay. hic.
Franco, Franco, Franco. Do go away.
Cillit Bang broke my cooker. This is neither a funny story nor a cautionary tale. Well, it is a bit cautionary. If you have an electric hob-thing (not the coils that turn red but the other sort)DO NOT USE CILLIT BANG. My hob-things EXPLODED and all my knobs have dropped off. This is not a euphamism.
Next time I see him, I shall take this up with Barry Scott and shall not be in the slightest intimidated by his uncivilised shouty-ness. I do a weird thing with my eyes when I am cross. That shall show him.
I pray at the Church of Barry Scott. People say that he is a fictional invention of Ad Men, portrayed by a jobbing actor called Neil Burgess but I beg to differ. My life has direction thanks to his shouty teachings.
Why does he shout?
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