Having been reminded twice today that I am apparently a Libran, I have decided to start reading my horoscope(s). I have many things on my mind: Will I ever get a job and stop worrying about money? Will the squirrels die? Will I be travelling to a far away place sometime soon? Will the cat live beyond its fifteenth birthday, despite my best efforts? Will my parents fill their retirement spending the inheritance on a muskrat farm? And will all drivers of Porsche Cayennes die in a pile-up on the M25?
Let's see what the stars have to say!
Justin Toper, OK! Magazine
The stars give you licence to do just about anything!
I don't know what to do about anything. That's the problem. Oh well.
Dena's Life Stars, Take A Break Magazine
... That feeling of confusion will disappear leaving you plenty to smile about... If two lovers are fighting over you it's time to exit and leave them to it!
Hmm. Better. If only the confusion would go, I wouldn't be reading horoscopes. But I'm not convinced: the last time two lovers faught over me was in a car park in Swansea in 2001.
Bernard Fitzwalter ("He's spot on, you know..."), Chat Magazine
Come on, Bernie. What you got for me?
Amazing what turns up when you're not looking! You could discover something about someone you work with that'll change not just your relationship with them, but everyone else's, too.
As far as I know, I'm not working with anyone at the moment, unless I've missed the point and have in fact been going to an office every day for the last eighty days. Wrong, Bernie. Oh so very wrong.
The Daily Mail
Maybe you are finding it difficult to express your feelings for fear they will not meet a positive response.
Is that just today, or generally?
The Daily Telegraph
With the Sun and Mercury in Libra you are at your most creative, but do not take on more than you can handle, or be over optimistic about money. If you keep your feet on solid ground, you can side step a potential problem, so draw up positive new plans, but do not try to to go too far, too fast. You can solve a recent cash flow problem if you take advice from someone you rely on.
If this is me at my "most creative", I am doomed. And does "optimistic" mean "believe I can pay the mortgage next month"? The lady in the corner shop will be choosing my lottery numbers this weekend, that much I do know.
Shelley Von Strunckel, The Sunday Times
For the past several weeks, you’ve been riding the rapids, along with everybody else. Swiftly changing circumstances and equally powerful changes in the general atmosphere have made it difficult to make plans. This powerful cycle of change is finally coming to a close, and you can begin to look ahead."
If the last several weeks have been riding the rapids, God help me if anything actually happens. But what a relief - if the powerful cycle of change (?) is going to come to a close soon, I will be able to look ahead confidently to another month of watching daytime television and going to the gym. Thanks, Shell!
Russellgrant.com
Anything you tackle at this time should go well. In fact your success at some jobs you take on will exceed your expectations! The more you achieve, the more your confidence will shine. Your high spirits will spread to those around you as you encourage others to try their hand at tasks they've not had the guts to attempt in the past.
But Russell, I'm not doing anything. And if I tried to encourage anyone else to do something, they'd laugh.
Astrology.com
Combine your two favorite things: friends and art. Make some impromptu plans with friends you haven't seen in a while - hit a museum, sculpture garden or gallery crawl. It'll refresh you in all the ways you require.
Hmm. Sounds OK as it goes. Bit poncy, but OK. At least it tells me what to do.
Mystic Meg, The News Of The World
I've got a lot riding on you, baby - remember when we met in 1999 and you asked me to brush your hair?
You need to choose between love that gives you a sense of freedom and acceptance versus a possessive passion. A job or study project that links you with supportive friends helps you shine. Cousins share winning luck. A call from a faraway relative brings good news.
I will return my aunt's phone call (is Devon a long way away?), and see my cousin, who I have been trying to avoid. The first bit sounds OK and I don't understand the rest.
Debbie Frank, The Daily Mirror
Time goes quickly when you're having fun and there's certainly a feeling of life speeding up. Events gather pace now the Moon shifts into expansive Sagittarius and on the whole you feel more positive. You may have to let go of certain activities in order to make way for something new, but that's all par for the course.
Time is going very slowly, and far too fast in very short bursts. I don't think life is speeding up, but I have got an interview next week for a job that doesn't exist. As for the activity, I take it she means watching daytime television and reading 50p novels from the Oxfam Shop on Streatham High Street?
Overall, it seems that if you too are a Libran, things are going to happen to you in the next month. Incredible! Oh, hang on - what this? "Luck takes the colour red." What?
Coming soon: I try my hand at astrology in order to pay the mortgage next month. Call my Starline on 0905 HOROSCOPE to find out more. UK calls cost £89 a minute. Not available in ROI. All calls are recorded.
7 comments:
You missed out the best one - Jonathan Cainer at http://www.cainer.com/
This week he says of you:
Why do you feel inclined to apologise? Have you made a great mistake? Before you slip too far into a spiral of regret, consider the possibility that you have something to be proud of - not ashamed of. Normally, you are quick to defend yourself against criticism. For some reason though, a degree of self-doubt has arisen and suddenly, you are beginning to believe the worst. This may not be an easy week, but it will contain a development that obliges you to completely rethink your involvement with a particular person and/or a set of circumstances. It may well be that what you thought was wrong, was right all along.
And today he says:
'What you lose on the swings, you gain on the roundabouts.' Or so they say. 'They' seem to say a lot of silly things. What do you lose on the swings - other perhaps than the contents of your pockets? And how are you supposed to regain these on the roundabouts? Presumably 'they' don't actually mean swings and roundabouts, they mean coconut shies and shooting ranges. But if they really don't know the difference why should we trust them? Ignore conventional wisdom today.
He is a god. I never leave the house before consulting Jonathan. And I don't think you should either.
I used to work in a bookshop. Mystic Meg came in to do a signing. Only one person turned up. We all made the obvious joke.
JJ - Cainer = completely fucking bonkers, and talks in an inpenetrable code that means Nothing. We both know this thing.
Dave - is like when Kelvin McKenzie fired the astrologer on The Sun (?) - you know. Same joke. I did actually touch Mystic Meg's hair, but it wasn't real.
I find that I only consult the stars when my life is in a downward spiral.
I read mine daily.
Ahh, you've also missed out the touchstone that is the Metro horoscope. Always good for guidance when sitting in the Tube. I too am a Libran and seeking that desire for balance which is our birthright.... blah blah blah
As a Libran you're always looking for harmony. But right now you're feeling somewhat unbalanced. This will soon right itself but, for the moment, try not to kill anyone.
Today's horoscope from Metro - my case is rested...
Moggy - I remember Metro from when I went to work. I am glad to see they are keeping up their high standards of quality journalism.
F - is this as bad as reading your fella's stars after you've split up to see if he's happy or not?
Post a Comment