Day 73: I Find Oatibix In Streatham

Regular readers will be aware of my recent struggle to find an alleged new product called Oatibix. (Weetabix*, but made of oats.) (I'd link to the original post but I've broken Blogger.) To cut a long story short, I kept seeing tantalising advertising for the splashy-milk-covered-biscuits-of-Oaty-Joy, but couldn't find them in any of the 93 shops I tried (I'm unemployed, remember), and it was surprisingly irritating.

I wrote to the Weetabix Cereal Co (I'm unemployed, remember), and waited for their reply. While I waited, my (now ex-) friend E took it upon herself to increase my frustration by sending me photographs of people eating Oatibix. Pictures like this:














I sent her an email. She replied. I replied to her email replying to mine.

Me: I HATE YOU. (Where did he get them?). I am in tears of Rage and Desire.
E: Am getting some for you. On the Oatibix black market. Oh yes, you will owe me forever.
Me: I am your slave. You feed me Oatibix, I follow you like dog in a slightly sinister Stalker way.

Then she want to Tesco in Broadgate to get some for me, and they weren't there.

Things were looking up yesterday morning though. The postman rang on the doorbell and I thought it was Weetabix sending me a case of Oatibix to apologise for my distress. It wasn't, though, it was a new book from www.moderntoss.com and t-shirt about not working. I was happy for a while, reading the new Modern Toss book. But then I felt sad, because Weetabix hadn't sent me any Oatibix.

Then I checked my email. And lo! Correspondence from Weetabix.com! Were they going to answer all my questions? Would they show appreciation for the letter I had spent some time (c. 8 minutes) writing? Were they going to send me Oatibix in the post to prove they existed? No. They sent me this dreary, patronising drivel, and I went Bang Off Oatibix almost immediately.

Dear Non-Workingmonkey (except I used my real name, obv)

Thank you for your enquiry about Oatibix.

All three of our Oatibix varieties have proved extremely popular and we are doing everything we can to match the high demand for this exciting new range of products.

All the major retailer groups will be taking Oatibix so it could be in Asda, Co op, Morrisons, Sainsburys, Somerfield, Tesco and Waitrose stores in your area very soon.

We must add though, that availability at local level is at the discretion of individual store managers. They determine what products they offer and of course this applies to all commodities; the breakfast cereals and bars we make are but two examples. The final decision on ranges, varieties, etc, really is theirs. It is also true to say the larger outlets will have greater scope and more options than the smaller shops.

Of course, we would be delighted if every store stocked all our products but, unfortunately, this is not the case.

The best advice we can give is to ask the manager(s) of your favourite store(s) to obtain some for you. Other customers may very well feel the same and if asked often enough he or she could be persuaded to do so. After all, they are in business to
meet demand!

I am sorry we are unable to help further but thank you again for taking the time to contact us.

Yours sincerely

Weetabix People

In the old days, when the streets of London were paved with gold and Polos cost 5p a packet, I worked in the advertising and then the marketing. And I know a little bit about this sort of thing. Manufacturers go and talk to retailers. And they say: "we will be spending millions of pounds advertising and marketing this new product; bearing in mind this information, will you stock our product?". And the retailers say yes, and the people see the ads, and go to the shops to buy the products, and everyone is happy.

But I don't think they do things that way at Weetabix. I think they just advertise, randomly, and cross their wheaty fingers and hope that the big shops will stock their products. And when their customers can't find the product that they've seen advertised on the television, Weetabix hope that they will 'ask the manager(s) of [their] favourite store(s) to obtain some' for them.

I spent ages on that letter. I liked to think of the Weetabix People in their offices looking out of the window making pyramids out of Oatibix Bitesize and wondering what to do next, what with there being no product to sell. I thought that if I asked them a sensible question in a nice way and tried to make them laugh a bit, they would write me a nice letter back and maybe send me a box. (That's what we used to do if people made an effort writing in.) But they didn't. They just sent me that rubbish email.

I really did go bang off Oatibix after that. I didn't want them anymore. I thought they would be a mean-minded, humourless type of breakfast-cereal-biscuit, and I didn't want them in my house. (I've got enough to worry about without miserable cereal taking up space in my kitchen cupboard.)

Imagine the irony when I went to Sainsbury's in Streatham this morning. It's closing tonight for three weeks, so they're clearing stock. And what did I see in the cereal aisle? Six boxes of Oatibix. So I bought one.

I brought it home. (Here it is, with two individual Oatibix on a plate, arranged in an attractive still life in my kitchen.) I ate one, with milk, and let half of it go a bit mushy. Wasn't that impressed, as it goes.

* Weird cereal compacted into ovals. Goes soggy in milk. Like Marmite, bananas and custard and orange jelly with tangerine segments for English people: reminds them of their childhoods.