Day 59: I Do Not Understand Fashion

Don't get me wrong. I like a nice frock as much as the next person. I was a model when I was about one, for a blackcurrant drink that was later found to be single-handedly responsible for the fact that all British people over the age of 35 have false teeth. Mary Quant came into a toyshop I worked in when I was 16 and told me not to forget I was pretty, and that I would age well as I had a "strong look". (And yes, her hair really IS like that, and I now look nothing like I did 20 years ago.) I even did some Fat Bird modelling in my younger days, before my face went on holiday to Tunisia and decided to retire there with two twenty-one year old Moroccan boys called Aziz.

As a fat bastard of some years standing, my choice of what to wear has been relatively straightforward, if not a little limited. In the morning, I open my wardrobe, rub my eyes and ask myself a simple question: Shall I wear a wrap dress over trousers: yes, or no? If "yes", I am dressed. If "no", I am sitting on the sofa in grey jersey trousers and a t-shirt with a monkey on.

Nevertheless, I do read a magazine or two, if only to pass time and get myself in training for the day the phone rings and someone asks me to become a cultural commentator, and I'm already dreaming of witty little Vivienne Westwood frocks for my best friend's wedding. Problem is, I have no idea what they're talking about, those magazines. I've got a couple of 'fashion' pals who say things like "pieces", "palette" and "asymmetrical stripe", and I can sort of follow that. But pick up Grazia or Vogue and you will be lost. Unless, that is, you are fashionable.

Now, let's see how fashionable you are with a special Thursday afternoon treat: Non-workingmonkey's Fashion Quiz.

Will an egg shape skirt add interest to your wardrobe?
a. yes
b. no
c. poached

Is a T-shirt an important transitional piece?
a. what?
b. yes, and it's a fun way to buy into the new glossy goth trend
c. I've been a man for twenty years.

How do I energise my winter wardrobe?
a. with a subtle flash or a bold statement
b. with black leather
c. by taking your coat to the dry cleaner and buying some new tights.

Please describe, in no more than 20 words, the difference between the following types of bag:
a. tote
b. clutch
c. bucket.

Please translate ONE of these TWO passages from Fashion to British English:
"The New Smart is everything party girls are not. It is grown-up, pared-down, purposeful, brave and authoritative, and it goes to work - proper work, not pole-dancing."

"The simple but luxurious ideal is a big motivation for the designers of the New Smart. They are aware of the bad rap fashion has for built-in obsolescence - there is an effort to design pieces that have value beyond the flash of a brand name."

What is "a bold quiff"?
a. the ultimate rebellious beauty statement
b. Morrissey's hair
c. a rare bird from Madagascar.

How do I strengthen and tone my body for this season's new* slimline silhouette?
a. eat less and move around more
b. eat cake
c. use Active Isolated Stretching, pioneered by Chris Watts - a technique that combines postural realignment with a series of stretches that boost energy and improve flexibility.

*New?

I've got no idea what the answers are, mind you, but have a pop - it might be fun.

Next Week: "Spot The Pointless Cockmonkey", featuring Anna Wintour's sunglasses, Tony Parsons and the cast of Hollyoaks.